he was 32 wks old. beautiful baby boy with a head full of hair. Weighed in at 2lb 14oz, 16inches long. He made it through the most difficult time and had just 8 weeks left to come into this world. The mother was so excited to welcome another son, and the older brother couldnt wait to welcome his new brother home. Working the previous noc shift, the mom noticed that the baby was less active and so drove right to ob/gyn's office the next day. Doppler did not pick up a heart beat so u/s was done confirming the bad news. C/S was scheduled for the next morning to remove the baby.He is my son whom I had named Ezekiel. The name means strength of God. I was soo looking forward to being his mom. Yet 3 days later, here I lie in bed. In pain from the surgery, with no baby to show for it. Cant play with my other son. i know i may be diving into depression and i will call my doc on monday, but I think I just wanted to share with someone right now before it eats me up. I keep thinking what I did wrong, could I have caught something earlier and saved his life? Maybe it was that cup of coffee I indulged in the other day. I knew I shouldnt have drunk it but did anyways. Or maybe I wasnt getting enough rest. I kept saying noc shift was killing me, but maybe it was really killing my son and I did not realize itEveryone keeps saying there is a reason for everything, but maybe its too soon for me to consider that angle.Maybe it will turn out that like his namesake Ezekiel in the Bible, he really was a prophet and his message to me is just not clear right now.I guess really what am asking for is for the AN community to send good vibes my way. 0 Likes
Hygiene Queen 2,232 Posts Jul 17, 2011 I'm am so sorry.You have the support and love of many to help you pull through.Sending you positive thoughts. 0 Likes
Tinknurse2B 84 Posts Jul 17, 2011 :tinkbll:i'm so sorry.....my heart :redbeathe and prayers goes out to you. just try to get you some rest for now and build up your strength...you will need it for your son...you will get all your answers....i believe god will reveal them to you. we are here for you at an. 0 Likes
tex42cares 158 Posts Jul 17, 2011 I am so sorry to hear about this, I have been there at one time. (not the 32 weeks but at 19 weeks with twins) The following year , I delivered a healthy baby girl.Positive prayers for your family 0 Likes
my3mracles 27 Posts Jul 17, 2011 I am so very sorry for your loss. There is no pain worse for a mother than the loss of a child. Positive thoughts for you and your family. 0 Likes
hmccue, BSN Specializes in Palliative Care, Urgent and Primary Care. Has 8 years experience. 35 Posts Jul 17, 2011 I'm so very sorry you are not holding your baby son today. My heart aches for you. Please don't blame yourself. It sounds like you are an amazing mom who loves her children more than words can express. You did nothing wrong. Babies are born healthy in the most dire of circumstances everyday. A drink of coffee or working nights is nothing harmful. It's normal to feel you must blame yourself, but please know it's nothing you did. Life is just cruelly random sometimes. Know that we are all behind you while you go through this heartshattering experience. I'm so sorry....Heather 0 Likes
tvccrn, ASN, RN Specializes in Critical Care. Has 20 years experience. 1 Article; 762 Posts Jul 17, 2011 So sorry to hear of your loss. I can understand your feeling as I have lost a little one as well. Take the time to grieve, take care of yourself, and do your best to remmber your other son has lost someone as well. Doing your best to be there for him will hopefully stave off the deep depression. I know it is hard, my son was SO looking forward to having a playmate. I will light a candle for you, Ezekiel, and your family. 0 Likes
icurn99 17 Posts Jul 17, 2011 I am so sorry for your loss! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. 0 Likes
Alibaba 215 Posts Jul 17, 2011 Thanks everyone. I am trying and will keep trying. Am just seeking strength from everywhere to make it through each minute. 0 Likes
Twinmom06, ASN, APN 1,171 Posts Jul 17, 2011 I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son...much peace to you at this difficult time... 0 Likes
trauma_lama, BSN Specializes in Trauma, Emergency. Has 9 years experience. 344 Posts Jul 17, 2011 absolutely!!!!! sending you lots of love and sending up a prayer for sweet Ezekiel. God bless you and your family. :hug: 0 Likes
diva rn, BSN, RN Specializes in PICU, ICU, Hospice, Mgmt, DON. Has 18 years experience. 963 Posts Jul 17, 2011 So very sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby at 20 weeks. That was 40 years ago and I still wonder what she would have been like today. I thank God daily for my two grown daughters but still I wonder.Hugs for you.:redpinkhe 0 Likes
