Doubt for Breakfast

I'm not really sure what has happened, but it seems I blinked and here I am nearing the end of my program...

It's scary to know that someone's life will depend on my skill and knowledge base. Lives, even. I don't think it's any mistake that this program essentially ends on Halloween. It's like they're saying "Welcome to the Haunted House of Nursing."

At the beginning of all this, I made a time line. The way they teach you in grade school, or therapy, I actually drew a line across a manila folder, and notched off all the milestones I wanted to accomplish. I gave myself tons of room to fail. Years. I gave myself years to eff it up and here I am with nary a glitch. Honestly, I'm shocked at myself. I'm shocked at myself in that way that I feel so very proud of myself, and then sad that I've convinced myself over a lifetime that there are just some things I will never succeed in. Nursing was always one of those things.

Aside from all the folks who have entirely too much confidence, and good luck to them, I think we all do that. We wade in our own personal puddles of doubt, and stir up the funky stuff with our toes, and we forget that the funky stuff is also something else's food. There's substance in it. It's important in that evolutionary food chain sort of mentality, when you get down to the existential perspective of things.

Curiosity didn't always kill the cat. At least, I tell myself that. So, I'm curious about the doubt, and I allow myself to be, because how will we ever move forward if we don't question?

Am I worthy? Why or why not? Am I awesome? Why or why not? Am I able? Why or why not?

Of course, my answer to these questions is: damn right, I am. At least, right now I feel that way...

So, as I wade in my murky puddle willing the sunlight to diffuse all the darkness, there is a new doubt, and that doubt is taking shape as someone on the brink of life and death in the hospital.... I know it will always be like this. I know as soon as I feel some confidence, and do well, something will happen to shake it, and I guess the thing is, I should know by now that if I ever start to feel comfortable, it's time to start challenging myself again. To change the funky stuff into food, and grow from it all.

In the end, I don't want to be sad or ashamed of my doubt, because my doubt keeps me grounded, and makes me stretch my boundaries a little bit further than they were yesterday, or last month, or ten years ago. I learn how to manipulate my shortcomings into opportunities, when I doubt myself. So, if and when it happens, how lovely it will be when I prove myself wrong, like not taking years to eff up my life, getting over the hurdles with success, and making that timeline something I may want to frame someday...