Best Death

[zumalong]

I don't know if this has been posted before--but I was just wondering what the best experience with death has been for other nurses out there (or anyone caring to answer). I know we deal with this topic everyday, but I never thought about it until this experience happened to hit so close to home.

I have worked in acute care for many years on a surgical floor. Most of our patients who die--end up coding and go out with many drugs, multiple IV lines, and broken ribs from CPR. The patients that are DNR's usually die alone in the hospital--occasionally with family.

When my father in law developed prostate cancer, I talked a lot with him about his wishes. He chose hospice care. They were very helpful. The day before he died, he began bleeding out. I had just given birth to my second child and wanted desperately to have grandpa meet Sean. He held out and on Saturday, two hours from discharge, I went to the house with the baby. Dad had been in a semi-comatose state, but when my hubby and I told him we had his new grandson, he opened his eyes and held Sean's hand.

He had wanted the funeral arrangements all completed, so mom and my SIL went to the funeral home. They had been with dad most of the morning saying good bye. Joe (my hubby) and I each got some time alone with dad. I was able to say goodbye and ask him to look my brother Danny up (who had died the year before--and who I did not get to say goodbye to). Dad actually smiled and squeezed my hand. He was able to kiss Joe once more.

Mom and Mel (SIL) returned from the funeral parlor--The TV had golf on in the living room (very loud), and the Catholic channel in the bedroom was having high mass, Dad sat up smiled at all of us (who were now gathered around his bed), he lay down and his breathing slowed down (we all told him it was ok to let go) and he took his last breath. It was the most peaceful experience I have ever had. I hope that someday when I die, I can have all my loved ones around me letting me know it was ok to go.

I don't intend to make this thread morose--I just wanted to share this experience with friends who I know will understand what I am saying. Peace.

[MHN]

Angus ,re your quote about being hardened to death as a nurse of some 30+ yrs of experience i don't think I or many others have become hardened to death but we have become accustomed to it.It is not that we don't feel anything but we grow accustomed to those feelings (especially at work) however when it is closer to home with one of our own like zumalong we do feel the pain of the loss.

[aimeee, BSN, RN]

Originally posted by mario_ragucci

I will never feel any love for them after that day they viewed my mom.

Wow, Mario. You are really angry about that. Its sad when family members don't honor the final wishes of their loved ones. Like RNCountry, I hope time heals that wound for you.

[sgavette]

The last night that I worked was really the worst. I work at a very small hospital (15 bed critical access). Even though I work in the ER, I help out on the floor since there is usually only 2 nurses there. This last night we had only 4 patients and 3 of the 4 had CA. The hardest part was that one was one of our own nurses. At 0012 that morning she died. We all knew it was just a matter of time but when the time came we were all in shock and then had to do post-mortum care. Then at the very end of the shift we lost the second one.

I can't believe all the people that I know that have cancer and have died from it. When are we going to find a cure. I am tired of watching so many people suffer. I pray to God everyday to help me have the strenght to go on with all this going on around me.

God bless all of those people that are suffering with cancer.

[mario_ragucci]

RN Country - thanks for the relational story about your sister, and the way she declined to see your dad. I understand how you feel. And I understand you have forgiven your sister. And I am sorry about your dad dying, and the way the medical staff were not up to par. There is no doubt what you went through is hard.

Memory is a REAL thing for me. You say that I carry anger, but I don't feel that way about it. I just have a good memory. There is nothing wrong with having a good memory. And a good memory does not mean you have all the emotions plugged into it; It's just recorded information in my neural banks. At the time I was angry, but that went away, with time. But the memory didn't.

You say you forgive your sister. I understand. Forgiveness can occur in some things, maybe in all things. Anything can be forgiven, I understand. My memory don't go away, the anger does, but not the memory. I don't carry bitterness, or anger, just the memory. I can't delete it, or re-format my brain :-)

So, when I receive cards and letters from bro, sis and sis in law, to them, it's all okay. And my bro gets bent out of shape when I won't see him, or his family. I've seen my sister since then, but it was a tough thing to do. If my brother initiated the topic, discussed his need to over-ride a persons wishes, explained how he was able to say good-bye to a person no longer breathing...

Plus, at gatherings of family and friends for our mom, they all seemed so cool about it...taking pictures and smiling. For me, it was the worst event that could take place. Maybe because I was the youngest, and closest to our mom, it impacted me the most. So they should have given me some respect and at least "acted" somber.

In conclusion, RN Country, I am not holding anger, just memory. Memory can't be erased. And, the memory does not plug into anger for me. What the memory has done is disconnect love from them, because the wires have shorted out. The current was so powerful on that day, it blew the fuses right out, and burnt the wires completely. Can love be reconnected? At this time in my life, it can not. The memory is there, and I can not pretend.

I can talk about it, and I don't hold anything inside. Because of the super-reality of death, it's not possible for everyone to forgive and forget, due to the finality of death. That's why people are supposed to be respectful at funerals and such. For the living, and the memory, and respect.

[micro, RN]

well spoken

well said

well thought out

each person has their own life

and there own memories

and so true memories are always there

even after the emotion is gone

[zumalong]

Mario--I, too, harbored bad memories toward my brother Doug after my brother Danny died. He took some letters Danny had written to his daughter and would not give them to her. He and I were never really close and after Danny died, we drifted further apart. I can truthfully say I was angry with him for things he did to Danny the last few years of Danny's life.

But now I have lost Doug too. I would give anything to have him back alive so I could make amends with him. Life is very short and very precious--don't let your memories keep you from living.

You must do what you feel is right in your heart, I am just coming from a different point of view.

[candicane]

I am impressed by so many stories of families who are willing to let their loved ones go. At one facility I worked at we had a gentleman who had a severe head trauma from falling off the roof. This man is being kept alive with a vent, and a feeding tube because his wife thinks he will recover even though the docs have told her there is too much brain damage. I know its hard but sometimes you have to let go.

[moonrose2u]

that would be painless

:)

[bungies]

A lady who was incredibly kind to me when I was a mixed up teenager died a little while ago. She had spent her life doing things for others in a very real way, which I believe came out of her simple faith in God, and I was given a report of her death via a nurse who had been looking after her.

She had the nurse help her into her room after lunch to lie down on her bed; after she lay down she said "Ok, Lord, you can take me now". She died that evening, very quietly and peacefully. That HAS to be the best kind of death.

[mattsmom81]

I honestly say I do not fear death. Best death: sleeping away. The thought of a painful death is terrifying to me....also one where I struggle to breathe. I advocate very strongly for my terminal patients so their last few days on earth can be as comfortable as possible....

I hope someone who cares about easing any suffering I may endure is around to intervene if I am terminal with cancer, etc. Both my parents succumbed to cancer so I think about this quite a bit as I age. I wrote a living will before I was 40.

I understand anger at siblings regarding a parent's death...my youngest sister and I do not speak due to conflicts surrounding our father's death and disagreements surrounding his care.

I don't care much what happens to me after I'm dead, funerals are for the living to say their goodbyes and resolve things...and I'll be long gone to a better place by the time my funeral starts .:)

[mario_ragucci]

Mattsmom, it would be nice to sleep off a death, but I can't, so now I am stuck realizing I will wake up to die, meaning, I think in some "cellular way" and the cells Really know all the DNA quits. Well, not quit, but not work no more.

I'm sorry, but our deaths will not be like sleeping on the "red eye" then being in heaven/beyond/end. I mean it in a nice way, and not disagreeing with any statements you have made.

[Sisu]

Dear Zumalong,

Yes, it will happen to everyone of us. I have experienced a few deaths that were very siginificant to me. My first was my best friend who committed suicide in HS. My second was my first father-in-law who died from CHF. No warning. My third was my own father who died from CHF second to ETOH abuse and smoking cigarettes.

I cannot imagine hardening myself to death but perhaps that is because I am new to the Nursing profession as a Pt. Care Tech.

I don't know how I will handle it when it happens but I can say I will keep the accumulated knowledge and strength that I have seen on this BB.

Regards,

Sisu