Between a rock and a hard place: being taken advantage of

[TazziRN, RN]

This is a vent.

I work in a rural ER, two RNs and a tech on at any one time. On my days it's always the same three of us, and we have learned to work well together. We've also become close friends. The other RN (I shall call her L) has always had a problem with dependability, but over the last year it's gotten really bad. At first it was just being a little late at the start of the shift, or staying away a little longer than expected when making a food run. Then it ballooned to calling in sick at the last minute, or having to go home sick. Not long ago we were overstaffed by one, L said she wasn't feeling well and would I mind if she went home on call. I said okay, if she promised to return asap if we needed her. With that promise, off she went. A couple of hours later the ER exploded, as ER's do, and I tried to call her. No answer at home or her cell. I finally had to call a friend and have him go bang on her door, then it still took an hour for her to come back.

Another time she never showed up, didn't answer her phones, I finally ended up calling her dad in another state, and he managed to find L's sister to go bang on the door. L was sick and swore she had called in. No record of any such call.

Every shift we work she takes multiple phone calls and often disappears to meet a friend outside, even when it's busy.

Today really ticked me off. She spent most of the morning in and out of the bathroom, and after one trip that lasted nearly an hour, she came out and said she needed to go home for a few minutes. She swore she would be back within an hour, tops. An hour and a half later I asked the tech to call her. Her nephew said she was laying down because she wasn't feeling well and he didn't know if she would be coming back.

??????

Boss came in a few minutes later and counted noses, came up one short, and asked me if L hadn't come back yet. She went to the house supe, who arranged to float an ICU nurse over. Boss called L at home to tell her to stay home, but L said 'No, I'll be there in half an hour." An hour later she finally showed up. I found out that she is being written up for this, and I also found out that our ER medical director has even complained about L leaving me in the lurch all the time.

I'm so tired of standing up for her and covering for her (not lying about her whereabouts, but not being totally truthful either). I made a vow today that I will not do it anymore. I know it's the right thing to do........

So why do I feel so guilty?????

[nicenurse911121]

Hmmm sounds like a possible addiction problem, trips to BR, goin home for short jaunts, get your friend some help. She is your friend is why you feel guilty but listen, a friend wouldnt do that, but if she is on something she would. Keep from feeling even more guilty or worse possibly losing your license, keep her from harming someone! Be truthful with your supervisor, your friend may resent you at first but if she can get some help she will thank you later

[froghair]

if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, good chances are its a duck. there is something going on with her. someone needs to sit her down and tell her she just cant keep on doing what she's doing

[DusktilDawn]

L's problems (whatever they may be) are affecting her work, obviously something is going on with this person. It's not unusual for people that work together to feel a sense of loyalty, this is probably why you feel guilty. You know she is in serious trouble and a part of you still wants to help. Bear in mind, despite whatever is going on with her, she has taken advantage of the fact that everyone has thus far tolerated her behavior. The best help for her may be to face the consequences of her behavior.

[DDRN4me]

I agree with the other posters...and as a friend, you are feeling several mixed emotions..guilt for "betraying' her; frustration at her actions, and worry about what is truly going on. By confronting her in a friendly way...L, I am worried about you and what your actions are causing....you may be able to get at the root of her problem. good luck...i know this is difficult. Mary

[rn/writer, RN]

You feel guilty because she couldn't have stretched this ridiculous situation to such an extreme without your help.

You have no control over her actions, but by covering for her so many times and to such lengths, you have taught her that you can be taken advantage of. You have, in effect, contracted with her to be her patsy. Now you are "breaking" that contract, and it feels like you are reneging on a deal.

The truth is, you are breaking that implied deal, but it's an agreement that never should have been made in the first place.

Users can smell people-pleasers in the next county. They always have a hard luck story and know what buttons to push to tap into your weak spots. So, are you doomed to be a victim to your own soft heart every time an exploiter comes around?

You are if you don't recognize this vulnerable area and train yourself to take evasive and assertive action.

You must first start with yourself. The second you catch yourself feeling sorry for someone or getting sucked into doing favors or looking the other way when there's a problem, you need to put on the brakes and THINK. Get into the habit of using your head first and your heart second. Start with telling yourself the truth about the situation at hand. "She wants me to cover for her to leave an hour early. That's totally against our policy. None of the rest of us does it. If she really needs to go, then she has to call the house supervisor and get it okayed. I'm not putting my job on the line for anyone else." Period. Once you have things straight in your own head, you'll be able to say, "Sorry, I can't agree to that." Even if you blurt out the wrong answer, you are still within your rights to say, "Wait a minute. I just made a mistake. I can't go along with this."

We all get suckered from time to time (and learn from it if we're smart), but the kind of pattern that you have related requires a huge amount of cooperation from you. Whether or not your co-worker changes is up to her, but your new mindset should be that even if she doesn't, she'll have to find a new enabler.

I wish you all the best in setting boundaries and keeping them.

[maelstrom143]

I may be way off on this, but have you thought of possible addiction problems? May not be what is going on, but the trips to the bathroom, short outings off the floor...she is endangering patients and making you an unwilling accomplice. You feel guilty because you are a nice person. However, a real friend does not leave a real friend in a lurch in the manner she is doing and a real friend would not ask you to do something that is wrong. So far, you have been safe and no one has been hurt. However, being understaffed and stressed can often lead to mistakes. You have no option but to do what you are doing. If she does not like it, it is her problem, not yours.

[TazziRN, RN]

Thanks, Maelstrom, but this is a very old thread. Both L and I no longer work at that facility and we are both doing much better at our respective new positions. I don't know if addiction was an issue with her, I don't think so, but I don't know. If it was, it's something she took care of because she is a different person now, better.

[maelstrom143]

Oh, thanks! lol. talk about lost. i did not even look at the date! I am glad all worked out, though. It is so horrible when work is hard to deal with. Have a wonderful day!

[rn/writer, RN]

Situation resolved per OP. Thread closed.