Do Not Over-Share!

[TheCommuter]

I first met Toni in the Summer of 2010.

Toni (not her real name) was an average-height woman in her late 40s with a medium build, gray eyes and dark brown hair that fell several inches below her shoulders. She was a floor LVN at the same specialty rehab hospital where I still work. And she was one of the most proficient, highly skilled nurses I had ever met. With nearly 30 years of experience, this woman was a valuable resource who could run circles around virtually every other nurse on the unit. It's unfortunate I only got to work with her for a grand total of three months.

Toni lacked a verbal filter. She talked too much about her personal issues: the perpetually unemployed husband who cheated on her, the slacker adult children, and so forth. Once she revealed to her coworkers that she had bipolar disorder, they began to whisper to themselves, "This woman is so crazy!" As soon as she disclosed that she was not being treated for her issue, some coworkers placed a bulls-eye on her back and began to target her. And eight years of dedicated employment went down the drain as she was forced to resign over a questionable accusation made by a student nurse who was completing clinical rotations in the facility.

Prior to Toni's revelation that she suffered from bipolar disorder, no one bothered her.

Bipolar disorder and other mental health issues are still stigmatized in healthcare settings, whether or not anyone wants to believe it. I am cognizant that many state boards of nursing require nurses to disclose certain mental illnesses. However, if management or the employee health department at your place of employment is not asking about your health conditions, I would not divulge to any of your coworkers that you have any type of mental illness, because it is unfortunate and inevitable that some of these people will label you as 'nutty' or 'unstable.'

Also, develop an internal filter that will prevent you from sharing your personal problems that are none of your coworkers' business. Smile, be pleasant, and play the game. Do not over-share!

It took me some time to learn this lesson because I also have a history of mental health problems. I was treated for depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in the distant past and took medications for a while. I am also an extreme introvert who doesn't particularly enjoy mingling and small talk. Prior to sharing too much information at a previous workplace several years ago, coworkers largely respected me. However, once I casually mentioned my childhood traumas and other personal issues surrounding depression, people began to whisper that I was "weird."

To wrap things up, Toni's forced resignation taught me a couple of lessons that will remain in my awareness for the rest of my working career. For starters, if no one is asking about your mental health issues at the job, do not share unless you wish to be stigmatized. Second, if no one is asking about your physical health problems at the job, I also see no need to share this information unless your employee health department has a specific reason to know.

Finally, get an internal filter as soon as possible. Talk about superficial topics such as the vacation you recently took, the wedding you attended or your kid's birthday party. Anything more personal is none of your coworkers' business.

[AZ_LPN_8_26_13]

I agree - politics and religion are two topics that I stay away from discussing at work. In most cases you aren't going to change any minds, and you may make enemies besides. I sometimes discuss these things with patients believe it or not, but only if they bring it up and their views somewhat line up with my own. Co-workers?? With them I stay away from these topics entirely.

[AZ_LPN_8_26_13]

The bipolar disorder did not get Toni fired (love that name); her lack of a verbal filter got her fired.

I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I sometimes wonder if lack of a verbal filter could be a manifestation of mental disorder. I know that according to one theory, your frontal cortex of your brain is the center that regulates this. As the theory goes, people who speak inappropriately about topics not appropriate to the situation, or who have a habit of saying things out loud that maybe most people only think, have frontal cortex deficiencies of some sort.

[AZ_LPN_8_26_13]

The ADA didn't do a blessed thing for me when I needed it. My employer and their bank of lawyers decided that making 'reasonable accommodations' for my disability was too onerous, and they let me go instead of trying to work with me. Naturally, I asked my doctor and our attorney as well as researching the issue for myself, and every source said my chances of winning a lawsuit were 50-50 at best. And what would I have won had I put myself through that stress? I might have gotten my job back, with back pay, but I didn't want it anymore at that point anyway....who wants to work for someone who's disposed of you like yesterday's newspaper?

I stand by my original post, even though I hate to admit that I'm "part of the problem". Sharing my own bipolar diagnosis with people at work has cost me dearly, and I won't do it again should I be fortunate enough to find a job where they don't already know me.

That's another issue - This stuff could follow you around to other places. If a person never tells anyone, no one's the wiser. I myself battled depression long long ago and was on psych meds. No one I work for knows any of this nor will they ever. Employer or co-worker. It's just not necessary and as all of the posts prove it will bite you in the butt.

[AZ_LPN_8_26_13]

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, insubordination is defined as not obeying authority and refusing to follow orders.

My former coworker's loud rant to the CNO does not exactly constitute disobedience of authority or refusal to follow orders. Therefore, Toni was not insurbodinate. Her complaint was loud, inappropriate and missing some much-needed tact, but she did not disobey anyone or refuse to follow orders.

Very true. And I imagine that the CNO by that time had heard about her untreated bipolar condition, and probably said to themself "I don't have to put up with this - she is done here. We should have done this long ago actually." The sad thing is that she probably was a great nurse, and people originally probably looked at this as just an eccentricity of personality, which in most cases people tend to do. I do the same thing myself - it would take a lot for me to actually label someone as "crazy". Lots of people that I work with have, how can I say this..... "quirky" personalities. To me it doesn't mean they're nuts. But if someone throws in something like info about a past of mental problems well, most people are going to tie the two together and suddenly people are less forgiving.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

Working with nurses every day, day in, day out, you'd think we had it made! Working with nurses who all took an oath to care for others, often putting themselves last, should be a cake walk, right? We should care for each other like we do our patients, right??

Unfortunately, WRONG.

Every place I've worked, it's like my fellow nurses are out to get each other; always trying to "one up" the other nurse. It's a shame really.

Two months into my very first nursing job after passing NCLEX, my mom (a non-nurse) came to me and said, "Crystal, what's wrong with you? Every time you come pick up Kenzie (my daughter) after work you either have tears in your eyes or you barely say a word. What gives?" I began telling her about the nurses I worked with and how I felt like I was in middle school again. Her words were: "I'm shocked! You're around nurses all day...how can it be that bad?" Little did she know how it really was/is. I learned to say NOTHING TO NO ONE. EVEN IF I THOUGHT THAT A FELLOW NURSE WAS MY "FRIEND". It'd be nice if my fellow nurses DID care about each other like they do their patients.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that nurses were supposed to be saints who cared for their patients and for each other, always putting themselves last. Nursing is a job, just like any other and our co-workers are our co-workers. We have no special obligation to care for co-workers just as we do our patients.

That said, if you encounter a few nasty, ****** or otherwise negative individuals, it's probably them. They probably are nasty, ****** or otherwise negative. If the majority of people you're encountering are nasty, ****** or otherwise negative, you really should take a look at yourself and what you're putting out there. If the majority of your interactions are negative, the common thread that runs between them is you. You need to figure out what you're doing wrong so you can do it differently. If EVERYONE, or nearly everyone you meet is "out to get you" or "trying to one-up" you, it's definitely YOU.

Your avatar is lovely, but please don't use a picture of yourself as an avatar. That makes it so easy for colleagues past and present to figure out who you are. That's a problem even if the posts that you're making aren't as negative as the one I'm quoting. Don't fool yourself that the internet is anonymous, but please don't make it so easy to pick you out.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I think the take-home message here is that nursing exists in a workplace, just like most other professions.

The problem is that because we are entrusted with the lives and well-being of our patients, it is assumed that nurses should automatically repeat the same behavior back at each other. While this would be undeniably nice, it's not realistic. My professional responsibility to my patient is to take care of them. I have no such obligation to my coworkers.

Can you imagine putting the same expectations on bankers? Journalists? Even physicians? Any other profession other than nursing? Exactly.

This, in my opinion, exposes a basic inability on the part of the profession to distinguish between work and personal life. If something at work ****** me off, I don't go running to my coworkers and tell them. I grin and bear it until I get home and I can tell my husband, who obligingly listens to my rants--and vice-versa.

Well said! You said the same thing I tried to, but you expressed it better.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I sometimes wonder if lack of a verbal filter could be a manifestation of mental disorder. I know that according to one theory, your frontal cortex of your brain is the center that regulates this. As the theory goes, people who speak inappropriately about topics not appropriate to the situation, or who have a habit of saying things out loud that maybe most people only think, have frontal cortex deficiencies of some sort.

People with Asperger's syndrome tend to have this trait. They don't pick up on the social cues most of us take for granted, and thus they rarely learn how to relate to others in socially acceptable ways. I have a son with this disorder who is now 25 and still has no real concept of how people communicate---he often interrupts conversations with completely unrelated comments, or comes up with things out of the blue that may be inappropriate for his audience (for example, talking about military machines at coffee-and-donuts after Mass). He just "doesn't get it", but it's not his fault.

This is also seen in bipolar disorder, as I mentioned before. While in a euthymic state, most of us have the normal capacity for social interactions and would no more share overly personal information than the next person; but throw in a little hypomania and all the filters go away. I once harangued a co-worker for over an hour when she asked me how BP affected my everyday life! So obviously, a person afflicted with this illness has to try to avoid becoming manic if s/he is to keep it quiet....not an easy job, especially if s/he is naturally friendly and gregarious.

[TerpGal02, ASN]

People with Asperger's syndrome tend to have this trait. They don't pick up on the social cues most of us take for granted, and thus they rarely learn how to relate to others in socially acceptable ways. I have a son with this disorder who is now 25 and still has no real concept of how people communicate---he often interrupts conversations with completely unrelated comments, or comes up with things out of the blue that may be inappropriate for his audience (for example, talking about military machines at coffee-and-donuts after Mass). He just "doesn't get it", but it's not his fault.

This is also seen in bipolar disorder, as I mentioned before. While in a euthymic state, most of us have the normal capacity for social interactions and would no more share overly personal information than the next person; but throw in a little hypomania and all the filters go away. I once harangued a co-worker for over an hour when she asked me how BP affected my everyday life! So obviously, a person afflicted with this illness has to try to avoid becoming manic if s/he is to keep it quiet....not an easy job, especially if s/he is naturally friendly and gregarious.

I agree with the lack of a filter during mania, but sometimes I have experienced this during severe depression. My cognition is TERRIBLE when I'm depressed, so I might have something in my head I know I shouldn't say but it slips out anyway because my thought process is just so slow/shredded.

[AZ_LPN_8_26_13]

I'm not sure where you got the idea that nurses were supposed to be saints who cared for their patients and for each other, always putting themselves last. Nursing is a job, just like any other and our co-workers are our co-workers. We have no special obligation to care for co-workers just as we do our patients.

That said, if you encounter a few nasty, ****** or otherwise negative individuals, it's probably them. They probably are nasty, ****** or otherwise negative. If the majority of people you're encountering are nasty, ****** or otherwise negative, you really should take a look at yourself and what you're putting out there. If the majority of your interactions are negative, the common thread that runs between them is you. You need to figure out what you're doing wrong so you can do it differently. If EVERYONE, or nearly everyone you meet is "out to get you" or "trying to one-up" you, it's definitely YOU.

Your avatar is lovely, but please don't use a picture of yourself as an avatar. That makes it so easy for colleagues past and present to figure out who you are. That's a problem even if the posts that you're making aren't as negative as the one I'm quoting. Don't fool yourself that the internet is anonymous, but please don't make it so easy to pick you out.

I think that where a lot of people have problems is they con themselves into thinking that "friends" at work are of the same type and quality as close lifelong friends you would have outside of work, and the truth is that this very seldom happens. I've seen people get into real trouble confiding in "friends" at work only to find out that they are all of a sudden in hot water. Yes, try to be friendly and helpful to coworkers at work and try to get along with everyone, but don't kid yourself. One thing I've learned in working for over seven years in a big city hospital is that it helps to have a thick skin. Mine is a bit thicker than it was seven years ago A lot of this stuff you have to learn to just let roll off of you, otherwise you are going to be going around perpetually hurt and offended. And I've learned over the years to leave work at work and not bring it home with you. When the whistle blows at work, I'm done - I don't bring crap from work home with me........

[AZ_LPN_8_26_13]

People with Asperger's syndrome tend to have this trait. They don't pick up on the social cues most of us take for granted, and thus they rarely learn how to relate to others in socially acceptable ways. I have a son with this disorder who is now 25 and still has no real concept of how people communicate---he often interrupts conversations with completely unrelated comments, or comes up with things out of the blue that may be inappropriate for his audience (for example, talking about military machines at coffee-and-donuts after Mass). He just "doesn't get it", but it's not his fault.

This is also seen in bipolar disorder, as I mentioned before. While in a euthymic state, most of us have the normal capacity for social interactions and would no more share overly personal information than the next person; but throw in a little hypomania and all the filters go away. I once harangued a co-worker for over an hour when she asked me how BP affected my everyday life! So obviously, a person afflicted with this illness has to try to avoid becoming manic if s/he is to keep it quiet....not an easy job, especially if s/he is naturally friendly and gregarious.

Yes, and what I was referring to expresses itself not only in the manner you are describing, but in things like blurting out things that most people would think but would never dream of actually saying out loud. Example: A lady shows up wearing a dress that's absolutely garish and weird looking - A lot of people would think that quietly to themselves, but wouldn't say it out loud, but a person with a frontal cortex problem would. In a way, it's a lack of a verbal filter. People who "overshare" might have a similar problem

[TerpGal02, ASN]

Not only just lack of understanding social norms as in ASD, but in many mental illnesses, it's an issue with impulse control, which of course is a problem with the prefrontal cortex as well. Hence why children and teens lack impulse control sometimes. That part of the brain isn't fully developed until the 20s

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

Not only just lack of understanding social norms as in ASD but in many mental illnesses, it's an issue with impulse control, which of course is a problem with the prefrontal cortex as well. Hence why children and teens lack impulse control sometimes. That part of the brain isn't fully developed until the 20s[/quote']

And think about a percentage of people who may have had past traumas or socio emotional conflicts during childhood...

I found when I developed PTSD, and having a mood disorder trait, I had my times of "over sharing" as I alluded to in my first post; during each year I find myself feeling like a teenager in terms of the impulse control, but most of it is a defense mechanism...during most of my traumatic situations, I NEEDED to over share to survive; it was a way of life...sometimes I'm so bottled up when I "need" to over share it can be at a huge risk; then again those risks paid off fortunately.

Currently I was very accepting in medication therapy again; It does help in gathering thoughts together, even on a low dose; it has been found I am VERY sensitive to mood stabilizers unfortunately; I'm just glad adding a psychiatrist with my therapist and a small dose of medication and staying centered helps for the good; I meditate "less is more" as well -learning how to cross bridges all over again, it has to get easier.