Escaping your past mistakes

Twoyearnurse · Mar 8, 2014

We do a lot of damage to the people we love. You are changed, has she? I recently went to an aa conference where this woman from al-anon spoke. Her husband is a recovering alcoholic as well as her son. When things were at their worst he brought her son to get evaluated for treatment and the counselor couldn't figure out out of the three of them who was the alcoholic because she had become so maladaptive because of the ringer her family had put her through. Has your wife ever been to al-anon? It might be a good place for her to start working on herself and to move past those harbored resentments.

caroladybelle, BSN, RN · Mar 8, 2014

Was she with you when you were not clean and sober? Did she suffer during the time of nonsobriety? Did she put up excuses, poor behavior, during that time and has she had to change her life and offer you significant support to keep you sober?

Someone I care about is trying to stay clean and sober. It can be difficult to maintain the support to help them. And many of us went through hell during the time they were not. While we may forgive the bad times, we do not forget them. And sometimes we get pushed too fair, with little support from others.

Explain to her how that hurts. But also recognize where she has been and what she has dealt with

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Mar 9, 2014

It took my dear, sweet, patient husband several years to be able to forgive me for what I put him through during my drinking years, and still longer before he could trust me entirely. This is a man who had to raise our children practically by himself while I drank to self-medicate my underlying mental illness (which was then undiagnosed and untreated). Like my oldest daughter told me recently, the most consistent thing about my was my inconsistency---the family never knew who was going to walk through the front door each night. So it stands to reason that a man or woman who has been wounded deeply by an addicted or alcoholic spouse would need quite a bit of time to learn to trust again.

Please be patient with your wife, OP. In time she'll come around, but depending on how bad things were before you got sober, the past may not be easily forgotten, and she obviously needs more time to adjust to your sobriety and come to believe that the changes in you are permanent.

Oogie · Mar 9, 2014

hey (2yr) thanks for your kind words, Al Anon is a good place for people who've been hurt in many ways. On the surface she went because of me. Within a week she unveiled a deeply intwined mesh of haunts from her past familys dealings with (3 -4 of her siblings) that have different stages of schitzophreina that were a greater source of suffering than anything I did. She is a district Rep. You are right, we can do a lot of damage to those we love, they can also hurt us too...... Peace

Oogie · Mar 9, 2014

Hey Caroladybelle (luv your name)

We have endured 27 years of friendship, 24 wedded, yes we have both had great joy, and great sadness as you can imagine. we have both been there together ( I am not the kind of man to walk away ) even as she was the second in our family to get a DWI, with my son being the first. I was the last with the most severe punishment related to my profession . She , Me, We, suffered greatly. With this I know forgiving someone of their past, and leaving it in the past, is vital for growing into a healthy today and tomorrow. You are correct stating to recognize where she has been and what she has to deal with, I would add that this is double edged sword, it does swing both ways. As time goes by it has robbed me of my youthful beauty, but given me the wisdom to forgive (not forget) and to look at how I can build a healthy future what ever that may be ...... Peace

Oogie · Mar 9, 2014

Yo Viva, You are right time is the great healer if you direct her so. My wife was angry with a lot of things (mostly bills) and I just happened to be a conveinant whipping boy. Because I'm so close, and its easy to pick on me, I am not perfect. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is being empowered with the knowledge, to make a comparison of realizing how a person has grown. Acknowledging that growth for the benefit of all who reap the benefit. She has been saddened by her choice of words and how she hurt me with words laden with haunts of my past. I'm thankful to y'all ladies that listen, and offer insite, your my sisters in forumland. ...... Luv to all Y'all .....Peace

Twoyearnurse · Mar 9, 2014

We can only handle ourselves as gracefully as possible. I've become a fan of saying to family "I'm stopping this conversation before you or I say something we don't mean" and then engaging in the conversation with a cool head. I'm sorry for your circumstances and I do empathize. One alcoholic is difficult, but as it tends to be alcoholism is a family affair. It sounds like the issue has touched your family very intimately. The problem with alcoholism is that we tend to be a very sensitive, easily wounded, self involved bunch. I know that when someone approaches me and says something very hurtful or unfair my immediate reaction is to think "I've done so good!" and if the person doesn't back down I then begin to point the finger back at them and their mistakes. This serves no one, especially myself- it puts me back into a very ugly and dangerous state of mind. Even though we suffer greatly, our families do too- you may just have to take the lead on showing understanding and forgiveness- she will hopefully follow suit.

Twoyearnurse · Mar 9, 2014

This quote from Mother Teresa comes to mind about your situation: ********* If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. *Be kind anyway.*********** If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.* Succeed anyway.***********If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.* Be honest and sincere anyway.*********** What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.* Create anyway.*********** If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.* Be happy anyway.*********** The good you do today, will often be forgotten.* Do good anyway.******** Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.* Give your best anyway.******** In the final analysis, it is between you and God.* It was never between you and them anyway.

jackstem · Mar 9, 2014

A person has to want to make progress and "get well". As recovering addicts we all know this. It's no different for those hurt by the using addict/alcoholic. They have to want to "get over" the past, and then make an effort to do so. Some make progress, some don't. Sometimes we (those causing the pain as well as those receiving the pain) need something to remind us that this is a continuous process, not an event. Perhaps that's what this was (or could be). Who knows?

Jack

amygarside · Mar 10, 2014

This quote from Mother Teresa comes to mind about your situation: ********* If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. *Be kind anyway.*********** If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.* Succeed anyway.***********If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.* Be honest and sincere anyway.*********** What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.* Create anyway.*********** If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.* Be happy anyway.*********** The good you do today, will often be forgotten.* Do good anyway.******** Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.* Give your best anyway.******** In the final analysis, it is between you and God.* It was never between you and them anyway.

Nice qoutes to ponder. :)