Funny things your patients have said

Nursing Students CNA/MA

Published

Okay, I'm sure we've all heard some really funny stuff from our patients/residents/clients during our shifts, so let's share!

I was working overnight in home health and kept hearing the wife (with severe dementia) waking up her husband to ask him strange questions. My favorite was "BOB, when are you going to wake up and drive that girl home?" (meaning me, waiting in the next room; I have a car and license, my clients did not, thank goodness!). He said "Huh?" and she insisted "She can't take the school bus, it's night time!". He answered "She'll drive herself home later, honey" and she indignantly said "Like FUN she will!" then finally rolled over and went to sleep. :D

Another resident with Alzheimer's who is starting to lose his appropriate vocabulary will occasionally swear and then be genuinely baffled and apologetic when people that overhear him are shocked. I usually just try to gently tell him that's not a polite word, and suggest an alternative. But I had to stifle my laughter when, after answering his question about what me and my weekend client did (played cards, etc.) the day before, he asked "Does she like to ****?". :eek::lol2: It was so out of the blue!

Anyone ever cracked you up or shocked you so much you had to run out of the room?

At my facility, many of the more independent residents have some type of built in "radar" that knows exactly when EMS has been called for another resident (although the running and shouting of the staff may also be a good indicator). They peek their heads out of the rooms, and some gather in the halls to gawk at the paramedics and nursing staff and whoever is coding. It's like some sick form of entertainment for them (but I KNOW I will be doing the exact same thing when I get that old).

Recently, one of my residents coded and two ladies were sitting in their wheelchairs at a distance watching the paramedics roll her out on a stretcher and they were gossiping about the whole thing. One of them, a retired nurse, leaned over to the other and said, "...and another of them bites the dust."

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Specializes in Peds OR as RN, Peds ENT as NP.

(Call light rings)

Me: Hey Ms. ----, what's wrong?

Patient: Honey I'm hurtin..

Me: Where you hurtin Ms. ----?

Patient: All up in my birth hole!

I also once had a dementia patient who apparently thought we were still in slavery times or something. (Please bear in mind that I am black). I'm in her room she grabs my hand and says " Don't let them work you too hard. You go in the kitchen and get you somethin' to eat! Tell them I said you can go in the refrigerator! You don't let them call you the "N" word either (but this lady really said it)!!!" She later said that she was raised to never say that word and to be colorblind. But it was so funny because she said the word like four times! But of course she meant no harm she just wanted to explain to me that she didn't have a racist bone in her body. :)

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Specializes in 6 yrs LTC, 1 yr MedSurg, Wound Care.

I was trying to make small talk with a new resident. He had Alzheimers, was very weird, and was going along with the conversation telling me about his hobbies.

Him: I may need your help with something.

Me: Ok, what do you need help with?

Him: When I was admitted here, my laptop was supposed to be put in my closet but it isn't there now. I need help finding it because I'm in the middle of writing a book.

Me: Oh! What kind of books do you write?

Him: Murder mystery, some historical, but mostly SELF-HELP.

If only you had met this man...

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Specializes in geriatrics, dementia, ortho.
:lol2: Those are so awesome! I love the one about "not recognizing you with your clothes on"; I get some of that from my residents if they ever see me in my street clothes instead of my uniform; they look baffled, then go "What are you doing here?". ;)
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Oh, I have sooooo many. But here is one I'll never forget:

We had a resident w/ severe dementia who would barely say two words to anyone. He would sing the same song over & over again, but would rarely talk. Well one day he was sitting in the hall, and one of the residents walked by. He looked at her while she was walking by, and said "Now that's a big ass!" lol.

HAHAHAHAH!!!!

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Specializes in Hospice, LTC.

one of my patients asked me "are you going out on a date tonight?" and I told her no, I already have a boyfriend, and we just stay at home. she said "good! because when you go out on dates, you get raped, and you get diseases!"

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One of my favorite residents is in his 90's and very underweight so I had been encouraging him to eat at dinner. After ward I had taken him to do evening care and I was putting moisterizer on his back when he asked me, "what are we doing now?" So I said, "first we fatten you up, now I'll grease you up and cook you," and he replied "all you'll get is gristel."

He is the cutest guy ever.

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One of my residents, 95 years young, I call her glamor girl, she always has her sun glasses on the top of her hair and dresses all fancy; she asks me every morning as I am giving her her water for breakfast, "is there vodka in that?" I always say YES, and she says "OH good!!"

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I had a resident tell me stop throwing her around like a sack of potatoes & then there was one woman who started patting me on the chest & when I asked what she was doing she said "Playing patty cakes!" & the same woman also asked me "Have you ever had a good F******?"... it was bad enough she asked that question.. even worse that her son was standing in the doorway...

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Specializes in Oncology.

heard a resident hollering and went to check and found her up in bed, ready to get into her wheelchair. it was 11pm, and i had already put her in bed. when i asked her what she was doing, she said "well i was just going to the beauty shop to get my hair done."

we have a lady that is a retired CNA who swears up and down that her roommate has a high fever and needs fluids.

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I work in a Assisted living facility. I have a patient who is about 92 f, and a retired mash nurse. One day I covered for a co-worker. Just so happenes it was this pt's shower day. I went in gave her a shower, and continued with the rest of my duties. Come lunch time she told everyone that she had just gotten married, and when they asked who was the lucky man....... She pointed at me. I've been there 3 months, and only work the weekends. But she still tells everyone we are married. In fact last sunday night she said tell my husband I'm ready for him. When I never came to say good night she came strolling up to the nurse's desk naked. She told the nurse she knew it would get my attention.

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At the LTC I used to work at, I was wheeling one of our more....colorful residents out to the breakfast table. She saw her friend already sitting there and said "HEYYYYYY Mary! Good morning! Did they clean your p**** good today, because they sure did mine!"

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