30 Freaking Days Left give or take 10 days

KyBeagle, ASN · Aug 16, 2020

CONGRATS! You’re almost there! The finish line is just up ahead! ?‍♀️With over six years behind you, that finish line is now within sight. YOU CAN DO IT!

This is a little long, but I remember back in October 2019 - I was hungry to read anyone’s end of program experiences.

YES, YES, YES! What you’re feeling is COMPLETELY normal! I was in my program for 5 years (5 years & 1 day to be exact). I spent the first 4 1/2 years feeling overall appreciative. I needed to be in the program, my actions put me right there, I GREATLY benefited, & I was so thankful to keep my license. I was fortunate to get a nursing job & work for almost the entire time.

Then at 4 yrs 7 months, I started feeling anxious. Imagining ALL the “what ifs”. Incidental etg, accidental missed test, etc. That led to sleepless nights, fatigue,. At around, 4 yrs 9 months...time started CRAWLING! It was the first time that I REALLY TRULY began feeling resentful. Sure, I’d felt inconvenienced many times over the first 4 1/2 years (e.g. the headache of coordinating out-of-town travel, morning diet changes to prevent dilution, etc.) but knowing it was the consequences of MY actions, I hadn’t truly felt resentment until those last 3 months. It’s kind of comparable to high schoolers with “Senioritis” (just much worse, IMO). Almost to the end of the journey- but not there yet. Desperately wanting to just MOVE ON!

Looking back to those final 3 months, my irritability & increased anxiety derived from this- The EXCITEMENT of accomplishing a challenging, expensive, long-term program that required 110% long-term dedication & commitment - at war with the FEAR that something would go wrong at the very, very end- derailing my career with the welfare of my family at stake. We’ve ALL heard the horror stories! At the time, those seem to resonate more than all the personal success stories I’d read on here (smh)! Also, I was in my program for just 1 extra day. Since my 5 year anniversary fell on a Sunday, I couldn’t be discharged until Monday. (The CM or program coordinator actually has to log into Affinity & click a button to unenroll you). That last 24 hours was the looooongest for me. I didn’t sleep a wink until 5am, when I could check-in to see if I’d been selected for testing. (I wasn’t, whew)!

So yeah- I was a little (lot) anxious & irritable at the end! More so than at any point in my journey to achieving & maintaining sobriety. However, I found great support in this forum. Whether just reading about the similar experiences by others who went on to successfully complete their programs- or directly posting my fears & getting supportive feedback from the wonderful cheerleaders in this forum, I managed to keep my sanity!

@New mommy 26 Just keep doing what you’ve already been doing for 6+ years. That’s the very best advice I can give. I had actually shared some of my feelings with my CM (I was lucky to have a really good one for the entire 5 years). She’s the one that gave me that common sense advice. She only cautioned that I remain diligent & not become “lax” at the end. She had witnessed premature celebrations in our state’s program - to the downfall of the nurse. Don’t celebrate too soon with a Robitussin DM for your cough or a poppy seed bagel for breakfast! NOT until you've received a discharge confirmation from your program & you’re unable to log into your Availity/Spectrum App (or Recovery Trek, etc). Availity will have a message that says “Please Activate Account”. Lemme tell you- it was a GREAT feeling to see that message! Again, I had checked-in at 5am that morning. When my CM emailed me the discharge documents around 1pm, I tried Availity again & no longer had an active account. My anxiety/irritability completely vanished. That stifling weight that had been on my shoulders immediately dissipated. I’m surprised I didn’t literally float up in the air, LOL!

Take a breath- you WILL get there! RELAX! Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. After 6 years you’re a PRO— you’ve GOT this!

And in 30 days (give or take 10 days) we’ll all be here to congratulate you! ?

catsmeow1972, BSN, RN · Aug 16, 2020

I was irritable and POd as hell for the last 6 odd weeks. I had been running a Countdown calendar on my phone for years. Given that my states program is/was rife with corruption, lies, generalized BSing AND my idiot CM, when I asked what I needed to supply to shut this thing down, told me I needed to get a bunch of letters from therapist, shrink, etc, and it turned out that those weren’t even necessary....I had no way of knowing if they were going to pull some garbage that would make me have to sic my lawyer on them....again.

Throughout the entire nightmare, I never missed a check in or had a dilute or nothing, yet I was still treated like garbage and nothing but a money faucet, like everyone else unfortunate enough to encounter them. I asked for help and got a royal screw job that I only survived because I had financial resources, decent family support and a mile wide stubborn streak. Even after I received a call that told me I was done, I still continued the check that ridiculous system because I didn’t trust a thing those jerks said until I actually had printed evidence in my hot little hand. I had had enough experience with those people (from thier tool ‘evaluators’ writing *** that never happened and I never said into their reports to a CM that invented policy and contract requirements that didn’t exist and were not true) that I wasn’t going to believe a damn thing until I had hard evidence of it really being over.

Life is better now but I STILL have a hard time trusting anyone. That program did me no favors, except show me what liars and thieves people can be, all in the name of the almighty dollar, and they can all go drop off a cliff for all I care.

Indiana RN, BSN · Aug 17, 2020

OMG! congratulations! I have 4 1/2 months left and I'm nervous already! I'm a half glass empty type of girl and I'm waiting for something to happen! What is all required for you at the end? Letters of recommendation? Keep counting down, you got this!

New mommy 26, BSN, RN · Aug 17, 2020

Oh Lord sitting in a waiting room after a 12 hour shift is so much fun. I am so not sure what I will do with myself or my free time after work. How will I ever get by without waiting f#%*&g 1 hour for a pee test after my 12 hour shift and I still have to pick up my daughter from the sitter. The end xannot come fast enough.

JxoRN · Aug 19, 2020

I have 107 days left and I cannot wait. I think of just simply being free. I can say I've learned so much, however this program has made me quite bitter towards a lot of things. I do know I'm truly blessed and am thankful I found a job I love and probably wouldn't of found it if I hadn't started this. All I know is December 2020 can't come fast enough! CONGRATS to all of you for completing and for those who are almost there!

BrendaH84, BSN · Aug 19, 2020

started reading this post having no idea what is was about. OK, WOW! CONGRATS, sounds like everyone who posted has great strength and perseverance. good for you! keep up the good work, I hope anyone with bitterness can wash it away with time, good thoughts and maybe sunshine :) sending you all love!