I really don't want to get too specific in a situation I faced in the ED I have recently started working in, but let me tell you that the brutality of the situation is overwhelming. It involves a woman getting beat-up by her boyfriend....she arrives to the ED with fresh wounds on top of her healing wounds.
We have a Social Services department that we refer these patients to, but is there anything that any of you have done to help make a difference? If not what do you tell yourself to not let it get to you? It breaks my heart.
Any advice, suggestions, or related experiences would be welcome.
It is pretty hard. However, do not look at these people as "normal." Anybody who allows somebody to smack them around time after time has complex phychosocial issues. Many of these people do not think or feel like us, and changing beliefs and behaviors that are so ingrained can be nearly impossibe. Much like attempting to convert a christian to islam or visa versa. Some of these behaviors are as deeply rooted as any religious belief.
I "respectfully" disagree with anyone who would say "do not look at these people as 'normal', and "many of these people do not think or feel like us, and changing beliefs and behaviors that are so ingrained can be nearly impossible, much like attempting to convert a christian to islam or vice versa."
what was ingrained in my behavior was the fact that if I fought back I was hit over the head with a cupboard door, and if I called him names back I went to work with the knowledge that my abuser may leave town with my son and I may never see him again. My beliefs were what sustained me and I certainly would have found it much easier to convert to any religion that I felt would get me out of the hell on earth that I found myself living in.
I did not say you were a bad nurse I just hope that you don't have to interact with many of "those people" as this type of thinking does not do the victim any good. I am sure you are a fine nurse if you only have to work with "normal" people who are not dealing with "complex psychosocial issues" such as being jacked up against the wall and pushed around for burning the toast.
You still didn't answer the question if you actually knew anyone with this issue, you started talking about googling it. I don't need to google- I've been there, I know others that have.
I don't want to seem like I'm argueing with you, but you just don't know what it's like- I'd never want you to and I'm sure you never will, but listen to those who are able to share their experiences with you and tell what "those people" really feel and think and deal with.
You still didn't answer the question if you actually knew anyone with this issue, you started talking about googling it. I don't need to google- I've been there, I know others that have.
I don't want to seem like I'm argueing with you, but you just don't know what it's like- I'd never want you to and I'm sure you never will, but listen to those who are able to share their experiences with you and tell what "those people" really feel and think and deal with.
I hope that you can appreciate the fact that other people may not respond to or experience a situation in the same way that you did. This behavior is documented among many abuse victims and should not be ignored. Other than that, we will agree to disagree.
As far as answering your question about me being an abuse victim or personally knowing an abuse victim; you will not get an answer from me on that topic. It is simply a personal matter and I will not discuss it on a public forum.
Chances are, when times were relatively good between them, she told him everything you did wrong to her in her life, and he has a running dialogue that comes out in a tidal wave before and after she goes to see you. Whether you know it or not, her life was not as perfect as you saw it. I am sorry to be blunt and hurtful, but there are always two sides to every story Yours may be more correct, but hers is the only one that counts in this situation. If he is not welcome in your house, you can be sure he reminded her of everything that you do that makes her mad. And she went home to him and the first thing he asked is what happened and she told him everything you did that she disagreed with. She told because it guaranteed her a warm welcome home, and it reinforced to him that he has the upper hand. He will catalogue everything in his memory bank and use it against you the next time you try to interfere when they are fighting. He will remind her of your shortcomings and that he is always there when she comes back from a visit with you to comfort her for a day or two. Then two days later is buisiness as usual and he doesn't care because he won that battle. She is getting what she wants, he is getting what he wants. I understand your frustration more than you know. But that is the dance, and they both know it so well...
I see from your earlier post you speak from experience. I think you are prob ally right on about how she acts when she goes back. The only thing I know for sure is that she was raised with love & in a loving home. Perfect? No and I never meant to imply it was. When they were first married I did every thing in my power to love & make him feel a part of our family....until she told me about the first shove when she was pregnant. I had no way of knowing what went on in her home since she lives so far away. She came to me for help and what I tried to do was what she asked...a way to leave. This has gotten progressively worse....the last time he tried to kill her and told her he would sooner or later. She told us he would choke her until she almost passed out then stop & start again.
The police were involved once again charges pressed/restraining orders the whole nine yards. While he was in jail she called me & said " mom I want to come home." They had been gong to a councilor & she advised my daughter to leave...their councilor told her that she had a hard time giving up on a couple, but she was in danger, and she believed it was not going to change. Once again I did not tell her to leave....she called me. All I did was what she asked....I provided the way out. I also told her do not leave if you plan to go back.....enough is enough & you need to decided how you want your life to be. She wanted to come home and she did. She continued to talk to their councilor via phone, and she continued to urge her to stay away where she was safe. She stayed for about a month and went back.....and yes he would call & she would talk to him! I did not hide
my feelings and told her if she went back.....do not call me again. I cannot live my life in constant turmoil and I refuse to let him control it ....and if she chose to go back and let him kill her, I would just have to bury her because I had done all I could. I also told her if she went back this time he would know for sure that he could do anything her wanted to her. This is her second marriage and the first was bad enough, but this is as bad as it gets and I know if she does not leave he will kill her. I have not talked
to her since she left.about 3 months ago. Do I detest him.....you have no idea and I have up to this point kept my husband & son from paying him a visit.....maybe that would not be such a bad idea after all! Thanks for your very honest input.
crb613-My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you are living this way. Some women never get out, but if she has any children it may make her see what a monster she is living with.
My mother had to watch me go back time and time again, she didn't understand why but for me there wasn't much of a choice. I was being threatened and coerced into staying and my children were the one's who ultimately gave me the wake up call.
The one thing my mom did was kept lines of communication and let me know she was there for me when I was ready to get away. I know the inner turmoil you are having and your attempt at self preservation is a natural course to take for your own sanity
But please make it clear to your daughter that you will always be there for her when she needs to get away. Because cutting ties with her will only perpetuate the feeling that she is alone in all this and is "stuck" where she is. I bet if you called her today or sent her a card just telling her you love her and will always be there for her, it would make her day.
Because she really feels she had no choice to go back. The abuser is the master manipulator and will do and say anything to get her back under his thumb.
She really needs to hear and know that you are still there.
My mother insisted on calling me every couple of weeks when things were bad and force me to go to lunch with her. No excuses, she would say, I want to see you and the kids and I won't take no for an answer.
She would only bring up the relationship if I did. If not,we didn't speak of him. Then when I went home and got the 3rd degree I could say honestly no, we did not talk about you at all.
Another thing she did was sent cards and little notes all the time. The notes would be accompanied by magazine articles regarding domestic violence or controlling men, and she was very bold about it. She didn't care if he knew she sent them. One time she sent me her old IMAC computer, and in the pages of the literature, she had placed little notes and articles she wanted me to read. You need to make your presence known. He needs to know you are not going anywhere and let her know that you are always there for her. Best of luck and prayers. I will be thinking of you.
Thank you once again. When I read what you wrote it makes so much sense. I guess I was trying the tough love path....hoping against hope she would choose her family, children , & safety over him.....I am just so tired. It seems I have protected her all her life & I thought if she had to figure it out without my help......maybe just maybe she would say out. Her children cried & begged her not to go back, talk about heartbreaking. I would have never thought that there would come a time that I could not reach her. We have always been so close, but she has changed. I feel like I have let my grandchildren down and I am so hurt at her for keeping those kids in this mess. When I think about him hitting, shoving, choking, kicking her I am filled with a rage that I never knew existed....it is scary the thoughts that can cross your mind.........I just pray she leaves before its too late.
I will take your advice since you have been where she is now, although I cannot understand it....I will always be her mother and I will always love her unconditionally. Thank you & please keep us in your prayers.
But please make it clear to your daughter that you will always be there for her when she needs to get away. Because cutting ties with her will only perpetuate the feeling that she is alone in all this and is "stuck" where she is. I bet if you called her today or sent her a card just telling her you love her and will always be there for her, it would make her day.
Because she really feels she had no choice to go back. The abuser is the master manipulator and will do and say anything to get her back under his thumb.
She really needs to hear and know that you are still there.
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I agree. :redbeathe She needs a counterbalance to the beating her self-esteem is taking from this creep.
Also, I think this was key for me -- although it was inconcievable for me to intellectually wrap my head around the fact at the time -- my emotional logic was a little warped. I thought:
Abusers are evil.
I hate evil.
Therefore, I hate abusers.
I love this man.
Therefore, he is not an abuser.
I also honestly felt like I had control over the situation, and if push came to shove, I could protect myself. I was wrong.
When I was much older and wiser, I realized that yes, I did love him, but for my own sanity, that love was so dysfunctional and destructive that I could not be around the man.
However, getting away from him was even scarier. He became more irrational and unpredictable. I was stalked, threatened, my home was broken into, my car was sabotaged, my friends and family were threatened, and I found myself even more frightened because I didn't know where he was or what he was up to. A few times I went back because I simply couldn't take the constant fear as opposed to the occasional fear when we were together.
I know it probably won't make any sense to you at all, but there it is.
I had to move out of state -- years after we broke up -- because I was still getting threats from him and I finally decided that I couldn't build a new life with him (and his gangsta buddies) lurking in the background terrorizing me.
Please remember these women are afraid to tell the truth.
You can try to get through and for sure you would be doing them a favor to call social services, the police and child protective services.
But they may still be too afraid to get out.
thank you Gr8rnpjt for sharing...
I have been in abusive and unhealthy relationships. I always appreciated people who treated me as a normal person and with respect, since I had a hard time seeing myself that way. IMHO I think the best thing you can do is be kind and understanding, open doors (provide the opportunity to speak with law enforcement and social workers), but accept that it's the other person who has to make the decision to walk through...
I know it's hard to know that a person is walking back into an abusive situation. But in my case, no amount of persuading from anyone changed my situation until I took the bull by the horns myself. I don't remember the exact moment that happened, but my life has never been the same since...in a very good way.
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Having been a victim of domestic violence and abuse for years, I have to tell you that I was the patient who defended my abuser and gave excuses for my injuries. I did not listen to the police when they told me that nothing would change. I listened to the pig who abused me who promised me that things would be a lot worse for me if I told the doctors what had really happened to my back and came to every doctor's appointment and paced in the waiting room until I got out. The knowlege that he was the one with the car keys kept me very compliant and I knew that to make trouble for him would be to "wake the sleeping giant".
Because as bad as things were when times were good, he constantly reminded me of how bad things would be if I were to do something as stupid as tell someone about what was going on. That would be like requesting Armageddon to be unleashed on my head.
And the worst part was if I had to be given pain medication for my injuries, I had to share my pain meds with the monster who caused my pain (Only fair since he DROVE me to the hosptial!!!)
You think that only stupid women become victims of abuse? I am here to say I am not a stupid woman, I got caught up with the wrong man and before I knew it I was trapped in a world I never asked for and saw no way out.
The only way these women will see a good reason to break away is when they see the abuser turn on their children. She will feel that she DESERVES this and take it like a trooper but if she loves those children enough she will break away when the abuse is turned on her children.
The wake up call for me was having my daughter leave my home and tell me that she was not coming back until the abuser was gone. She (at 13) told me that she did not deserve it, and neither did I and neither did her little brother Joey.
I moved him out the next month, but he still insisted on watching our son while I went to work.
I finally had enough when, 2 days before Christmas in 2006, Joey told me that his father had pushed his head into the toilet for getting pee on the seat.
That was my wake up call.
It wasn't easy and I have had ups and downs since I woke the sleeping giant, but I am so glad I did. My life is so much better and my abuser has moved on to his next victim.
Joey still has to have visitation but that may be over very soon. I go before the judge for my divorce hearing next month. He may make a ruling at the same time about visitation, he may not.
Please remember these women are afraid to tell the truth. They don't see that what they are dealing with is not their fault and no one blames them. They think they deserve this life and they may think that the would rather put up with this than be alone. They have no self worth and are being told that they will never get anyone else.
The abusers are masters in getting them to feel that this is the best that they can do, so they stay dependent on their abuser.
You can try to get through and for sure you would be doing them a favor to call social services, the police and child protective services.
But they may still be too afraid to get out.
Firstly, I want to tell you I love your quote about a man on the moon. However I see you still have a lot of bitterness in you. I am truly sorry for that. You are a survivor. And in time, I pray you will forgive him. That is the only way you will truly be free. I too was a victim of a abusers many times over, and thought it was all my fault. However, I learned after attempting suicide, that wasn't the real way to be truly free. If you would like to read the rest of my story, PM me. I applaud you for your courage.
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Let try compassion and not judgement, especially if you don't have any idea of what's really going on!
This is really what works. I have seen it all. A lot of addicted people are products of their own environment; they know no other way;Some, esp alcoholics (I have a nephew who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome) others try it due to peer pressure. You know, they want to be a part of the in crowd so to speak, or even out of curiousity. My own mother got pain meds from her doctor, who finally got caught and was imprisoned. Some abuse drugs and or alcohol to drown away their stressful situations. It only gets worse in the end. My sister and I had to leave town once because her hubby, and my favorite BIL when he was sober, because he was coming after her with a rifle.
That little piece of paper that says "Order of Protection" doesn't do very much good at all. That only inflames an angry abuser more. My heart goes out to them all. The substance abuser and the person with a violent temper can be helped too, but sometimes it takes tough love to make them come to their senses, and IMHO, why send an abuser on to another person to continue the chain of abuse. We do live in a sad world. Whatever sets that person off, remember, when it happens, it usually isn't the real person you know. That real person was a tiny helpless infant one time. We need to get at the source of the problem so this rottenness doesn't continue.
There is a way out of it all without the loss of life. I show the way in a book I wrote. Whoever would like to read it, you need to PM me. Just remember, while you are being abused, it's what got into that person earlier on, and isn't the real person. That person needs help too. May God help us all.
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
I would like to ask those of you that have been in these abusive relationships a few questions please...If you had a place to go & financial support would you have left? My daughter is in one of these marriages.....I am furious to say the least....I don't get it.....she was not raised in an abusive home, was never put down, as a matter of fact she was more the princess type.
She has left a couple of times...came to my house in a different state....then goes back & I become the bad guy when all I do is try to help & keep her safe. I really just do not get it....when some one tries to kill you or hurts you.....how in the world can you even think of living with them or trusting them.....and why would you turn on your family & choose the abuser over the people that really love you, & have & would do anything to help you??????
I am so mad & her for staying in this mess & even more for keeping the kids in it......if I did not care for myself (which I don't get) I would definitely put my children first!!!! I am furious.....and since the last time she left & came to my house (Christmas)then went back......I have not heard from her. I am some how trying to run her life and she is mad at me of all people! All I can figure out & I detest to even think it....she evidentially likes the drama or she would leave because she has the means & support to get out. Thanks for letting me vent!
Sweetie, please don't be angry with her. My daughter did the same, but through a lot of tears and prayer, I eventually learned how to combat what to do. Every time her abuser called, I handed her the phone. Remember, I was there. I know it works. The more you try to protect them or fight them, the longer they will distance themselves away from you. It only took about a month of my handing the phone to my daughter for her to finally get so sick of what she was doing, she gave it up.
However what triggered her situation was when the young man, and her best friend had a sudden death heart attack, and she caught him as he collapsed. I never ever want to live that horror over again, but I am glad it happened, because even though it took me 3 years of grieving for both of them, I too came to terms with it, and now know it was a part of my training that God allowed Bobby to die, and what happened afterward, in order to prepare me to write my book.
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gr8rnpjt, RN
738 Posts
I "respectfully" disagree with anyone who would say "do not look at these people as 'normal', and "many of these people do not think or feel like us, and changing beliefs and behaviors that are so ingrained can be nearly impossible, much like attempting to convert a christian to islam or vice versa."
what was ingrained in my behavior was the fact that if I fought back I was hit over the head with a cupboard door, and if I called him names back I went to work with the knowledge that my abuser may leave town with my son and I may never see him again. My beliefs were what sustained me and I certainly would have found it much easier to convert to any religion that I felt would get me out of the hell on earth that I found myself living in.
I did not say you were a bad nurse I just hope that you don't have to interact with many of "those people" as this type of thinking does not do the victim any good. I am sure you are a fine nurse if you only have to work with "normal" people who are not dealing with "complex psychosocial issues" such as being jacked up against the wall and pushed around for burning the toast.