Do I have the right to be upset?

TazziRN, RN · Feb 19, 2008

What's happening to you is common to people who get sober: they change and the people around them don't. It's not a bad thing, it just happens. What you need to do now is some serious thinking about whether or not your BF fits in your life the way it is now. It is very common for couples to grow apart when one gets sober, because sobriety brings about some heavy-duty changes, and the other person does not change. I told my daughter just today that she needs to be prepared for the possibility of growing apart from her best friend, who is still using and drinking.

barefootlady, ADN, RN · Feb 19, 2008

Hi Chun,

Tazzi gave you some on spot advice. Only you can make the decision as to how you and the BF need to proceed. It sounds like now is the time for some honest, open, frank discussions on what each of you want and need in the future. Even though you were able to stop the other behaviors, maybe a little counselling for relationship issues would be good for you. I wish you the best.

CHATSDALE · Feb 20, 2008

ask him how he see himself and you in a few years down the road

how does he feel when he 'falls off the wagon

how do you get along when you are both sober

which him to you like the best

a lot of varibles here, be honest with yourself and with him

Ninja Nurse, ASN · Feb 20, 2008

Thank all of you. You are all right and I appreciate it very much. Yes I will have to have what I like to call a Dr. Phil discussion with him about this. :rolleyes:

Thanks again. Chun

Meriwhen, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN · Feb 24, 2008

But four years ago, I accepted this about him.

That pretty much sums it up because you can't make him change. Only he can make himself change. You can ask, beg, plead, threaten, whatever...but in the end, he's not going to change his ways unless he wants to.

Like everyone else says, you need to have that honest talk with him. If this is the man you're planning to spend the rest of your life with, you need to be upfront in dealing with your feelings about his habits and your future. Ignoring them isn't going to make things any better, nor will they go away.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you!

Ninja Nurse, ASN · Mar 23, 2008

so..... i did have that honest talk with him. actually shortly after everyone's replies, but i wanted to see how it turned out before i spoke about it.

well, i learned that my boyfriend feels that alcohol helps with his anxiety (yes he has mild to severe bouts of anxiety). he is only 25 and used to be on meds for anxiety, at the request of his parents, when he was a teenager. he stopped the meds shortly before we began our relationship. this was in 2003. he feels that he can manage his anxiety without the meds, and that alcohol helps. i have noticed the difference and that's ok.

i can hear it now!!! i know, i know! remember from my post that he does not get drunk and enjoys a couple beers(no hard liquor). i have come to realize that if it it truely makes things "easier" to cope with than i am okay with that. he didn't like what the meds did to him and instead of taking daily medication for anxiety, he chooses to use beer. he has a dependency either way, having to deal with anxiety. and as we all know, anxiety isn't a choice.

i have turned to the wonderful addage from aa to help me deal with this:

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

i hope this helps anyone in the same boat as me. thank you for your support. :nuke:

lamazeteacher · Nov 27, 2008

Quote: "I have turned to the wonderful addage from AA to help me deal with this:"

It's good to be familiar with, and use a 12 step program for substance abuse (and alcolhol is a substance, as you know). That said, it seems that if his parents were concerned enough about your bf's anxiety, that's what needs to be addressed.

Preventive maintenance is necessary in every relationship, lest problems worsen from being shoved "under the bed". Doing that makes them worse, causing more problems.

Social drinking is a repast enjoyed by many without overindulgence /addiction, and that isn't seen as abuse, as long as it's infrequent and used in moderation. However when its purpose is to cover up a possibly serious concern, it is a concern. Best to take care of anxiety while you're young, and before permanent decisions are made. Counseling for him needs to be undertaken before advancing your relationship.

Please consider that, coming from someone who married a phobic, anxiety ridden, hard drinking (later drug user) man and became quite codependent. I divorced him twice....... We're now in our upper 60s with unresolved problems involving our kids and have a nasty "hangover" from what we'd hoped, intellectually, would be amicable ex marriages.

Of course he's always been convinced that I had the problem, not him, so he didn't climb that first step.

Today (Thanksgiving) I'm more happy without him and thankful that the heavy weight (him) has lifted from my back.

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Nov 28, 2008

These are some very good replies and advice.

I was married to a man who smoked pot to calm him down, for anxiety reasons. For 9 years I thought it was okay becauase it did just that, calmed him down. He was a very nervous man and has social anxiety along with it. Probably ADHD and some other things too. Just like your boyfriend, he didn't like the way the meds made him feel. The biggest side effect for him was erection dysfunction. Which I though, okay, thats a GOOD reason to stop taking the meds.

But guess what, our marraige and our lives went NOWHERE. He was always chilled out and NEVER WANTED TO DO ANYTHING. We rarely went on vacation because he'd rather just sit on the couch, and when we did go, he was too chilled out to get out of the car and actually DO something.

I finally realized that I had to get out of that relationship if I wanted to DO ANYTHING productive with my life and if I wanted TO GO ANYWHERE AND SUCCEED in life. I realized I needed to be a strong independent woman. I'm telling you this because I think you should take a long hard look at what's going on at home. Think about where you will be with this man 5 or 10 years down the road. From what you've wrote, you love him and you want to be with him, but , really, is he the best thing for you? You really need to ask yourself that.

Sure you can go to counseling, if he will go, and you can talk and make up and be wonderful until you're blue in the face. But it will not erase the fact that you are sober and you want to do something wonderful with your life, while he is still using alcohol and weed to medicate himself.

I hope the best for you hun.

Ninja Nurse, ASN · Aug 29, 2012

Think about where you will be with this man 5 or 10 years down the road.

Here I am, 5 years later and finally finished my ADN, ready to start BSN next semester. It's been a long trying road and when I look back at some of my old threads, I cringe :uhoh21:. Well, I left that guy shortly after posting this thread. He went into the deepest hole of his lifetime, drinking whole bottles of liquor a day and got a dui (he's lucky he didn't kill someone). He's still dealing with the repercussions. And yeah, I still keep in touch with him. Not my bf, but he'll always be on my list of people who I'll care about until I'm 90. I'm grateful for this forum for the guidance perfect strangers have continued to provide and will continue to provide.

Much Love

rn/writer, RN · Aug 29, 2012

Thanks for the update.

No need to cringe over old threads. You were where you were at the time. Now, you're someplace farther down the road. I'm grateful for members who are willing to share their thoughts--warts and all--and let us all know how vulnerable we can be and how much we need each other.

So glad that you have take a different path from the old boyfriend. Your posts hinted that you had a growing dissatisfaction with living around alcohol and weed. It didn't sound so much like you were tempted as that you just wanted more out of life. It's really difficult to stay in synch with someone who has differing values in this area. Even if you never say a word, they can feel their own guilt and project it onto those who care and are close. Taking another path doesn't mean you stop caring, only that you have decided to care from a distance.

Congrats on finishing your ADN. Best wishes with the BSN.