Hi everyone, Last week, I performed my very first round chest compressions during a code. (had practiced on mannequins, but never an actual person) There was a team of nurses, docs, pharmacists, there to guide me and ensure I was doing adequate compressions. It was the longest two minutes of my life. All I kept thinking was "please live, please live". I kept trying not to look into the eyes of the patient because I was so terrified that I would burst into tears. It was scariest moment of my life, and I will never forget it. I ended up getting a pulse back after my round of compressions, but the patient ended up dying. As I left work, I couldn't help but cry while driving home. That night, I had nightmares about people I know and love, all collapsing and dying. I was trying to do CPR on one person, when others needed it as well. There wasn't enough of me to save everyone. I know I will probably do this many more times in my career.. But I hope to never get comfortable with it, never become the nurse that thinks a code isn't a big deal, never be the nurse who isn't impacted in some way by a code, never become the nurse who doesn't get nervous or scared when their patient crashes. I hope to never be that nurse.To never lose my ability to realize that it's okay to be scared, it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel as if your best isn't enough...because in all reality, sometimes it just isn't. And that's okay.