A thread for Indian men of descent regarding their children

Nurses General Nursing

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Recently, I went back to the city where my children are living with my ex-wife. I have 2 children. It was my daughter's 16th birthday and she, her younger sister, and I went out to celebrate this in a small way by going to the mall to window shop, have a bite to eat, and to purchase some gifts for her. Everything was going very well for some time, like it usually does...holding hands, talking, smiling, laughing...until my oldest daughter took me to a camera shop, where she preceeded to direct me to an $800 camera. I told her that that was way too expensive for me (more appropriate for Christmas) and that I could not afford it. She then preceeded to badger me about it and then gave me the cold shoulder, which greatly hurt my feelings. I then lost my temper and said some things that I should not have...which I greatly regret. My youngest daughter totally seemed to understand the situation for what it was and took no sides...which I am grateful for. I was agreeable to purchase a $200 camera which had the same amount of pixels...but, to no avail. The cold shoulder continued. Out of anger, I purchased a $600 camera for her instead....but, the hurt was still there between us two. We spent some more time out at the mall, but ended up not talking to each other, the mood distant and spoiled. I was hurting so badly. My youngest daughter held my hand and tried to cheer me up. I ended up dropping them off at their home, back to their mother, some time after that, then drove back to my city of residence. This type of situation has never happened between us before. A couple days later, I sent an email to my oldest daughter that I was sorry that this happened, especially on her birthday, which I truly am. I received no response. Today, I attempted to outreach by phone to her, but only ended up talking to my youngest for awhile. I instructed my youngest to have my oldest give me a call in order for us to talk and connect. I know she got the message. No call came. I am very hurt and ashamed. I have always tried to be a good father...even during the separation from their mother, which they both know. I just had to pour out my heart, to get it out. As a man who values his children, I am feeling the hurt badly. Not all men our beasts or beastly. And even the biggest or best of men can be brought down to their knees by the smallest of people....their very children. In keeping with the native way, I am telling my story. Please say a prayer for me in the hope of our reconciliation.

Wolfie

you know, thunderwold, i do understand the challenges in raising teenagers.

what i do not profess to understand, is being a parent who lives out of their children's home.

i wonder if you are feeling more guilt than 'normal' r/t the living arrangements?

that the absent parent, tends to overcompensate in ways s/he normally wouldn't.

you have expressed your remorse and your love, to your dtr.

if able, let it go.

i'm not suggesting to ignore her.

but do not give her power over you.

her request was extravagant, and still, you bought her a $600 camera.

if she cannot forgive you now, i promise you, she will at a later time.

continue in being the stable, reliable, loving presence in her life.

but she needs to recognize that you, as her father, have truly demonstrated your regrets.

that is all you can do at this point.

the rest is up to her.

keep in touch w/her, through emails, writing.

do not bring this incident up again...unless she initiates the subject.

i will pray for a peaceful, loving reunion.

leslie

Wolfie, you're in my thoughts.

Your daughter is behaving very typically for a teen-aged girl with divorced parents, my friend. She is trying - and succeeding - to make you feel hurt and guilty. She'll outgrow it.

Just keep the lines open and stop apologizing. It's her turn to say, "I'm sorry" now.

And I'm sorry you're going through this.

My advice would be to continue to talk to friends and family about your feelings, give you dgt some time. Besides being spoiled and demanding , which many teenagers are, they are also known to act out their emotions this way. Perhaps you could talk to your ex about this, maybe she can help the situation. Next time, I would not take either girl to the mall for their birthday. Maybe a dinner and movie.

Next time, I would not take either girl to the mall for their birthday.

dang, you don't have to tell him twice.:)

leslie

Specializes in Med-Surg, Geriatric, Behavioral Health.

Thanks for all the words and the prayers. I have made one call and sent two emails....no response. I plan to call again later this week or next. My ex is sort of unreliable to speak to....having some of her own agendas. No disrespect meant in saying that, but this tends to be a truth. I will continue to attempt my outreaches to my daughter...at the same time, not ignoring my younger one in the process. Yes, it is hard being a divorced parent who lives in another city....especially when there is a strain in the relationship of my child.

Again....I read everyone's words and very much appreciate them. They brought great comfort and good wisdom.

Wolfie

Specializes in Med-Surg, Geriatric, Behavioral Health.

This thread is open for other men of descent who may wish to discuss the impact of their children. I will provide an update regarding myself as it should present itself.

Specializes in orthopedics, ED observation.

Although I'm a Mom (which I'm sure you had gathered!), I just wanted to add my support.

Teenagers are rough! DS17 had me frustrated to the point of losing my temper last week, and I needed to go apologize to him. Nothing humbles you like needing to admit a mistake to your child! However, I am not convinced that setting limits on a child can be considered a mistake, so I hope that that decision is not part of the pain you are feeling.

You are to be commended for maintaining a long-distance relationship with your children - difficult at best, and for continuing to reach out to a child who is currently not receptive.

Hope you are able to get some resolution soon - my mommy heart aches for you and your daughter(s)

Specializes in Med-Surg, Geriatric, Behavioral Health.

Thanks everyone, again, for your wonderful understanding and support. I was able to reconnect up with my oldest daughter, as well as with my younger one, and we had a great two days together. My oldest daughter (16) and I was able to spend some alone time as well together...went out for a coffee, see a musical ("Across the Universe" which we both wanted to see), getting a camera bag for her camera, talking and sharing, and being a little family again for a period of time. I may not be much, but I do try to be a good Dad to my kids when I am with them. Yes, we all make mistakes. And yes, I could certainly become better at what I do as Dad. But, I am Dad, a man, and am so very human.

Again, thanks for all the well wishes and hugs.

I will leave this thread open for other men of Indian descent who may have similar heart tugs from their children.

Peace

Wolfie

Please say a prayer for me in the hope of our reconciliation.

Wolfie

I had to leave my ex when my son and daughter were 5 and 6 years old. It hurts but I just let them know I was always there for them. My daughter became a little devil and she and I had some hard times and I even kicked her out of my ex's house and out on the street and we spent Christmas without her. She came back a week later a better person and she actually has a better relationship with me now than with her mother. She just got married this year...poor guy! Anyway, your daughter will get over it at least by the time she's 30, lol.

That reminds me. A psychologist friend of mine gave his teenage daughter a pair of jeans for Christmas one year. She held them up and remarked that they weren't xxx brand. My friend took a pair of scissors and cut them to shreds. She never made that mistake again. I always liked that guy!

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