Caregiver killing caregiver

Nurses General Nursing

Published

I'm posting this thread without knowing whether it has been posted already or not, in some other version or by some other title, but here goes anyway. (And at the outset, if the Moderators feel it's inappropriate I respect that and will abide by the standards set forth.)

It has been my observation, and yours too, that within our profession, on the job, we as Nurses (professionals), continue to participate in personal attacks against one another that is not only unprofessional but unbecoming to the reasons we became Nurses in the first place. Why do we insist on this mean-spirited, caustic behavior at all?

Are we just immature? Are we so insecure with who we are and what we do that we have to participate in this pointless war mongering? Are we obsessed with the need to be "right" all of the time? Have we forgotten WHO we are and what we do? Is it just a "woman" thing??

We all work in a highly stress-filled environment regardless of the specialty. I've tried to reason it through and make sense of it all by telling myself: "Well, it boils down to venting 'sideways' so to speak." Because of the stressors we feel in just doing the job at hand, we function in high gear for long periods of time keeping volatile emotions at bay and under control and inevitably those emotions have to go "somewhere" - so they come spilling out like lethal verbal bullets! That's the only explanation that makes any sense.

We need to stop it. I doubt it is going to "stop" - but maybe we can become more aware, more sensitized to our unprofessional, immature behavior and see our peers and colleagues as the valued human beings they are. In all of my 34 years in nursing I have never verbally insulted, attacked, or intentionally dehumanized another Nurse - especially in front of others.

I'm also convinced that there is an element of "competition" involved in our profession, sadly to say. And that's not "good" or "bad", until we use it as a weapon to get our own way.

So what are some of the things we can do to stop killing each other in the trenches:

1. Think before we act.

2. Take that "time out" when we know we need it.

3. Ask to speak to a peer or colleage in private, if it's that upsetting.

4. Take our own inventory first - and ask ourselves, "do I need some time off?, do I need to change jobs?, do I need to get out of this field altogether?"

5. Consult with others we trust if there truly is an issue with another colleague.

6. Re-evaluate my own priorities.

7. Remember where I am (on the job), why I'm there, and re-direct powerful negative emotions that threaten to undermine my care giving.

8. Practice giving praise to peers, lifting them up, look for the good in them.

9. Remember there are only three kinds of "business" in life: (a) God's business, (b) MY business, and © none of my business - and practice staying in the category that applies to me.

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Trauma, Ortho, Neuro, Cardiac.

Good advice.

Fortunately, I don't work in a mean spirited environment, so I can't say nursing is a mean spiritied field. However, there was a fight between two nurses, when one pyscho nurse got mad at the charge nurse. Maybe I should print this out and give it to the inappropriate one. But I can't judge the unit nor nursing on this one incident.

Before I got into nursing a secretary in the insurance company I work for got so mad at another secretary for talking about her, she slapped her. That's drama.

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This sort of relates to something that happened to me recently. This wasn't a case of being ripped by someone, but I thought this was rather curious. I went out on a "girl's night out" with some colleagues from another office in my company. (I work in clinical research.) One of the women at the table commented that I will be applying to nursing school this fall and complemented me by saying the "good ones always leave".

Another woman - whom I don't really know and I can't even remember her name, to tell you the truth - looked at me as though she'd just been told I'm a serial killer. "WHAT on EARTH do you want to do something like THAT for?" Her tone was very caustic and she spoke to me in a very disdainful way.

Turns out she's an RN who left nursing to become a clinical monitor. She spent the next twenty minutes grilling me on my reasons and motiviations, and continued telling me how horrific the job is and how hard the work is and how she doesn't think I'll be able to handle it. (Remember, I've never met this woman before.) I'm no baby - I'm 32 - and I'm bright enough to know that it WILL be hard work and it WILL be long hours - but I WANT to do this. She asked me what type of nursing I want to do, and I told her I'm very interested in working in a PICU. OH, she went on and on about how tough that would be and how I must be a glutton for punishment. Blah blah blah - this woman was really getting on my nerves. I asked her what kind of nursing she did - she did one year on a floor followed by four years in a Dr.'s office - seventeen years ago. But still she went on.

I just sat there and looked at her. I couldn't help myself - I asked her why would she spend all this time telling me, someone she doesn't know, all of this? She had no answer - but at least she left me alone after that.

All the "civilians" I meet act impressed and tell me how wonderful they think my goals are. What is with the nurses I meet (and please know that I know they're not all like this - I've met many who are very encouraging)?

To go back to the topic at hand - I've thought to myself that degrading your own profession to aspiring nurses is NOT how you come across as professionals. To the Average Joe, it makes nurses sound like a bunch of b*tchy women - not serious members of the medical team. I mean, WHY would anyone want to join a group like that? (And PLEASE realize that is a general YOU, and not a specific YOU.) If there is a shortage, that's probably one reason why - who wants to work with a load of henpeckers and shrews?

Again, I'm not saying EVERYONE is that way - but why do I meet so many, and see others here on this board? It's really starting to scare me!

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To go back to the topic at hand - I've thought to myself that degrading your own profession to aspiring nurses is NOT how you come across as professionals. To the Average Joe, it makes nurses sound like a bunch of b*tchy women - not serious members of the medical team. I mean, WHY would anyone want to join a group like that? (And PLEASE realize that is a general YOU, and not a specific YOU.) If there is a shortage, that's probably one reason why - who wants to work with a load of henpeckers and shrews?

Again, I'm not saying EVERYONE is that way - but why do I meet so many, and see others here on this board? It's really starting to scare me!

I have always said this about the "caregiver killers" - "What you see on the job (their attitudes, their personalities) - is exactly who and what they are, outside of the job." You cannot change someone's personality for sure - but we DO need to address that kind of negative, destructive and hurtful behavior in our work settings. It is abusive, counter-productive, and in my estimation - self-serving and immature. Frankly, I think it's a topic that deserves a 1 hour course in the Sr. Year of Nursing School, and I'd like to TEACH it, LOL.

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we have this particularly nasty nurse who like to belittle different people and to point out a deficiency in another nurse..writing little notes to don pointing it out to other nurses..

she does not really work with this other nurse but she has her claws out for her

she did this with previous nurses..some deserved it and some didn't...but she is the self-appointed quality control

she is not really fond of me but i work in different department and she really doesn't have that much access to what i do or don't do

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Specializes in Community Health Nurse.

It is a shame that adults can't come together for the betterment of one another and the people they vowed to serve in a professional manner. Living is hard enough work without having to add more negative drama to the temporary sentence we all serve on earth. :uhoh3:

I have encountered "caregiver killing caregiver" negativity throughout my years in nursing which is only one reason I became so stressed out on the job. It's no fun to constantly be fighting against one another when we employ into an environment that calls for us to work with one another...not against one another.

People do not become bullys, mean-spirited, evil, and negative ON the job, but they carry those negative characteristics inside of them everywhere they go.

People have to want to change in order for change to occur. :)

One other thing I found to be a source of negative energy on the job were female doctors who were interns who hate being thought of as "a nurse" (God forbid that happen). :uhoh3: They get very snooty about "the mix up" and want to run and report the nurses who mistake them for "nurses". :rolleyes: THAT's an immature drama that we as nurses do NOT need in our work environment...ATTITUDE from female interns. Some are like this...not all mind you.

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Specializes in ER.
we have this particularly nasty nurse who like to belittle different people and to point out a deficiency in another nurse..writing little notes to don pointing it out to other nurses..

she does not really work with this other nurse but she has her claws out for her

she did this with previous nurses..some deserved it and some didn't...but she is the self-appointed quality control

she is not really fond of me but i work in different department and she really doesn't have that much access to what i do or don't do

In my experience, the nurses who act this way are either nurses who have been there forever and feel like they are the best, and are terrified someone will take that "position" on the unit/floor/department, the nurses who have a "lesser degree" such as LPN or ADN rather than BSN and have an inferiority complex about it (the absolute nastiest nurse in our ER is an LPN, but acts like she is God almighty, right up there with the docs, berating admitting for every little thing, dressing new employees up and down if they ask a question, etc.), or the lazy nurses who are afraid of being shown up by nurses who work hard and do a good job. The only time I let this bother me is when there is a manager who agrees with them on the basis that they are friends, and this troublemaker would NEVER be unfair. In the case that the nurse manager is the same as a troublemaker, I wouldn't want to be working on that floor/unit/department anyways.

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Specializes in Telemetry, ICU, Resource Pool, Dialysis.

That's why I generally try to go to work, take care of MY patients, get MY work done (while being aware of what is going on around me, and helping out when wanted or needed), and go home. We don't have a huge problem with this on my unit, but it does happen. I think if most of just try to rise above the others who perpetuate this attitude, it just might become extinct some day. It's like I always told my kids "People act that way to get some sort of reaction from you, don't give it to them! Eventually they'll get bored and move on."

My take on the nit-picking is the perfectionistic (is that a word?) aura of nursing school. I don't know about you guys, but we were nit-picked constantly. With good reason, of course, but I think it causes us to feel less than worthy if we are not perfect all the time. It makes us a little more likely to scope out imperfection or mistakes in others. "Hey! Look what she did!! I would never have made a mistake like that!" It's the classic bully mentality - magnifying imperfection in others obscures the imperfection in ourselves.

Honestly, I think this will change, IS changing. It's like when you bring a dirty little secret out of the closet. We need to train our new nurses with tolerance - teach them by example how to deal with each other in effective ways. I know I always carry some of my first 2 preceptors around with me, and my attitudes reflect, in some part, theirs. My nursing instructors had influence on me - luckily, they all had wonderful attitudes. The nurses I worked with during clinicals influenced me. There are so many opportunities to change things.

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That's why I generally try to go to work, take care of MY patients, get MY work done (while being aware of what is going on around me, and helping out when wanted or needed), and go home. We don't have a huge problem with this on my unit, but it does happen. I think if most of just try to rise above the others who perpetuate this attitude, it just might become extinct some day. It's like I always told my kids "People act that way to get some sort of reaction from you, don't give it to them! Eventually they'll get bored and move on."

My take on the nit-picking is the perfectionistic (is that a word?) aura of nursing school. I don't know about you guys, but we were nit-picked constantly. With good reason, of course, but I think it causes us to feel less than worthy if we are not perfect all the time. It makes us a little more likely to scope out imperfection or mistakes in others. "Hey! Look what she did!! I would never have made a mistake like that!" It's the classic bully mentality - magnifying imperfection in others obscures the imperfection in ourselves.

Honestly, I think this will change, IS changing. It's like when you bring a dirty little secret out of the closet. We need to train our new nurses with tolerance - teach them by example how to deal with each other in effective ways. I know I always carry some of my first 2 preceptors around with me, and my attitudes reflect, in some part, theirs. My nursing instructors had influence on me - luckily, they all had wonderful attitudes. The nurses I worked with during clinicals influenced me. There are so many opportunities to change things.

I have a theory as well. I've noticed that the average age of nursing students, regardless of your program, seems to be going up. The number of people taking on nursing as a late-stage career change (like me) is also increasing.

I think these factors will change the face of the profession - because I can tell you for a fact, there is a limit to what I'll take from someone on a person-to-person level without speaking up and/or going up the chain if necessary. And I think you'd have a hard time intimidating someone who's 45 or so and has worked out in the Real World, like many of the posters here. It's easier to mold someone who's younger and less experienced as opposed to someone who's worked a while - regardless of what profession the person was in originally. They'll KNOW some of this stuff is totally jacked up and I don't think they'll take it.

I think these older, more experienced people will change this as they enter the profession - and I think it will be a good thing. Please don't take what I'm saying as me being some sort of vigilante - that's not what I mean at all. What I do mean is that the stereotype I'd bet some of these nurses are carrying around in their heads is becoming less common among new GNs, and it's going to cause things to slowly change.

I don't have a problem with people pointing out where I'm screwing up. I do have a problem with drama and petty personal vendettas. I don't put up with them now and I won't put up with them there, either. I deal with it professionally, yes, but I deal with it. And I think there's a difference in me now and when I was 19-21 years old.

They can't breed them anymore, and it's going to drive some of them nuts.

Just my opinion. Of course, I'll see what time it is when I get there, I'm sure!

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Specializes in Telemetry, ICU, Resource Pool, Dialysis.

You're absolutely right. Used to be "senior" nurses just got away with being hooches - because "that's the way it is." The intimidation isn't going to work when dealing with someone mature and already experienced in the business world or another type of career. Even the younger generation won't put up with it anymore.

Someone mentioned on another thread that it would be a good idea to include more classes in school related to interpersonal and work-related relationships especially geared toward the nursing environment. I think that's a great idea. Even when I was in school (not that long ago) it wasn't something that was focused on. Having a whole class on how to effect change in the nursing world, and create more positive environments by our own behaviour.

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You're absolutely right. Used to be "senior" nurses just got away with being hooches - because "that's the way it is." The intimidation isn't going to work when dealing with someone mature and already experienced in the business world or another type of career. Even the younger generation won't put up with it anymore.

Someone mentioned on another thread that it would be a good idea to include more classes in school related to interpersonal and work-related relationships especially geared toward the nursing environment. I think that's a great idea. Even when I was in school (not that long ago) it wasn't something that was focused on. Having a whole class on how to effect change in the nursing world, and create more positive environments by our own behaviour.

I agree. Sad for it to be that way, but I agree.

And thanks - it's nice to know I'm not nuts! :coollook:

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Specializes in Telemetry, ICU, Resource Pool, Dialysis.
And thanks - it's nice to know I'm not nuts! :coollook:

Girlfriend---we're ALL nuts!!:chuckle

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