From a simple foster mom...

[dsb_fam]

I've actually kicked around writing this for a while, I didn't want to offend. But, I would love to express some thoughts from a foster mom.... First my background, my oldest child had a congenital heart defect, my three youngest were medically fragile children we adopted through foster care. I have cared for over 15 medically fragile children over the past 6 years. Here is a different perspective.

Don't ask me if I plan to adopt this child. I am not allowed to entertain that notion unless the court terminates rights. Of course, I would keep this baby forever, but it's never that simple and I could lose the child from my home if I state otherwise. I would not be supporting reunification with the parent and that is ALWAYS the first goal of CPS(Child Protective Services).

Understand that I am not receiving any monetary help once a child is on hospital status. As far as the state is concerned the child is now under the care of the hospital and if I visit or stay that is my choice. (I always tried to stay with children in my care, but I had five other children at home) I have emptied my bank account paying for babysitters and gas to drive 2 hours to be with a hospitalized child. Please understand that we care, but often are not able to be there.

It's insulting to ask me how much I make taking in foster children(yes, I've been asked by nurses). Seriously, I have a college degree and taking in a medically fragile foster child costs me money. I don't do this for money, I do this because I love children and want to help.

Do ask me if I have eaten in the last day or even left the bedside to go for a small break. I have literally gone hours without eating or peeing because my child needed someone bedside constantly.

No, I am not allowed to make medical decisions, the child belongs to the state. However, I know this child better than the state. Please let me weigh in on decisions, so that you may advocate for what is best for my foster child.

You must know who is allowed to visit and call. This is very important!!! I have had biological parents bluff there way in to visit a child they had horribly abused. It is your job to protect this child when I can't be there to help. If it's not in the charts, ask me for the caseworkers phone number.

It is not this child's fault they are in foster care. I have seen foster children receive subpar care because of their Medicaid/foster status. I have also witnessed extraordinary love for the children in my home. Nurses who spent their own money to buy a blanket or teddy bear. Or a nurse who spent part of her lunch break holding one of my foster babies. I will be eternally grateful for the nurses who cared so deeply.

Believe it or not, you make a difference!

[subee, MSN, CRNA]

I think you should write this to DearAbby so it gets a wider audience. So many unaware people, so few heroes.....but you are mine today!

[Mrsearly2009]

This article is so sweet and amazing. I have a special needs child of my own who is 5 years old and this article reminds me of all of the amazing people out there like you, who inspire me to do my best everyday. God bless you.

[nursel56]

Not the slightest bit of a single whiff of offensive. Thanks for writing this. It's been quite a while since I worked inpatient peds but I well remember the pitfalls associated with these poor kids and the manipulative behavior their families can sometimes engage in. Bless you for being a foster mom. :redpinkhe:

[NutmeggeRN, BSN]

Wow! Very informative! God Bless you! I can only speak form my own persepective as a school nurse.....I have a family that had a very special needs child who has since passed on...and she is now taking care of other kids with high risk needs...a saint in my eyes!! They are very lucky to have landed here....

I have also seen, unfortunately sub par "therapuetic placements" (licensed by the state no less) for kids with some complex (maybe not life threatning issues) in homes that were not fit for a pig stye....so if others have maybe be reluctant to have your input... there may be a reason in their experience.

Again, I commend you for the great work you do!

[Flare, ASN, BSN]

when i think of the lives you've touched and the heartache you've witnessed (and probably felt) for these children, I can do nothing more than simply be in quiet awe. Thank you for caring for these children.

[macgirl]

I agree, submit this to Dear Abby, it's great information. And an eye opener.

[Guest343211]

I am sure your case is different, but I have SEEN, more than a few times, people taking in children like this b/c they don't want to work as a nurse anymore. If the child is medically fragile, the state helps to pay for in-home nursing care for each medically fragile child. The foster parents in the states I have worked get paid a nice sum per child. The FP may not get monies when the child is in the hospital, but they still get a fair amount every month--and many of these children--like many people that go into the hospital--are moved out ASAP--unless there is some serious overriding issue.

If the FP/s had to pay for these children's expenses, diagnostics, procedures, and hospital stays, they would be totally stressed--as many parents are struggling over such issues find themselves--even with decent medical insurance. I have some parents now that have such grave medical expenses from their children that they will never be able to buy a home or get a mortgage.

I am all for good foster homes for medically fragile children, but I have seen some nurses do this, and it's clear that it is their income. They then are supervisors over the nurses sent in to care for each one of the foster children.

Some of these folks take on too many fragile children IMHO. But the worse thing of all is when there is undo obstruction of re-unification. There is a real concern regarding conflict of interest.

Yes, I have seen some horrible parents, and I have seen terrible situations where children have gone back to unthinkable home environments, and they should not have been sent back there. I am NOT talking about these kind of cases. I am talking about lack of true support for young moms that simply need guidance, education, and to just get their stuff together for the sake of their child. If such parents are working hard, no one in the system should be intimidating them openly or behind closed doors. They should be supporting them so they can be better parents to their children.

I just spoke with a lawyer friend the other day about how screwed up youth and family services can be. Kids that should NOT go back, go back, while other people that are young and just need direction/guidance get intimidated and screwed over by the system.

I wish you the best in what you are doing. You may be totally altruistic, but believe me OP, there are those out there that aren't. And of those, some of them are not at all bad people or nurses' it's just that their innermost priorities are wrong. Being a mom or foster mom may indeed be one heck of a challenging job (I know. I did it.), but it really has to be or should be ALL about each, individual child. It's got to be all about what is in their best interest, in the immediate as well as the long term.

I see one nurse right now, and really, they should stop the number of medically fragile children that this person and this person's S.O. can take on in their home.

The foster parents should act as supportive as possible to the parent/s that are trying to do all that is necessary to get their children back.

They should LONG to see optimal re-unification between parent and child--this should be the foster parent's deepest desire outside of making sure the child is safe and well-cared for IMHO.

This may be true for you OP. Sadly, it's not the ultimate motive for others, and that just makes me so sad.

As for you, good luck. Keep your head up and doing what is most right and the best for those in your care. None of this whole system or process is easy IMHO.