How do I continue to do this career? I feel like I’ve tried every available, reasonable option. I’ve worked the floor, I worked the E.R, I’ve travel nursed, I did clinical coordinator, and now I do Home Health....suppose to be part time but never is. I’ve driven 1.5 hours to get to work and I’ve worked 30min away from my home. I have been a nurse for 11 years this month and I’m just tired of trying to make it work. Part of my pain is something that has nothing to do with work...and yet does a little bit. Because I was traveling around and trying to find a fit, and because I can count on one hand the amount of men I have worked with, I did not date much and thus did not get married until I was 33. My husband and I have been trying to have a child and it isn’t working out well. We have been told that IVF is our only realistic option but we can’t even get approved for a loan to do it due to my husband’s previous debt. And unfortunately I only make 50k a year and only have a house payment in my name, but they tell me for my husband and I to get approved for the loan we would need to make about 130k a year. My husband is a tradesman and we have never made more than 80k together in a year. However last year he did not have any work at all (Trumps great economy my ***.) Adoption is about as much as IVF and since my husband and I are older also a kind of long shot. (He is 57 and I am 38).
Yes I could probably go back to travel nursing or return to the ER and make more money than I do now, but I’m just tired. Travel nursing was not terrible, but it is always having to learn a new place, system, doctors, and hope you are following their policies correctly when everyone is to busy for you to ask questions. And it is lonely as my husband can’t get work if he is traveling with me. The ER was okay until my dad died 2 years ago and then all the sudden it got very hard to take care of codes for me. Now I do Home Health which is a cake walk compared to my hospital experience, except the charting. Like I can see all my 6-7 patients in 8.5 hours, and I do try to chart as I see them, but I usually have 2-3 hours of charting to do every evening once getting home. Not to mention that I always have to work a little the day before calling the patients with visit times and organizing my day (my agency requires we call the night before between 5-9pm). I usually drive 80-100 miles a day. And thus I feel like I never get a real day off because either I’m catching up on my charting or I have to be home to receive my schedule (we have EPIC and no longer get the schedule emailed to our phones, it is only on our work computer and I’m not carrying that around everywhere) by a certain time. And if the people doing the schedule are late putting it out then I can’t get to things I want to do like yoga which is from 6pm-7:30pm. As I don’t have a full team of patients that are mine, I always have 4-5 people on my schedule that I am unfamiliar with. So unlike full time people who kind of know who they are going to see day to day, I almost never do.
I just feel there is no winning with nursing. In all of my jobs I almost NEVER get out on time. I almost ALWAYS have more patients than agreed to be caring for in my interview. I mean hell, when my dad died at 11am it took until 6pm for the hospital to get things squared away so I could leave without fear of abandonment. I actively now screen my calls and I NEVER pick up, then get ***ed at for not being a team player. This last job in home health I made it very, very, very clear that my time comes first. It isn’t about money, although I definitely deserve the money they are paying me plus some. I gave back a 10K bonus and was like ‘All I want from you is a work load that allows me to have my life back.’ Needless to say there is always some excuse why I have 7 patients instead of 6, or why my 6 patients are 80-100miles of drive time. I’m just done. There is always some reason why we (me and my coworkers) need to do more and be better. There is minimal education with outrageous expectations. I am just done. I am a good, reliable, safe, and compassionate nurse. I have worked many, many jobs and have maybe met a handful that I could not describe in the same manner. It isn’t us not doing the work right or well or fast enough that’s the problem. It’s the institutions and their ***ing nut job expectations. It is patients that go to hospitals called ‘Hospitality’ (that is the real name of a hospital in the Houston, Texas area BTW) expecting a spa day instead of care and business minded idiots who set up that expectation from the get go by naming their ***ing institution Hospitality. I just want to go to work, do my job, and be allowed to leave on time 90% of the time. I want to be able to pee regularly and have a regular lunch break, and lastly I want to have enough energy when I get home (or the next day) to have sex with my husband so I can hopefully have a family....so I can have my life.
Sadly I just don’t see that as a possibility as a nurse without just being a real ***. Like I am just going to have to say no to being in any committee, to staying late EVER for anyone else, to working extra or working over. I find this really hard to do because I believe in team work. I know that team work is how we make it through, but if I stick to my own I can get done. If I do nothing extra I can be with my husband and not be quite as exhausted. I just don’t see how helping others means I have to sacrifice myself this much and I really don’t see humans as worthy of the sacrifice of myself as I once did when I was 22 and really idealistic. I believe everyone deserves good, data based, compassionate care, just not at the expense of my life and desires....ever.
And what if those children turn out to be apathetic parasitic soul-suckers who are incapable of returning the love you give?
That's rather harsh and blunt, I know. But in my 62 years of living, I have seen numerous cases of people scramble around taking shots in the dark searching for happiness only to be disappointed because happiness cannot come from external gratification!
True happiness comes from within; being at peace with oneself.
Thanks again for allowing me to voice my perspective!
I thought of the same thing. If you are malcontent then adding additional stressors is not helpful. Be self content first. Not aiming for happiness but aim for being content. I think that is the secret.
I've read most of the posts and it bothers me. The initial poster has too much to bear right now, it is overload!! I have had days where I thought I just screwed my life up and will die alone and in a job I hated. I still don't think I will make it to retirement because my body is giving out. However, I got over it. Now, I just think, yep I screwed up, but I am gonna do the best I can for myself and not dwell. So, I'm like, whatever. I'm not living in North Korea so I am doing OK. Thinking about what I should have or could have done didn't help me. I wanted to run to the hills too so I can relate to how you feel. I had one child and that child was such a burden that I never wanted another because I knew I couldn't handle it. Now, years later, I wish I had children. My good friend never had kids, she wished for years and years, then one day, she told me , "Thank God, I didn't have kids". So as we age, things and thoughts change. I wonder if you never have children will you waste the rest of your life regretting. I hope you don't do that. Just some things to think about. Sometimes you have to talk yourself into accepting how things turn out. Not that you will be thrilled but in a way that you can live with it.
Nursing is a tough racket. I mean it just beats the heck out of a person. Mentally and physically demanding. I don't see it getting better. Working conditions for nurses have continued to deteriorate. For the most part , I think nursing sucks. But, sometimes people are lucky or they have an advantage where they can plan and not have to be reactive to what life hands them.
Hey, I commiserate. Just try to remember to breathe and one good thing about life is that it changes. Good luck.
I am sorry. I do not know what to say but I am sorry. I am in a similar position about the nursing position. I wish I can provide I information that would help but I cannot. I empathize with you and hove no solution. I am sorry but feel for you.
Just stumbled upon this post. I empathize with your feelings. I am in a similar situation. I got married young, had a child, and because I was too young, did not understand all that was going on. We decided that one child is enough, and for a few years tried hard not to get pregnant. But by the time I was 30, we were ready for another child and it was so difficult, actually impossible. I did not opt for treatments but every month we would hope that we could get pregnant but it never happened. When I look at my child, I feel that I have not given her a sibling and she is so lonely, my family life is lonely, etc. But since I am older now even though it is a sore spot in our lives, we cannot do anything about it. Things are out of our control.
I just hope you find some hobbies or passion that will divert your attention, like traveling or reading. You have a loving husband who wants to spend time with you. Cherish it because there are people in this world who don't have that.You have an education that will get you a decent income, which only some people have. You can always go back to school and do something else or advance in nursing. You can move to get away from your current situation and start your life all over again. The possibilities are endless.
If it makes you feel any better ljo28, I had one son and felt the same. I had my first son after not using birth control for ten years! Then another 7 years elapsed before I used fertility drugs etc and had two more sons. My first son was so lonely and I felt so bad all those years. But, be careful what you wish for!
Having more kids was absolutely extremely difficult for my original son to adjust to. I also had many complications and my middle son has disabilities. So, basically, my first son had to adjust to me sort of disappearing from his life and this has been just as upsetting as being an only child. Also, with such a large age gap, the kids are almost from different generations. (why I had the two together at the end).
And just yesterday, that longed for middle son said to me, "Wow, how lucky only children are, because all of the family resources basically get funneled into that one person"...
We all just have to try and count our blessings and understand that sometimes we are just along for the ride in this life.
@unknowjulie, I totally agree!! I felt the same way growing up as the eldest of 3, that the only children are so lucky, they get all the attention from their parents, there is no body to be compared to, and you get all the resources. And because I wanted to be the only child so bad??? I went for one child. And our life situations at that time were so that we could not even think about another child, and by the time we were ready, it was too late I guess.
You are so right about counting our blessings, because if we look, there are countless countless blessings. Thank you for your reassurance. Really appreciate your kind works.
I would recommend that you speak with a counselor to figure out ways to love yourself and also cope. A child does not define you! I feel like you’re so wrapped up in the idea of being a mother than your losing logic of what that entails and also what you already have.
Did you and your husband discuss a family prior to getting married? I mean, technically, you have step children. However, given his age, I am sure they are older, but have you reached out to them to try to form a bond? I have familial bonds with people that are not blood to me and some of those were developed in my early 20s. Does he have a bond with his children?
I cant empathize with the childless notion. I have a stepdaughter and also a daughter of my own flesh. So, I’m not going to try to pretend that I know how it feels to travel down the infertility road. I am truly sorry that you are having trouble conceiving. However, with that being said — the notion that going wild and having a child with any given man is just silly to me. Why would anyone randomly want that? Having a child and being a nurse is hard. Yep, sometimes I can’t be there for Christmas morning because I have to work. I can’t make it to the soccer championship game on time because I had to work. I wasn’t there for the first day of school because I had to work. There is nothing glamorous about being a parent. It truly is a blessing, yes, and I love my children wholly but it is not easy, it is not magical, and it is not stressless.
After the birth of our daughter, my husband and I separated for a few months because my mental health did not adjust well and marriage just fell apart. I felt like I was doing everything on my own. It took counseling, a whole lot of it, learning and also forgiveness to repair my marriage - and we BOTH wanted a family together. I worry that your husband would not feel the same and I am a little weary of your reasoning for marriage to begin with since you stated that you respect him — but I don’t necessarily see where the foundation of your marriage was built on a love/trust/respect relationship.
When your kids are grown and gone the only person that is left there in your empty nest is your spouse. If you were able to conceive, what would you do when your children are adults and building their own lives? I feel like you’re making parenthood a fantasy that is may not necessarily be.
I wish you the best of luck. I wish you would fulfill your goals and you’re desires but I don’t think nursing in itself is the big issue hindering you here.
Try this on for size. I started nursing school at 57. I've been a nurse for three + years now. I was a carpenter in the 2008 bust in the poorest county in Missouri so my wife encouraged me to go back to school. She was doing home health as an aide. I did carpentry, worked as an aide in a group home and as a CNA. It wasn't easy. I also borrowed a bunch of money. I don't know what your old man is up for but you could always ask. You could help him study.? Truthfully, if getting pregnant is the highest priority in your life and your old man isn't busting a gut trying to help you make it happen, I'm guessing he doesn't share your priority which doesn't bode well for what you've got in mind. There were lots of single women with kids in my nursing classes. I work with some single moms who are nurses. I have no idea how the h.... they do it, but they did, and the hard part is behind you!
Specializes in Surgical Specialty Clinic - Ambulatory Care.
On 6/19/2019 at 12:18 AM, Jkloo said:
In your husbands defense, he is 57. Having a newborn at this point isn't fair to the child from my view. My dad was 50 when he had me. He retired when I was 12, I was in 6th grade. We were really restricted on doing activities together because of his age, hiking, traveling, sports, he was from an entirely different generation from my peers dad's. It sacked. By 20, he was 70. He will almost certainly be dead before he sees any grandchildren from me. It will be worse for your husband, and take it from me it's not fair to your child either. I always have to consider my choices in life knowing my time with him is very limited, it's odd and upsetting to see people in their 50s with their parents still alive. Just something to consider....you don't realize it unless your parents were older when they had you.
Your sadness in having an older father and the pitfalls of such a situation are just as much of a sap story as me wanting kids all my life and having no end of road blocks trying to get there. Life circumstances are what they are and despite how much we puny humans want to believe we have control over our circumstance, our exertion over how events go down is much more minimal than we collectively like to believe.
For example, like most people I believed myself to be in a society that is a meritocracy. That my performance and capabilities would matter more about my success in life than just luck and fate. The whole, “If you want to be rich you need to work harder and smarter.” ***. Well there is a recent study from France that confirms that the 20% of the population that has the wealth in the world is an unchanged percent since recorded history. If we lived in a meritocracy then it would be reasonable to assume that those with 20 percent of the wealth have disproportionately higher IQs, talent, and in general just more capable than the rest of us. Turns out that is untrue. The incident of high intelligence and talent is equal in both the 20% and the less wealthy 80%. It is just dumb luck and the way life unfolded that the majority of rich got to where they are. And reasonable to believe that if every person had the same circumstances happen to them that we would be living the wealthy life instead of that 20%.
One needs to be selfless to be a parent, but there are NO selfless reasons to choose to have a baby. The only non selfish circumstance that becoming a parent occurs is an unintentional pregnancy.
With that said there is NOTHING fair about being born or the circumstance one is born into. And while I can tell you that I have thought about the effects on my hopeful child; they are not so detrimental that I shouldn’t try. Life is sad. You worry about the person you love not being there. So does the 12 year old girl who’s mom just got diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Just life.
Specializes in Surgical Specialty Clinic - Ambulatory Care.
On 7/4/2019 at 12:43 PM, tropsnegRN said:
I would recommend that you speak with a counselor to figure out ways to love yourself and also cope. A child does not define you! I feel like you’re so wrapped up in the idea of being a mother than your losing logic of what that entails and also what you already have.
Did you and your husband discuss a family prior to getting married? I mean, technically, you have step children. However, given his age, I am sure they are older, but have you reached out to them to try to form a bond? I have familial bonds with people that are not blood to me and some of those were developed in my early 20s. Does he have a bond with his children?
I cant empathize with the childless notion. I have a stepdaughter and also a daughter of my own flesh. So, I’m not going to try to pretend that I know how it feels to travel down the infertility road. I am truly sorry that you are having trouble conceiving. However, with that being said — the notion that going wild and having a child with any given man is just silly to me. Why would anyone randomly want that? Having a child and being a nurse is hard. Yep, sometimes I can’t be there for Christmas morning because I have to work. I can’t make it to the soccer championship game on time because I had to work. I wasn’t there for the first day of school because I had to work. There is nothing glamorous about being a parent. It truly is a blessing, yes, and I love my children wholly but it is not easy, it is not magical, and it is not stressless.
After the birth of our daughter, my husband and I separated for a few months because my mental health did not adjust well and marriage just fell apart. I felt like I was doing everything on my own. It took counseling, a whole lot of it, learning and also forgiveness to repair my marriage - and we BOTH wanted a family together. I worry that your husband would not feel the same and I am a little weary of your reasoning for marriage to begin with since you stated that you respect him — but I don’t necessarily see where the foundation of your marriage was built on a love/trust/respect relationship.
When your kids are grown and gone the only person that is left there in your empty nest is your spouse. If you were able to conceive, what would you do when your children are adults and building their own lives? I feel like you’re making parenthood a fantasy that is may not necessarily be.
I wish you the best of luck. I wish you would fulfill your goals and you’re desires but I don’t think nursing in itself is the big issue hindering you here.
The truth that you have stated is that you have not experienced infertility. Thus my question would be, would you give up the challenges and heartache of raising your daughter to have an ‘easier’ life? If not, then why would you expect that I would be grateful to not experience those things as well?
My step children are my peers and I do have a good relationship with them....but they are my age so I don’t understand why you think that would be a fulfilling role as a step mother.
I did discuss having a family with my husband before we got married and he agreed to it. As he has two children I did not foresee him being the one with the fertility issue.
I love/trust/respect my husband, he is my friend....but my husband is not the love of my life. After the love of my life left me for another woman, I dated for over a decade and my husband was the first person I dated that I could see myself having a family with. I have been alone with him for the last 5 years, and as such don’t see how it will be difficult to be alone with him after I have children ‘leave the nest’ aside from the fact that he is likely to need more care....which I am aware of and prepared to do.
You think it is silly to wish that I had been a less responsible person and just got knocked up by whoever. This goes back to my first question. Would you have been happier not to have your daughter and a less messy life? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess not. So why is it “silly” for me to come to the conclusion that having a child is so important to me that I wish that it had never mattered who I had it with? Thus I would have just allowed myself to get knocked up and maybe found my husband later. Or have had someone really talk to me and say “ Hey, you are 28 now and there isn’t a guy in sight for you. Maybe you need to start thinking about being a single mom and use a sperm donor?”
But that isn’t what people tell you when you are 28. They say, “You’ve still got time, don’t give up on finding the right guy.” Which is stupid for us to do to each other really. To hold out for the Cinderella story when biologically 28 is really when women should be changing gears and look at going it alone if they want children.
People who have not had to deal with this just have no idea. It takes over your entire life, and can even wreck marriages. I am a single parent after going through all the stress. Just hang in there. You have not PM'd me so I could tell you, but try "preseed" (OTC). About 2cc prior to doing anything, and it works better if you actually use a syringe instead of "getting busy with your husband". I am sorry if this is TMI, but it helped me and then three other people I've told about it. I can't get pregnant "the regular way".
Specializes in Surgical Specialty Clinic - Ambulatory Care.
1 hour ago, unknownjulie said:
People who have not had to deal with this just have no idea. It takes over your entire life, and can even wreck marriages. I am a single parent after going through all the stress. Just hang in there. You have not PM'd me so I could tell you, but try "preseed" (OTC). About 2cc prior to doing anything, and it works better if you actually use a syringe instead of "getting busy with your husband". I am sorry if this is TMI, but it helped me and then three other people I've told about it. I can't get pregnant "the regular way".
How interesting! I saw that product on Amazon today and ordered it. I am sorry I did not PM you yet.
Forest2
625 Posts
I thought of the same thing. If you are malcontent then adding additional stressors is not helpful. Be self content first. Not aiming for happiness but aim for being content. I think that is the secret.