Feeling guilty

[jessiern, BSN, RN]

A few weekends ago, we were swamped and had several call ins. Even with our managers and DON on the floor taking patients, we all had 7 and 8 per nurse, and only 1 tech for 36 patients. Needless to say, I missed lunch and didn't get home until 1 1/2 hr after my shift was over. One of my patients was a 70's female, who's husband had passed a few months ago. Her only daughter was estranged, and she had no visitors. Very sweet lady, and was basically a no-needs patients and waiting for discharge. Her meds had been altered, and her hypertension was back under control. So, my more acute patients got more of my time. Her physical needs were met, but that's all I can say I did for her. Every time I walked out of her room, I could tell she wanted more from me. She wanted my time, she wanted me to sit and talk to her. Maybe brush her hair. The kind of things I would do, if I just had the time!

The second day I had her, we were still crazy busy. She was discharged. I discussed with her and her neice her new meds. They seemed to understand, and her neice was a nurse, so I felt comfortable sending her home. I knew I had not taken the time with her she deserved the last two days, so I kinda felt like she stabbed me in the heart when she hugged me and thanked me for being so kind to her.

I went back to work Tuesday, and went back to the ICU to hunt a doc. A patient was in the bed across from the nurses station moaning, and I see that her foot in caughtin the bed rails. I went to release it, since the ICU nurses where in patient rooms. And it was the woman. Turns out, she never got her meds filled and had a stroke. The neurologist does not expect her to recover, and she is on hospice.

I'm not sure why I am posting this. I know in my mind, I did nothing wrong. I explained her meds well to her and her neice, and she was very stable to return home. But, for some reason I feel so guilty when I look at her laying in that bed. I feel like I failed her, and I can't help but remember that Saturday when she wanted to show me pictures of her grandkids and I couldn't take the time to look. This is one of my most miserable times as a nurse.

[Chapis]

even though i am not a nurse-yet-i know you didn't have the time and met her needs. why were her meds not filled? her niece didn't take care of that for her or what happened? i'll be praying for you and for the lady.

[systoly]

Who was there for her when she needed help with her foot? Who did she thank for being kind to her? And most of all, who is thinking about her now? You may not have had all the time you wanted to give to her, but you gave her a place in your heart - a much greater treasure.

[nurse grace RN, BSN]

It is in our natures as very caring people to feel guilty but you are not guilty of anything. You did your best in the situation. You are not responsible for her not having her scripts filled as directed. You did everything that you were supposed to do and gave her instructions and explained everything according to protocol. I have been in the same situation myself so I know how it makes you feel. Rest assured that you did the best that you could for your patient.

[accessqueen]

You have to remember that you are dealing with a '70's female who just lost her husband'. The same thing may have happened even if you h ad spent all day in her room. You can take all your meds and still have a stroke. May be she lost her will to live after her husband died. I totally appreciate your compassion. But you can't beat yourself up for things that are just not in your control.

[leslie :-D]

i'm thinking this event was going to happen, one way or the other.

if it's only the new meds she didn't take, i somewhat doubt this is what catapulted her into a cva.

jessie, at least when she dies, she'll be able to dance with her husband once again, free from her heartbreak, loneliness and physical deficits.

and thank you for the meaning YOU brought to her life.

there is absolutely nothing more you could have done.

leslie

[mamamerlee, LPN]

Jessie - you are overwhelmed and overworked. I totally agree w/accessqueen, this was not your doing, and does not reflect on you in any way. You may never know why her meds weren't filled - that was not your responsibility. And even if they were filled, she may have still had a stroke.

We cannot possibly control the entire universe. In fact, there is only one thing that we can control, and that is our attitude. Beyond that, there are distractions and variables over which we have no control.

Take some deep breaths, and let it go.

[Cherybaby]

Jessie - sometimes things happen. Like another poster had said...you could have spent all day in her room doing the things that you wanted to do...and she still would have ended up in this situation. You did the best you could do with the staffing issues at hand. You are going to run into this situation throughout your career as a nurse. You just have to remember that this woman hugged you and thanked you. Whatever time you did get to spend with her, you made her comfortable and happy. Don't look at this as the worst time during your nursing career. You gave her a gift. You made her smile. You trusted that she would be in good hands and you had no reason to think otherwise.

If she does pass, know that she will be free from pain and, as leslie said, free to dance with her husband again.

You did all you could do, all that was expected of you as a nurse. You brought temporary comfort and happiness to a patient in need. That, to me, is the epitome of what nursing is about.

You're a good nurse. Stay strong.

[jessiern, BSN, RN]

Thank you all for your kind words, and prayers. It really means a lot. Just getting my emotions out, and in black and white really helped me to feel better about the situation. :)