so depressed... seriously feel like it's all over...plz HELP ME

[CharleeJo.RN]

**I KNOW THIS IS LONG BUT PLEASE READ...PLEASE...I NEED HELP..I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO...i have been so depressed i cant do anything..please SOMEBODY help me...please...*

I graduated from the PN program in August, was licensed in November, and started my first nursing job right after licensure. I was hired at a nursing home and from the very get-go knew that: #1) I don't want to work in LTC, and #2) this would be very overwhelming. At this particular facility, LPNs do everything that RNs do except for IVs (bags, pushes, starts) and declaring death. So that means we also do all meds, treatments, PO's (physician orders), admits/discharges, pharmacy, everything.

I thought I could do it. I've always wanted to be a nurse, once I started nursing school I knew that I was in the right place and this was my calling in life. I would save lives, enrich lives, be an amazing nurse and help so many people. I would be happy and fulfilled, and everything else would fall into place, because I would be doing what my heart longed for: being a nurse. I'm the kind of person that pulls off the road in the pouring rain to let a stray dog come into my car, feed it, and bring it to the shelter so it's family can find it. I'm the kind of person that pulls over in winter to help an elderly person struggling to shovel their driveway. I always go out of my way for others, human or animal, because that's just who I am.

So...I start at the job. Everything is okay at first. Yeah, it's overwhelming and stressful, because there's just sooo much to learn and do and even in a 12-hour shift, seems like there's not enough time to do it all. I have ~30 residents under my care, and the other nurse has the other 30-ish residents. Only 2 nurses on duty. We have CNA's too, but half the time it seems like I'm doing their job too. 3 med passes during my shift, an average of 5 treatments per resident per shift, treating acute problems (diarrhea, chest pain, SOB, pain, etc.); preparing pt's for dialysis (copies of ppwork, vitals, meds), appointments (copies of ppwork, meds), discharges/admits (ridiculous amt of ppwork, verifying PO's, sending rx's to pharmacy, complete physical assessment, setting up treatments)... doctors calling for appts, follow-up on labs, med changes, INR levels, new orders, procedures needed...family calling to check on resident...

And so much more, but I won't overload you with all the details. Honestly, though, a ridiculous amount of stuff! And on top of that, anytime that something happens with a resident (say, family is upset over something, or an incident occurs) not only do you need to do the proper ppwork as well as following protocol (with VS, assessments, etc.) you need to notify the family, MD, and DON or administrator - even if it's like 3 AM. Now I'm a new grad, there's so much that I don't know, and during my orientation (~3 weeks) all that we focused on was med pass and treatments because that's the major thing - I was briefly oriented to all the other million things that need to be done, but it was mostly "learn as you go."

Anyways, I screwed up a couple times. Not filling out something properly - a PO to d/c ASA when a pt had a high INR. The only reason it was d/c in the 1st place is because I saw the pt was on ASA while on Coumadin (hello!) and had a very high INR (7.0) so I called the MD to d/c it. No one else caught that this whole time! So I d/c it but didn't put the order in another place that I should have (which I had never done before) and the next time I worked, like 4 days later, I noticed he was still getting it. I talked to DON, turns out other nurses were giving it because I didn't process the order correctly. Yet, no other nurse thought hey why is he getting ASA when we're holding his Coumadin r/t high INR? But the blame falls on me.

Another screw up: I didn't process a PO that came on my shift, because I told the following shift to process it (which everyone does because there's no possible way we can do it all on 1 shift). Well, that nurse didn't process it and no one did for 5 DAYS - turns out the pt had UTI which caused all these other problems, and the blame falls on me again for not processing the order right away.

There was an issue with a patients family r/t the pt's infection and the family didn't feel they'd been properly informed about it. I was technically off-duty as the nurse on that floor, but I helped the nurse on duty talk with the family and sort through everything (that nurse had been there >1 year). Anyways, I ended up doing most of the talking, so I was the one who charted on it. I called my DON about it, she said just write up a report and put it under the admin's door. Ok, so I did. Next day admin calls me very upset, wants to set up a meeting, because I didn't call her at the time it happened or did I fill out the proper form for the family. Even though I'm the new kid and don't know all this quite yet, the blame falls on me, not the nurse who has been there over a year and who was involved in the situation too.

And to top it all off, I was drawing up morphine to give to a patient. Order is for 0.5-1.0 mg SQ q1h prn. I was so overwhelmed that day and nervous because of the person who was w/me at the time, that the 1 time I don't triple-check what I'm doing, I draw up the wrong dose. i DID NOT give it to the pt. The other nurse w/me corrected me, and I was drawing up/shooting back the dose because I knew sumn wasnt right, but she saw it before me. So she reported it to the admin, which was right before the whole family situation mentioned above, so I was already set up for a meeting with the admin.

She fired me the next day. No if's, and's, or but's about it. She said I wasn't catching on quick enough in regards to ppwork and "proper protocol" for events (like calling her for something that isn't an emergency...). And since that other nurse corrected my morphine dose the other day she didn't feel comfortable with me working under her license. I know that was a huge ****-up, but I swear on my life, every single time I had atleast triple checked my dose, and just this one time..just this 1 time...ugh.

Nevermind the things I had caught that seasoned nurses hadn't caught. nevermind how great I was with the pt's, how caring i was with them, nevermind the family members who came in just to personally thank me & give me a hug for everything i did for their dying loved one, nevermind the good i did... nevermind that i'm brand-new and this just is incredibly stressful, not enough staff, not conducive to being a GOOD nurse just being a FAST nurse... nevermind that i broke down at work, completely sobbing, atleast 4 times in the last 2 weeks because of the stress and under-staffing that made it impossible to do everything, or that the other new nurse (an RN) was sobbing almost every day for those same reasons...

So, I got fired from my 1st nursing job. I feel so horrible. I feel like such a failure. I feel like a bad, bad nurse. Incompetent. Useless. Like my career is over, my life is over. No one else will want to hire me after they speak to this employer. I don't even want to work right now because I'm afraid that I can't do it. I don't think I'm good enough. So what if I did really good in school and am still going for my RN right now...obviously that doesn't translate into being good in practice. So what if my pt's loved me, families appreciated me, doesn't amount to much now does it. Since getting fired on Friday, I pretty much haven't left my house except for school. Not answering the phone, avoiding family & friends because I don't want to tell them. I'm too ashamed, too embarassed, too depressed to do anything or see anyone or try to feel better. I don't know where to go from here, what to do, how to cope, how to move on.

I don't know if I can move on. Right now I feel like this has defined me, and these last few years have been a waste because i can't be a nurse. Previous employer seems to think so. I want to crawl in a big black hole and just wither away in there..it would be better than realizing my dreams are crashing down, exploding into nothing, that there's nothing left for me other than workin at the local gas station and being miserable forever. Honestly how I feel. Especially in this small town, it will be difficult to find someone else to hire me, cuz past employer will probably tell them everything and they won't want to hear my side of things. Whatever.

Even tho this facility has a reputation around town for being extremely difficult to work for, and one of the nurses there told me its a "revolving door for nurses", and the nurse there w/highest seniority has only worked there for 3 YEARS...it's still a job, a nursing job that i was FIRED from. my 1st one. fired. after 2 months. god...

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS...i need help...i don't know who else to turn to...i'm too ashamed to talk to family or friends about it really...i don't know what else to do. is it all over for me? it may be...

[bigbub3000]

OK, deep breath. Again. :flwrhrts: Now, here's a hug, too. ( you )

This too shall pass. We have all done things wrong. Your boss sounds impatient, had her mind made up without hearing your side. If you didn't have a chance to tell your side, I hope you will talk with her again.

You can't learn everything that fast. And as you point out, the other nurses didn't catch these errors at all. How scary is that? What does your boss say about that fact?

I think you should be re-hired if you want to be and given a raise.

Something good or better will come along.

But you have to speak up for yourself. Stop focusing on how kind you are, how you help shovel snow for others and rescue strays. Those are great traits but don't fit on the job, IMHO.

Just focus on how recently you graduated, your terribly brief orientation, how you picked up on the errors and trusted someone else to correct it. Someone who let you down and caused the errors to persist. Why not fire that person, too?

You need to calm down. Don't mention this job on a resume if you can avoid it. Or see about getting rehired there. D on't overreact. I know it's easy for me to say but you just sound wound up too much.

Hey, good luck.

[MJB2010]

You will find another job, and it it HAS to be better than this one! The only way to learn is with practice, and you know you didn't want to be there anyway!

Everything happens for a reason, even if it is hard to see in the moment. DOwn the road you will look back and be thankful you didnt spend another moment in the job in which you were not appreciated, and didnt want to be in the first place!

Hang in there, if you can get through Nursing school you can get through this!

[zahryia, LPN]

You should be dancing for joy that your first med mistake wasn;t on a live patient. Be grateful for that gift. We have ALL made med mistakes.

Now, time to pick yourself up from your pity party. I don't mean to be harsh, but there's no time to waste in this kind of economy.

Personally, I would not put this job on your resume and try to pass yourself off as a new grad, which is still what you are.

Just keep looking and apply online. After you apply online, get nice resume paper and suit and go to the HR department for a follow-up.

You're going to be fine. I feel it. I can tell you have a lot of potential as a great nurse.

'

[jjjoy, LPN]

In a work environment like that, it seems like no one tells it like it is and it can drive a person crazy, especially when you have direct responsibility for patients AND you're new and have few points of reference or experience to call upon to give you confidence in your skills and judgements. It can get hard to tell up from down!

You seem like a responsible, reflective person so I doubt you would completely misjudge your work performance. If it felt like you were doing pretty well and making good progress, then you probably were even if no one you were working with would ever admit it. They wanted something else from you than just increasingly competent nursing care... perhaps a certain attitude, an unofficial pecking order to follow, 'minding your own business' (not 'looking for mistakes'), etc. There could any of several reasons behind letting you go. No one's perfect and so if you look close enough, especially newbies, you can find mistakes and use those as justification instead of trying to come up with a defendable reason for firing someone.

I know how it can feel to be in that place (a very similar situation to yours). Try to have faith that that's a *feeling* and not a reflection of your abilities, strengths, competencies, etc. If you truly are as incompetent as you *feel* right now, you wouldn't have ever gotten into school and graduated! You *know* you are a competent person with a lot to offer and so it's confusing that these co-workers who you were looking to learn from couldn't seem to see it. But it truly is *their* limited perception.

Unfortunately it's quite common for newbies to be let go of or to feel so overwhelmed that they quit their first job. But fortunately, that means that your situation is not uncommon and many nurses won't hold it against you because they know that some work environments are toxic and impossible to blossom in. You can be one of those nurses who empathesizes with your situation and assumes not that you must be irredeemably incompetent but that you have much to offer as a nurse and as a person.

[Little Panda RN, ASN, RN]

My heart goes out to you!!!!! I can feel your anquish in your post and that is saying alot. I think it is just terrible how certain facilities can make a new nurse or any nurse for that matter feel so absolutely horrible about themselves. We have all made mistakes and we have all learned from them. It sounds like you had a lot on your plate at this facility, its no wonder there were mistakes made. Please don't let this define what type of nurse you are and what type of nurse you will be in the future. You are a great nurse!!! Keep your chin up, head held high!!!!!

When one door closes another one will open!!!!!

Sending cyber hugs your way,

Mary

[StumbelinaRN]

Hi Char,

I'm sorry to read about your work environment, but I don't feel sorry that you got fired. It's the best thing that could have happened. It makes life harder because you were let go without notice or time to move on to a different job, but you can now move on to a better job.

There's no reason to hide the fact that you got fired, in fact, if the hospital does a background check (and the majority of them do these days) they'll find the job and decide not to consider you for the position because you were not honest on your application. It would be wise to just avoid going that route. It happened: you got canned.

If what you said is true about the place having a reputation for being tough on the nurses, there's a chance you'll run into a hiring manager who has heard the same thing about your last facility. Even if you need to explain why you left, you can let the hiring manager know you didn't have a lot of training and very little support. Char, you made a mistake that most nurses have made in their careers. The majority of the hiring managers I have come across have been nurses at some point in their lifetime, and have probably made the same mistake. Before you go into an interview, practice how you're going to approach the situation, what you'll say happened and why you think it happened. It seems to me all you need to do it give the most accurate explanation of what occurred. You're a new nurse and you should have had a lot more support than was given to you by your last employer. A good hiring manager will see this, and not pass you up for a job.

Fight the good fight!

[Diaper, RN]

Hello there,

I just wanted to tell you that when I had my first nursing job at a prestigious hospital, the similar thing happened to me. I almost made a med error. I had a meeting with the managers and so forth. People there were not very supportive so I quitted. At that time, it was the lowest point in my life, I was so depressed and questioned myself whether I was supposed to be a nurse.

A month later, I found a RN position at a smaller hospital. The people over there're very supportive and I also received many compliments about my performance. (I'm still working there).

So the moral of my story is that, don't give up. I always believe that God has a plan for everyone and I'm sure something better will come along !

Take care

[CharleeJo.RN]

Thank you everyone SO MUCH for sharing your own stories and helping me look at this thing from a different angle. I know that sometimes I can over-dramatize, but I just feel things intensely and nursing is my WHOLE LIFE. I am not married, I have no kids, these last few years my entirety revolved around nursing. And after this happened, I was honestly just devastated. I'm still reeling from the blow, but every day I'm feeling a little bit better. It's taken a big toll on me and yes I do feel lousy and still doubt my abilities but I am starting to feel like if I go into a better environment where I have support and more help, I can really prosper and become the amazing nurse that is there in me somewhere, just waiting to really shine. Thank you everyone I cannot express how grateful and appreciative I am of your words and how much it helps :)

[CharleeJo.RN]

Oh and just for the record, I will *not* omit this job on applications. Especially because every health care employer does background checks which includes job history. I will be open and honest with prospective employers and hopefully they will understand and recognize that I have amazing potential and would be an asset to their team. :) I just need more experience and practice, and if that means I need to ask another nurse to hold my hand sometimes, then that's what I'll do. But I do think I'll take a *wee* break and review some things that would better prepare me for working. I think by this time next week I'll be in much better spirits and hopefully can put this behind me and resume life! Thanks again. I hope this thread hopes other new nurses too..

[athena55, BSN, RN]

Hey there Char:

You do what you feel is right, but how long did you work there? A few months?

Seriously, how will any future job interviewer know where you worked unless you tell them? If they ask about a gap in your employment history, hey you've just graduated and took some time off. Period.

Get right back on that horse! Send out your resume. Look for a hospital that is hiring that has a preceptor program or one where you are on orientation for a wee bit longer than a few weeks.

Don't give up. Don't give "them" the power. Own what happened to you. Life is a learning curve.

athena

[maheekappus]

I think that the place you are working for is very dangerous due to the fact that they assign too many residents per nurse. It sounds like a rediculos place. Also, don't make yourself feel down and depressed because that place that you workded for sounds like a disaster waiting to happen because of the ratio and lack of team work among employees. Truley, I think it was a blessing that you were laid off. I think if you really like to try working again, apply for another job and do not mention your past employment. Also, when you apply for a new job make sure to go through orentation to the end and no matter how ready you feel even if you feel you are oriented ask them for a week longer for oreintation to become even more familair with the place and truley if the ration is so bad as more than 12 to 1 I would not even take the job to begin with. Another thing you can do is continue your educationa and work toward your RN slowly. Hope you feel better.