Dealing With Aggressive Coworkers

Mystery5 · Dec 18, 2004

Well, I went to the meeting. I met my manager first, laid out the facts, then we met with Laura. I just don't understand the woman, she turned into a blubbering, groveling bowl of jelly! She praised me up and down as "the one nurse who had helped me" and started crying. Then my manager and I tried to give her tips how not to come across so aggressively. The whole thing was bizarre.

Laura has problems, definately. I can't figure out if she's being maniupulative or just has a Jekyl and Hyde personality. But, I have a feeling we'll get along better now and that she'll limit her pushy behaviour to other people...

Mystery5 · Dec 18, 2004

Well, I went to the meeting. I met my manager first, laid out the facts, then we met with Laura. I just don't understand the woman, she turned into a blubbering, groveling bowl of jelly! She praised me up and down as "the one nurse who had helped me" and started crying. Then my manager and I tried to give her tips how not to come across so aggressively. The whole thing was bizarre.

Laura has problems, definately. I can't figure out if she's being maniupulative or just has a Jekyl and Hyde personality. But, I have a feeling we'll get along better now and that she'll limit her pushy behaviour to other people...

LucieRN · Dec 22, 2004

I'm new to this forum, as of today. I would like imput on dealing with aggressive personalities.
We have a new per diem nurse where I work. She is also a brand new RN in her forties. She has a very aggressive personality. She hits me on the shoulder when she talks to me, makes announcements as to who will get the next admit, is bossy about whom I should give information to, makes patronizing comments to me, and generally is offensive, abrasive and obnoxious.
I'm quite taken aback by her behaviour and realize that I generally have a hard time with agrressive personalities. I dislike confrontation and generally like to put people at ease. I've had to point out some mistakes to this new gal, because she still has a lot to learn, being a new grad, and I try and do it very gently.
Now, I realize that I'm going to have to somehow establish my authority with this woman. I have a feeling that her behaviour will escalate since she is already so cocky. I'm hoping that she doesn't get an FTE. I spoke to one of the nursing supervisors whom I'm friends with, and she said that others have noticed this and this woman has actually been spoken to by our manager about this tendency to be too aggressive and that she isn't too open to the fact that she has a problem.
Should I confront her next time she tries to boss me around? Theoretically we are professionally equals, but in reality she is a newbie and I'm an established nurse. I was thinking of writing her a note, outlining the problem, since my manager suggested that when I had a problem with one of the CNA's and didn't want to talk face to face. It worked well. My other option would be to speak with her whenever the behaviour occurs. What do you guys think?

I MAY BE LATE IN RESPONDING BUT ANYWAY:

Hi Im Lucie . Im a Nursing Supervisor. My reccomendation is this: This girl will act adversly to confrontation by letter and one on one. I would come in early and speak to your nursing supervisor or your nurse manager and ask either one of them to be a "WITNESS" while you confront her .You have to have a professional witness so that you are not misquoted.. YOu can start out by being positive ( if possible) by saying the following type of thing: Were having this meeting because there are few things Id like to discuss with you. First off, Jane, (or whoever,) I have to admit that for a new grad you are very aggressive--many new grads lack confidence but your personality is strong.. In some rspects, this is very commendable; But then sometimes, some people may take that that type of approach the wrong way such as as being pushy and intrusive. Im here to discuss that with you as a colleague. Things are being said that you are a loud and pushy. There have been some remarks made by patients saying "who is that loud nurse?". Aside from it being bothersome, I wanted to let you know so that you aware of the way of that others perceive you are coming across."

Try not to sound accusatory because i get the feeling that she thrives on making a spectacle out of herself and issues. Coming across the above way will be non -threatening and effective. It will also give her time to think about her presentation as well as give your manager an example regarding how she handles herself. Whether she can be grateful and appreciative during this discussion not argumentative and obnoxious will be the test.Your manager will see it for his or herself.

Good Luck,

Lucie

Diahni · Dec 22, 2004

Sometimes people act this way because they count on you not standing up to them in front of others. You have to confront her and stop it every time it occurs.

Hi All,

I am just a first year nursing student, and had a problem with an agressive teacher who acts like a drill sargeant, getting right up in my face like some growling pit bull. To make a long story short, I filed a grievance about her to the school. The truth is agressive people are school yard bullies all grown up. They really do depend on other people's politeness to continue pulling rank and even intimidating people. Part of their problem is low self-esteem, and it's important to realize a cocky so and so is just masking her insecurity. Or, who knows, maybe she's just an agressive jerk. It really is a good thing to call them on it, even if her or she is your boss or teacher. In the case of a new nurse breezing in, all the more reason to make her realize her behavior is unacceptable to you. You'll be doing yourself (and your co-workers) a favor. It's sometimes hard, particularly if you'd rather be a considerate person. Sometimes it's important to be "nice until it's time to not be nice." That's hard to do sometimes, but well worth it.

Diahni

P.S. After the grievance, this person really got off my back.

marymary · Dec 22, 2004

I'm new to this forum, as of today. I would like imput on dealing with aggressive personalities.
We have a new per diem nurse where I work. She is also a brand new RN in her forties. She has a very aggressive personality. She hits me on the shoulder when she talks to me, makes announcements as to who will get the next admit, is bossy about whom I should give information to, makes patronizing comments to me, and generally is offensive, abrasive and obnoxious.
I'm quite taken aback by her behaviour and realize that I generally have a hard time with agrressive personalities. I dislike confrontation and generally like to put people at ease. I've had to point out some mistakes to this new gal, because she still has a lot to learn, being a new grad, and I try and do it very gently.
Now, I realize that I'm going to have to somehow establish my authority with this woman. I have a feeling that her behaviour will escalate since she is already so cocky. I'm hoping that she doesn't get an FTE. I spoke to one of the nursing supervisors whom I'm friends with, and she said that others have noticed this and this woman has actually been spoken to by our manager about this tendency to be too aggressive and that she isn't too open to the fact that she has a problem.
Should I confront her next time she tries to boss me around? Theoretically we are professionally equals, but in reality she is a newbie and I'm an established nurse. I was thinking of writing her a note, outlining the problem, since my manager suggested that when I had a problem with one of the CNA's and didn't want to talk face to face. It worked well. My other option would be to speak with her whenever the behaviour occurs. What do you guys think?

Hi

My suggestion to you is discuss it with your manager's supervisor and go from there. But you really need to address your issue of not talking directly with individuals. Each situation is different, there will be those circumstances that you can not do a face to face with a person. But I would discuss it with the manager's supervisor and follow her suggestion. Good luck.

Mommy2Katiebaby · Dec 22, 2004

This sounds like excellent advise. I've been thinking along a similar vein. I've been practising lines to say. I want to be prepared. I'm looking forward to improving my assertiveness skills. I'm going to do it!

Dealing with this sort of person is a lot like charting - you need to be very methodical and very specific. If she says something other than "Thank you" to you after you get her patient up to the potty, you say something straightforward like "The patient will ring when she's through. Be listening for it. And you're welcome." No confrontation, no valuable time wasted for you, message given loud and clear. You can also stop the hitting and touching by just saying "Stop that please, I don't like it." Same thing. If you let things go, they'll fester and you're going to end up dreading going to work. And don't get into a power struggle with her by arguing! If she wants to get nasty, walk away, you've got things to do and better places to be. Good luck!

MFlash · Dec 22, 2004

It sounds like you just have a different management style than she does. I prefer people that are less aggressive and will follow them before I will follow someone that has to make sure everyone knows they are in charge.

We have someone sort of like that at our facility. She is a CNA with years of experience and has just been hired less than a month ago. She has also been very quick to point out all the problems with lack of teamwork or a system, disorganization in our facility, how mgmt. is breaking labor laws in regards to breaks, etc. Although she doesn't mean to, she makes me feel as though she does better at being in charge than I do--and I've been a shift supervisor for years! I have a love-hate relationship with her take-charge attitude.

b9rn · Dec 22, 2004

I'm new to this forum, as of today. I would like imput on dealing with aggressive personalities.
We have a new per diem nurse where I work. She is also a brand new RN in her forties. She has a very aggressive personality. She hits me on the shoulder when she talks to me, makes announcements as to who will get the next admit, is bossy about whom I should give information to, makes patronizing comments to me, and generally is offensive, abrasive and obnoxious.
I'm quite taken aback by her behaviour and realize that I generally have a hard time with agrressive personalities. I dislike confrontation and generally like to put people at ease. I've had to point out some mistakes to this new gal, because she still has a lot to learn, being a new grad, and I try and do it very gently.
Now, I realize that I'm going to have to somehow establish my authority with this woman. I have a feeling that her behaviour will escalate since she is already so cocky. I'm hoping that she doesn't get an FTE. I spoke to one of the nursing supervisors whom I'm friends with, and she said that others have noticed this and this woman has actually been spoken to by our manager about this tendency to be too aggressive and that she isn't too open to the fact that she has a problem.
Should I confront her next time she tries to boss me around? Theoretically we are professionally equals, but in reality she is a newbie and I'm an established nurse. I was thinking of writing her a note, outlining the problem, since my manager suggested that when I had a problem with one of the CNA's and didn't want to talk face to face. It worked well. My other option would be to speak with her whenever the behaviour occurs. What do you guys think?

I am a Nurse Instructor and teach young nursing students to work with Sex Offenders. I will give you some of the pointers I pass on to my students.

First of all, aggression is about intimidation and control. Aggressive personalities generally have a chaotic internal world and so will set out to control the environment around them and the people in it. Every time you react in a non assertive manner, you "pay off" the aggressive behavior and let the person know they have control.

The best way to deal with this person is to take them aside and address this in an assertive manner. Remember that assertive means that both parties get their needs met. Its basic componets are openess and honesty. You have the right to defend yourself, be treated with respect and state your opinions. But you must do in a way that does not disregard her rights and opinions. Taking her aside privately, helps her to save face. Anytime you confront someone in front of others it is a losing battle, because they will argue to "save face".

Some of the techniques I teach the students to use are:

1. Don't argue or debate. Don't get hooked into defending yourself. Use the question technique - when someone makes a rude condescending or otherwise inappropriate remark, try to turn it around to them by asking a question. Such as "why do you think that?" or "What am I doing that makes you say that" This puts the resonse back on the individual and you are not defending yourself. That leads no where!

2. Just say "your right" and drop the subject. Move on.

3. Set very clear limits on what you will or will not tolerate. Describe the behavior that is unacceptable and the behavior that is. Be prepared to reinforce that.

4. explain your position but do not aplologize for it.

5. And last but not least, the old "therapuetic shrug" Just shrug your shoulders and walk away. Sometimes just ignoring the behavior makes it stop. If they don't get the reaction they are looking for, they don't get the reward. The only problem with this is that they will keep looking for another avenue to "hook you", and the behavior will escalate before its finally stops.

My best advice is to address it head on in an assertive manner and do your absolute best to not get hooked by this persons behavior. Her behavior is about her and not you so don't take on any responsiblility for it!!

Good Luck!

Mystery5 · Dec 22, 2004

As I said, I've already had the meeting with my manager and Laura. My manager is very supportive and is trying to work with Laura to improve the way she comes across. In the meeting Laura dissolved into tears, tried to turn herself into a victim, and was overly fawning and ingratiating towards me. It was very surprising and bizarre.

My manager told me in an email that she felt that Laura was mostly concerned about her own feelings, and doesn't have a very accurate self-perception of her behaviour. On the monday night I was supposed to work with her, she was low-censused. My manager also was aware of the fact that Laura basically showed my letter to everyone she could, declaring that she was a poor victim and 'didn't know what she had done'.

It all sounds like an ingrained pattern for this gal, and must have given her the "payoff' throughout her life, as one poster termed it. My prediction is that she'll go overboard on the syrupy ingratiating behaviour now, and annoy me even more. But the good thing is that management is on to her and wants followup about how she responds to this feedback.:)

marymary · Dec 22, 2004

I MAY BE LATE IN RESPONDING BUT ANYWAY:
Hi Im Lucie . Im a Nursing Supervisor. My reccomendation is this: This girl will act adversly to confrontation by letter and one on one. I would come in early and speak to your nursing supervisor or your nurse manager and ask either one of them to be a "WITNESS" while you confront her .You have to have a professional witness so that you are not misquoted.. YOu can start out by being positive ( if possible) by saying the following type of thing: Were having this meeting because there are few things Id like to discuss with you. First off, Jane, (or whoever,) I have to admit that for a new grad you are very aggressive--many new grads lack confidence but your personality is strong.. In some rspects, this is very commendable; But then sometimes, some people may take that that type of approach the wrong way such as as being pushy and intrusive. Im here to discuss that with you as a colleague. Things are being said that you are a loud and pushy. There have been some remarks made by patients saying "who is that loud nurse?". Aside from it being bothersome, I wanted to let you know so that you aware of the way of that others perceive you are coming across."
Try not to sound accusatory because i get the feeling that she thrives on making a spectacle out of herself and issues. Coming across the above way will be non -threatening and effective. It will also give her time to think about her presentation as well as give your manager an example regarding how she handles herself. Whether she can be grateful and appreciative during this discussion not argumentative and obnoxious will be the test.Your manager will see it for his or herself.
Good Luck,
Lucie

Hi

We can all learn something from this forum. There are different ways to handle personalitys and there is a reason behind all behavior. Why not find the reason for it before going in for the attack?

lvn_to_rn · Dec 23, 2004

You know, I am dealing with the exact same thing but I work with a medical assistant who bullies everyone around and actually acts like she is the doctor. It drives me crazy and I try and only act when it is a big deal. Otherwise I just tolerate her.

I'm new to this forum, as of today. I would like imput on dealing with aggressive personalities.
We have a new per diem nurse where I work. She is also a brand new RN in her forties. She has a very aggressive personality. She hits me on the shoulder when she talks to me, makes announcements as to who will get the next admit, is bossy about whom I should give information to, makes patronizing comments to me, and generally is offensive, abrasive and obnoxious.
I'm quite taken aback by her behaviour and realize that I generally have a hard time with agrressive personalities. I dislike confrontation and generally like to put people at ease. I've had to point out some mistakes to this new gal, because she still has a lot to learn, being a new grad, and I try and do it very gently.
Now, I realize that I'm going to have to somehow establish my authority with this woman. I have a feeling that her behaviour will escalate since she is already so cocky. I'm hoping that she doesn't get an FTE. I spoke to one of the nursing supervisors whom I'm friends with, and she said that others have noticed this and this woman has actually been spoken to by our manager about this tendency to be too aggressive and that she isn't too open to the fact that she has a problem.
Should I confront her next time she tries to boss me around? Theoretically we are professionally equals, but in reality she is a newbie and I'm an established nurse. I was thinking of writing her a note, outlining the problem, since my manager suggested that when I had a problem with one of the CNA's and didn't want to talk face to face. It worked well. My other option would be to speak with her whenever the behaviour occurs. What do you guys think?

mattsmom81 · Dec 23, 2004

When I reread the OP's story, I get the impression this woman's behavior is a pattern that has been allowed to continue for a long time at this facility. So...the facility itself is a 'problem'.

It is always a bit risky to challenge the status quo when it has gone on awhile and I hope the 'time is right' and the OP has the support needed to effect Laura's behavior. I hope there's a happy ending to this story and Laura behaves herself...but I have a feeling her behavior is engrained, it hasn't been dealt with for what...15 yrs? at this place.....and effective repeated documentation will be needed for your supervisors to deal with her.

Only the OP knows if this is worth it to her or not and I wish her well. Let us know how this pans out.