I really don't want to get too specific in a situation I faced in the ED I have recently started working in, but let me tell you that the brutality of the situation is overwhelming. It involves a woman getting beat-up by her boyfriend....she arrives to the ED with fresh wounds on top of her healing wounds.
We have a Social Services department that we refer these patients to, but is there anything that any of you have done to help make a difference? If not what do you tell yourself to not let it get to you? It breaks my heart.
Any advice, suggestions, or related experiences would be welcome.
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
I see from your earlier post you speak from experience. I think you are prob ally right on about how she acts when she goes back. The only thing I know for sure is that she was raised with love & in a loving home. Perfect? No and I never meant to imply it was. When they were first married I did every thing in my power to love & make him feel a part of our family....until she told me about the first shove when she was pregnant. I had no way of knowing what went on in her home since she lives so far away. She came to me for help and what I tried to do was what she asked...a way to leave. This has gotten progressively worse....the last time he tried to kill her and told her he would sooner or later. She told us he would choke her until she almost passed out then stop & start again.
The police were involved once again charges pressed/restraining orders the whole nine yards. While he was in jail she called me & said " mom I want to come home." They had been gong to a councilor & she advised my daughter to leave...their councilor told her that she had a hard time giving up on a couple, but she was in danger, and she believed it was not going to change. Once again I did not tell her to leave....she called me. All I did was what she asked....I provided the way out. I also told her do not leave if you plan to go back.....enough is enough & you need to decided how you want your life to be. She wanted to come home and she did. She continued to talk to their councilor via phone, and she continued to urge her to stay away where she was safe. She stayed for about a month and went back.....and yes he would call & she would talk to him! I did not hide
my feelings and told her if she went back.....do not call me again. I cannot live my life in constant turmoil and I refuse to let him control it ....and if she chose to go back and let him kill her, I would just have to bury her because I had done all I could. I also told her if she went back this time he would know for sure that he could do anything her wanted to her. This is her second marriage and the first was bad enough, but this is as bad as it gets and I know if she does not leave he will kill her. I have not talked to her since she left.about 3 months ago. Do I detest him
You see, the problem is hon, the mate has a lot of mental power over her, just as mine did. I felt guilty, I felt there must have been something I did to cause him to be that way, etc. Mine even took our daughter and I didn't know where they were for about 6 weeks. I felt like an empty shell walking around.
She was already leaving a marriage that had in later years become abusive. It wasn't at first, and we had a lot of fun together. But he got in with a bunch of people who were abusers, and he listened to what they had to say, and took their advice.
I even called the police on a man who was mentally ill who moved into my little girl's life. Little did we know he was preying on her at the time. That only made things worse for her. So I petitioned my only reliable source, prayer. The miracle happened on Easter Sunday several years ago now. My oldest daughter went to get her sister away from him. She told my oldest daughter she sold her place, and was moving away. She always listened to my oldest daughter's sound and very wise advice. My oldest daughter brought her and her family home. I shall never ever forget that event.
She is now an OT, owns her own home, and is living and working in Texas.
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
crb613-My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you are living this way. Some women never get out, but if she has any children it may make her see what a monster she is living with.
My mother had to watch me go back time and time again, she didn't understand why but for me there wasn't much of a choice. I was being threatened and coerced into staying and my children were the one's who ultimately gave me the wake up call.
The one thing my mom did was kept lines of communication and let me know she was there for me when I was ready to get away. I know the inner turmoil you are having and your attempt at self preservation is a natural course to take for your own sanity
But please make it clear to your daughter that you will always be there for her when she needs to get away. Because cutting ties with her will only perpetuate the feeling that she is alone in all this and is "stuck" where she is. I bet if you called her today or sent her a card just telling her you love her and will always be there for her, it would make her day.
Because she really feels she had no choice to go back. The abuser is the master manipulator and will do and say anything to get her back under his thumb.
She really needs to hear and know that you are still there.
My mother insisted on calling me every couple of weeks when things were bad and force me to go to lunch with her. No excuses, she would say, I want to see you and the kids and I won't take no for an answer.
She would only bring up the relationship if I did. If not,we didn't speak of him. Then when I went home and got the 3rd degree I could say honestly no, we did not talk about you at all.
Another thing she did was sent cards and little notes all the time. The notes would be accompanied by magazine articles regarding domestic violence or controlling men, and she was very bold about it. She didn't care if he knew she sent them. One time she sent me her old IMAC computer, and in the pages of the literature, she had placed little notes and articles she wanted me to read. You need to make your presence known. He needs to know you are not going anywhere and let her know that you are always there for her. Best of luck and prayers. I will be thinking of you.
You have a very wise mom. I chose to back away from interfering too, but still keep our communication lines open. I'm even going to take your advice about sending her cards even though things are better for her now, I know she would love to get a special card or a note from me. I did send her a photo recently with a note. I will keep it up.
FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I
3,619 Posts
She was already leaving a marriage that had in later years become abusive. It wasn't at first, and we had a lot of fun together. But he got in with a bunch of people who were abusers, and he listened to what they had to say, and took their advice.
I even called the police on a man who was mentally ill who moved into my little girl's life. Little did we know he was preying on her at the time. That only made things worse for her. So I petitioned my only reliable source, prayer. The miracle happened on Easter Sunday several years ago now. My oldest daughter went to get her sister away from him. She told my oldest daughter she sold her place, and was moving away. She always listened to my oldest daughter's sound and very wise advice. My oldest daughter brought her and her family home. I shall never ever forget that event.
She is now an OT, owns her own home, and is living and working in Texas.