Damage control? Or just more damage?

[chartlooe]

SO my husband just started nursing school today - his first day of class! I am more proud of him than I can say. Of course, we are talking about how to stay strong in our marriage, when he will be away from home at least six days a week and probably working the other one.

One of the challenges is to be apart from each other, and for me especially, to have no-one to snuggle, go on dates with, or just spend time with. I work in a hospital as a CNA, and am very happy with my job. I only work three days a week and since we live simply that pays the bills - leaving me with a lot of free time and now no-one to share it with. I have friends and family, of course, but the thought of not having a lover or, more accurately, romantic partner -for all that time - and it will get only more intense as the program continues - is depressing and frightening. It's not sex per se, it's just that particular romance you can only have with a intimate partner that I would miss.

My husband and I have discussed finding a friend/lover for me during that time, since he is worried he will neglect me - not by intention but by virtue of the circumstances and feel guilty - and I am worried about being abandoned, with nobody to touch or simply be romantic with. We are both very OK with the general concept, but I am looking for people's wisdom. Neither of us want to make a hasty decision with destructive consequences.

I know three other married students for whom this or a similar arrangement is working so incredibly well, it's amazing- so I am curious. Everyone has support, and affection, and time - nobody is guilty, or lonely, or feels neglected. The men/wives feel like they're off the hook and be free to study or work without neglecting their spouse, and the spouse has an intimate partner and so is not feeling neglected or alone, and everyone shares expenses and tasks. The atmosphere of calm and practicality is so different from the tension and exhaustion that most students seem to be fighting with.

Has anyone tried this? If there were affairs or other partners, was it an efficient way to blow off steam? Did buckling down help keep you together or just crush you under the weight of those million little neglects?

EDIT: My husband and I have been married for seven years now, and dated for five years before that. We are great friends and he is a wonderful husband, better every year as we go through more and more years together.

[RNsRWe, ASN, RN]

I suppose you'll have to forgive my skeptism, but I am having a hard time believing that you are who and what you say you are; the tone and style of your writing suggests to me.....something else.

I'm choosing not going into details, but if you're hoping to stir up a hornet's nest of emotional responses from members of the board, you will probably succeed. And that's unfortunate. However, if I am completely mistaken and you are truly honest in your representation of yourself and your approach to this board, please understand you might get some answers you would not appreciate, including the skeptical ones like myself.

Best of luck to you.

[chartlooe]

congrats on your baby, BTW!

[NurseCard, ADN]

You just have to be really careful if you decide to go with something like this. I have known many people who have discussed the possibility of an "open" relationship with their partners; and very very few who were actually able to emotionally handle the whole thing if it did ever get started.

With your friends who are doing this... it may *look* like it's all working out swimmingly, but do you really truly know how the nursing student is feeling about what is going on?

If yourself and your husband do decide to try this arrangement, well... good luck to ya. I hope it works out well for you. I mean, sometimes arrangements like these really are successful. But, be careful to look for cues that your husband isn't handling it quite as well as he said he would, make him tell you how he's feeling about it, and then of course, decide if it's worth risking your marriage to keep up what you are doing.

And of course, ALWAYS remember that nursing school doesn't last forever, though it can seem like it sometimes. :)

[chartlooe]

No wish for conflict, I'm legit, though I appreciate your careful regard. I'm here for people's wisdom, and if I hear a lot of people say, "Bad idea and here's why" I am definitely going to consider that. I would never have thought of such a thing until I met these people myself. Thanks for your response, I appreciate it. I welcome "red flags" - I am here because I might be blind to the ones in front of me.

[julia1]

More damage without a doubt ! My husband and I have gone through He%^ ( I don't need to tell you the details-just know that I could write a book). We have stuck through everything together! This might be a old fashioned idea but going through the worst and finding yourselves still together is what marriage is all about. We have been married for 17 years and during that time I have gone through two nursing programs ( LPN then RN) with my husband cheering me on the whole way ( no other person did) Hang in there! Just say this too will pass and it will ! Stay together and stay stong against the turning tide. Romance is in the embers of time no matter what you go through !

[chartlooe]

He's doing RN BSN program at the local state university, and his class schedule is crazy. One thing I don't know is often he's be out of class early, which I hadn't thought about until now. Also, if he would be able to come home, have a good meal, and just be in the house, it probably won't be as bad as I'm worrried about. We've just always gone to college and worked together, so this seems like a huge deal - when it really isn't that long, is it?

[julia1]

Like I said hang on ! Love can go through anything!

[chartlooe]

Every single one of those things is a very good point. I'm not in the market, as it were... so a lot of the things that didn't matter when my husband and I were younger are more of a concern now. When I met him in high school, we had no need to worry about those things. I haven't dated in, well, I guess it's about twelve years, so I forget. Bit more complicated now, isn't it?

[chartlooe]

Great points. I would waaay rather have to scramble to fix a marriage between two people who got a bit disoriented than three people that got way too oriented.

I love him so much..I will just set this concept down if it's what's best for the two of us in the long run.

So much great advice here - I am grateful to you all.

[LoveMyBugs, BSN, CNA, RN]

I think that it is a bad idea, like another poster said, why dont you work extra shifts so that your husband wont half to work. Be supportive by picking up on the housework and cooking for him giving him time to study and creating a stress free home. Schools usually operate in semester or quaters with break in between, take advantage of those times and be with him. Personally, and I am sorry if this sounds rude, but you are sounding very selfish and unsuportive of your husband. He is only one day into school and you are worried about your needs being met, what about his needs to have a loving supportive devoted wife? If you are consdering breaking your marriage vows as soon as something stressful presents iteslf, then mabey you shouldnt be married.

[chartlooe]

It's so great to hear a sucess story with a strong marriage at the end of it. These days, with so many people getting divorced, its tempting to consider something different, in case it was the missing piece that would have kept someone with their husband/wife. What a joyful, positive response! Thank you!

[chartlooe]

I think working extra shifts for him is a great idea. I just hope he'll let me. He really wants to try to carve this out for himself, but I think once things get tougher he'll be willing to let me help more. I completely agree with you about making sure my home runs smoothly so his part of it runs smoothly too.

You don't sound rude at all- just invested in marriage. I appreciate your position.