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Discussion

Dealing With Death After Personal Tragedy

I have struggled with how to word this, but I guess straight to the point is the best option. My mother was murdered over the summer, and ever since then I have had huge issues trying to deal with the death of my residents. I know my role is to be supportive to families and the resident as well through end-of-life matters, but oh my is it difficult! I feel their death much more deeply. It's more personal now.

I feel I am back to functional in everyday matters, and can get through a day without much fanfare or issue. Case in point, I currently have a younger cancer patient who appears to be nearing the end, and it's killing me. I inadvertently allow him and his family get too close, and I really fear how it's going to go when he passes. I tear up in front of family already when we discuss serious end-of-life issues. I can not imagine that it will "go well" when he does pass. I feel selfish for hoping beyond hope that he passes on a different shift, when I'm on a different assignment, or on my days off. I know that if he is "mine" on the day he passes, I'll have to maintain the best level of professionalism I can possibly muster. I just have serious doubt about my ability to perform at that level. Frankly, I'm terrified. Please tell me that this gets more tolerable.

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    First of all, I extend my deepest condolences for the loss of your mother. I am so very sorry that something so violent happened to her.

    If you have not done so already, would you be open to the idea of attending some grief counseling sessions? It seems as if you're extrapolating the deaths of your residents with your mother's loss. This is not the healthiest coping mechanism because, as healthcare providers, we need to compartmentalize and remain emotionally intact for our patients and their families.

    I suspect you need more time to grieve. Even though this is an online community, we are here for you. (((HUGS)))

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    On a similar note, it sounds like you are reliving your own reactive experiences each time you approach an imminent/actual death situation. I don't know if as a survivor of such a devastating episode might you be experiencing some sort of PTSD?

    You may need more time to grieve but you might also need some professional counseling help. Don't know if your employer has some type of EAP; maybe your PMP can be of some assistance. (Maybe some time off from work?)

    In your career you're struggling. You can't keep facing that all the time. It's taking a toll on you now. You need support to see your way clear of your tragic experience.

    My condolences for your loss and best wishes for your future. Will hold good thoughts for you.

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    Oh, dear, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. What an awful thing to live with! I can't even imagine the depth of your pain. But I agree with the other posters who have advised counseling, not just so you can manage your stress at work, but for you to deal with the rage and grief and helplessness you may be feeling. This isn't something you just "get over"---eventually you'll get through it, and get past it, but not over it.

    In time, the pain will become tolerable, but in the meantime you need to call in all the support you can get. Coming here is a good thing, you can lean on us and let us help you. But you also need the services of a real, live mental health professional who can teach you coping skills and help you rebuild your life. You can start with the EAP program at your workplace if you have one; otherwise, you may want to talk to your PCP and see if s/he knows anyone who's good, and get a referral.

    Prayers and positive thoughts being sent in your direction. Take care. (((((HUGS)))))

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    My deepest sympathy....(((gentle hugs)))

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    • Author

    I feel like one of the biggest obstacles I face is confronting death...again. I do agree that grief counseling is probably the best option. This whole situation is way bigger than what tools I have to cope with it. I have noticed an interesting side-effect however. I am much more tolerant of people in general and have found news depths in my ability to comfort those who need comfort. In a word, far more compassionate than I was before. I understand now how truly precious every minute of every day is, and do my best to embrace it and those I love and care for. I am grateful for that lesson. Not so much in its delivery, but the lesson is a profound one.

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