Comment and correction my essay please!!!

[droh09]

Hello, dear nursing students,

I am applying for the Kaiser Loan Forgiveness program for So Cal. I would really really appreciate if you give me a feedback on my essay and also correct all the grammar mistakes. I need this be done by Tuesday night, so I don't really have time and I don't have anybody to proof read. English is my second language so I need some correction. I am so desparate that I decided to post it here. Thanks a million!!!

So here are the questions from Kaiser that I am answering in my essay.

1) Why have you chosen a career in nursing?

2) Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?

3) Why are you interested in working for Kaiser? How will a position with Kaiser help you to achieve your career/life goals?

Personal Statement

I have a BS degree in food engineering and a MS degree in biology. I started my career in research working in different biology labs from neurobiology to plant genomics. However, working in the lab wasn't as exciting as I thought, because I was with cells and DNA all day. In my personal life during that time, I was not able to get pregnant for no apparent reason after marriage. That was when I encountered people who were called 'nurses'. They were amazingly supportive of me, and encouraged me to go through all the tests and the In vitro fertilization (IVF). I still remember their smiles and their support. It really touched my heart. That experience truly made me consider nursing a potential profession for me. I though it was a good fit for me because I was a team player and enjoyed interacting with people. I especially liked nursing because I felt more connected and supported in a team of 'women'.

The other reason I want to be a nurse is because I see so many opportunities in nursing. Unlike other profession, you can try working at different departments within a hospital. It is not uncommon to find nurses who started in med-surge and moved to OB, ER or ICU. There are many different types of nursing outside the hospital, too. You can work at a clinic, or even become a travel nurse. If you put more time and effort in advanced level study, more doors will open for you. You can teach at school, become a clinical instructor or a nurse practitioner. I believe that my science background and experience in research established a critical thinking ability in me, which is a critical qualification for a BSN nurse. All the clinical instructors that I worked with highly evaluated me as a critical thinker in practice.

The last but not the least, perhaps the most important reason I want to become a nurse is that I care for people who are weak and sick. Every time I go to the hospital for my clinicals, I am so amazed by the fact that the whole hospital is filled with people who have health problems. They might be suffering from chronic disease, might have had a disastrous accident, might be going for surgery or fighting for their lives in ICU. Where in the world can I meet all these people in my life? I cherish every moment that I share with my patients and appreciate them for allowing me to be part of their lives. I want to be their hands and feet when theirs don't work that well. I want to hold their hands when they feel pain. I want to pray for them every night before I go to bed. I want to make a difference in a patient's life as other nurses did to me.

In 5 or 10 years from now, I would be working as a nurse and pursing a master's degree or might be already finished school and practicing as a nurse practitioner. I am interested in geriatric nursing, because elderly population is increasing and more focus should be given to education and prevention of the disease along with maintenance of it. I am also interested in working at an infertility department as a nurse practitioner because I was so impressed with nurse practitioners that I met when I was getting the treatment. Both elderly patients and patients with infertility are under a lot of stress due to the uncertainty of the illness. Providing accurate and thorough information will reduce the amount of stress and will lead to positive outcomes. I believe that the role of nurse as a supporter and a source of information are very important in providing patient care.

I would love to work at Kaiser because Kaiser values their nurses and try to provide an environment where nurses can work as a team and feel supported by the colleagues and also by the organization. I liked the 'turning team' at the med-surg floor when I was at Kaiser as a student because many nurses suffer from back injuries after years of turning and lifting the patients by themselves. I am also excited that Kaiser provides various continuing education opportunities to their nurses and supports them financially as well. I also benefited from Kaiser scholarship while I was in nursing school, and I know that there will be more opportunities for me when I continue my education to master's degree. I would be honored to be a member of the Kaiser health care system in providing a quality care to the patients and communities.

[itsmejuli]

I think your essay is fine, just run it through MS Word to spell check.

[Mommaof3]

i am putting my advice in red...feel free to disregard anything i have to say!

i have a bs (i would spell out bachelors) degree in food engineering and a ms (as well as masters) degree in biology. i started my career in research working in different biology labs ranging from neurobiology to plant genomics. however, working in the lab wasn’t as exciting as i thought it would be, because i was with cells and dna all day. in my personal life during that time, i was not able to get pregnant for no apparent reason after (i was married) marriage. that was when i encountered people who were called ‘nurses’. they were amazingly supportive of me, and encouraged me to go through all the tests and the in vitro fertilization (ivf). i still remember their smiles and their support. it really touched my heart. that experience truly made me consider nursing a potential profession for me. i though it would be a great fit for me because i am a team player and enjoyed (enjoy) interacting with people. i especially liked (like) nursing because i felt (feel) more connected and supported in a team of ‘women’.

the other reason i want to be a nurse is because i see so many opportunities in nursing. unlike other professions, you can try working at different departments within a hospital or facility. it is not uncommon to find nurses who started in med-surge (med-surg) and moved to ob, er or icu. there are many different types of nursing outside the hospital (no comma here)too. you can work at a clinic (no comma here either) or even become a travel nurse. if you put more time and effort in advanced levels of study, more doors will open for you. you can teach at a school, become a clinical instructor or a nurse practitioner. i believe that my science background and experience in research established a critical thinking ability in me, which is a critical qualification for a bsn nurse. all the clinical instructors that i worked with highly evaluated me as a critical thinker in practice. (i have been highly evaluated for my critical thinking abilities by all the clinical instructors that i have worked with.)

the last but not the(no the) least, perhaps the most important reason i want to become a nurse is that i care for people who are weak and sick. every time i go to the hospital for my clinicals, i am so amazed by the fact that the whole hospital is filled with people who have health problems. they might be suffering from chronic disease, might have had a disastrous accident, might be going for surgery or fighting for their lives in icu. where in the world can i meet all these people in one place? i cherish every moment that i share with my patients and appreciate them for allowing me to be part of their lives. i want to be their hands and feet when their own don’t work that well. i want to hold their hands when they feel pain. i want to pray for them every night before i go to bed. i want to make a difference in a patient’s life as other nurses did for me.

in 5 or 10 years from now (no need for the from now), i would be working as a nurse and pursing a master’s degree or might be already finished school and practicing as a nurse practitioner. i am interested in geriatric nursing, because the elderly population is increasing and more focus should be given to education and prevention of the disease along with maintenance of it. i am also interested in working at an infertility department as a nurse practitioner because i was so impressed with nurse practitioners that i met when i was getting the treatment. both elderly patients and patients with infertility are under a lot of stress due to the uncertainty of the illness. providing accurate and thorough information will reduce the amount of stress and will lead to positive outcomes. i believe that the role of nurse as a supporter and a source of information are very important in providing patient care.

i would love to work at kaiser because kaiser values their nurses and try (tries) to provide an environment where nurses can work as a team and feel supported by their colleagues and also by the organization. i liked the ‘turning team’ at the med-surg floor when i was at kaiser as a student because many nurses suffer from back injuries after years of turning and lifting the patients by themselves. i am also excited that kaiser provides various continuing education opportunities to their nurses and supports them financially as well. i also benefited from a kaiser scholarship while i was in nursing school, and i know that there will be more opportunities for me when i continue my education to master’s degree. i would be honored to be a member of the kaiser health care system in providing a quality care to the patients and communities.

[gumby1411]

i agree with mommaof3, but added a few more...my comments are in purple.

i am putting my advice in red...feel free to disregard anything i have to say!

i have a bs (i would spell out bachelors) degree in food engineering and a ms (as well as masters) degree in biology. i started my career in research working in different biology labs ranging from neurobiology to plant genomics, however, working in the lab wasn’t as exciting as i thought it would be, because i was with cells and dna all day (rephrase this, what does "with cells and dna all day" mean?). in my personal life during that time, i was not able to get pregnant for no apparent reason (leave this part out - not their business why you couldn't get preggo) after (i was married) marriage. that was when i encountered people who were called ‘nurses’. they were amazingly supportive of me, and encouraged me to go through all the tests and the in vitro fertilization (ivf). i still remember their smiles and (leave out "their") support. it really touched my heart. that experience truly made me consider nursing as a potential profession for me. i thought

the other reason i want to be a nurse is because i see so many opportunities in nursing. unlike other professions, you can try working at different departments within a hospital or facility. it is not uncommon to find nurses who started in med-surge (med-surg) and moved to ob, er or icu. there are many different types of nursing outside the hospital (no comma here)too. you can work at a clinic (no comma here either) or even become a travel nurse. if you put more time and effort in advanced levels of study, more doors will open for you. you can teach at a school, become a clinical instructor or a nurse practitioner. i believe that my science background and experience in research (grew my ability to think critically), which is a (necessary) qualification for a bsn nurse. all the clinical instructors that i worked with highly evaluated me as a critical thinker in practice. (i have been highly evaluated for my critical thinking abilities by all the clinical instructors that i have worked with.)

perhaps the most important reason i want to become a nurse is the opportunity to care for people who are weak and sick. every time i go to the hospital for my clinicals, i am so amazed by the fact that the whole hospital is filled with people who have health problems. they might be suffering from chronic disease, might have had a disastrous accident, might be going for surgery or fighting for their lives in icu. where in the world can i meet all these people in one place? i cherish every moment that i share with my patients and appreciate them for allowing me to be a part of their lives. i want to be their hands and feet when their own don’t work that well. i want to hold their hands when they feel pain. i want to pray for them every night before i go to bed. i want to make a difference in a patient’s life as other nurses did for me.

in 5 or 10 years from now (no need for the from now), i will be working as a nurse and pursuing

i would love to work at kaiser because this hospital values their nurses and provides (

couple comments:

- is there a word limit for the essay?? this seems to be pretty long for an essay. i've written several for school applications and they had word limits ranging from 250-500 words. you're at about 900 words. you could streamline your paragrahs, cutting out unnecessary adjectives and "filler" words if you need to. sometimes a streamlined essay reads better than if there is a lot of fluff in the essay.

-you start a lot of your sentences with "i". it gets to be redunant and doesn't sound like you can word your sentences any other way. i would reword a good half of these sentences. even though the essay is about you, it should take on a more professional sentence structure and not be so "first person.:

take my comments or leave them. hopefully this has helped a little, though. good luck and feel free to post again if you need more help.

[droh09]

Thanks a lot for all the proof reading and comments!!!!!! I truly appreciate your time and concern. It really hepled me!!!!

[gumby1411]

No problem...I'm sure I'm a big dork, but I actually enjoy proof reading.

[Mommaof3]

No problem, wish you the best of luck in your endeavor!!