Backstabbing & Frenemies.

[MarkBird]

Warning - Long post!!

I'm in my second semester. I thought I was friends with this girl I sit next to, we hang out after class to study and get tutoring from second year students. She always seemed kinda witchy, griped alot - very pessimistic. This semester she has really gotten worse, bad mouths everyone and after her actions in the past week, I feel she is out to get me. I can be pessimistic too - although I pride myself on being courteous and professional and keep my opinions to myself. I'm currently top 3 in my class, and well - she isn't as academically prepared or devoted as I am. I do not care what grades others get, but I find she asks me and others grades ect. every time after any graded assignment/exam/quiz and smirks if she does better (not often for me). Today, she tried to get me to bad-mouth a specific teacher (twice in one day) whom I have taken up for on several occasions but many people hate due to her missing so much class time due to her child being sick. She actually said: Well, I don't understand anything TeacherXYZ has been doing in X class, she hasn't really taught us anything has she, what do you think NAME? My reply BOTH times were: Well, I have been struggling in that class (Thinking everyone else has too), and I will probably get some help on it today. (trying to suggest the material is a little hard) She asked me the same question twice in front of 2/4 of our instructors, which I found very odd... She has also been hanging around some of last years 2yr graduates, and I think they're been giving her pointers (and test Q's/answers). I never get a spare minute alone in the class without her there, and when I stay for tutoring, she'll say she has to leave at X time, but stays as late as I do. She's one of those people who will confront me and will talk crap behind my back if I disconnect, b/c she's a bully and will probably hold a grudge for a long time. She also lies a lot about stuff that happens, she tattles on ppl, and acts like it's not her when people start hating on her she starts talking smack about it & them - pointing fingers. I have to deal with this person for the next 1.5 years. Teachers won't do much, they'd rather us deal with it on our own.

I want to distance myself starting tomorrows class - but I'm not sure how to do it w/o her confronting me b/c she's a "mean girl". I have anxiety disorder, so this is really hard for me to deal. Help???

[Devon Rex, ADN, BSN]

Hello!

There is no way around this situation. If she is as dysfunctional as you protray her to be, you need to pull her aside and cut ties with her. Ask her to leave you alone. Do not tell her when you will take tutoring classes or with whom. Ask your tutor to keep your appointments confidential. Do not worry about what she says about you. Liers have a way to fall from their pedestals all by themselves.

Keep your goal in check, which is to become a nurse. Study and do not share your grades with anyone by simply telling them you do not wish to discuss them. Many people get very competitive and need to know they do better than others in order to feel better about themselves. If you do not how to handle those personalities, you are best to stay clear from them. You also have to let it be known that you want to be left alone.

Associate yourself with only those who are mature and promote positive and constructive pressure. You are better off learning this skill now as you will deal with many personalities in the future throughout your career. Do not take personal whatever she says and do not speak evil of her. If she happens to say something true that you don't like, then work on fixing that... but you must disassociate from her. She seems to be a force of negativity no one needs.

Good luck to you!

[Devon Rex, ADN, BSN]

Feel free to send me a PM in the future if you need help/advice.

[MarkBird]

Thank you! Sadly, I wish I could hide from her for tutoring (every little bit helps!), but I'm at a small college, and we tutor in the same area we have classes in (only 2 tutors available). I only leave her sight when I go to the bathroom or lunch (if I leave which is a hassle). Normally I'd shrug her off, but since I'm in a program where I am forced to look at her for over another year, I had no idea what to do. Normally I'd just suck it up, but that's hard to do when you're facing a tornado and you go charging at it. I'm gonna try to change things up tomorrow. Today was the last straw!

[Devon Rex, ADN, BSN]

Ok. Do what you can, but ensure you are upfront with her. This is about your future... do not be afraid of keeping away those who try to bring you down. If she posses a big problem, consider speaking with your Dean of Academics to ask for advice.

Best wishes!

[rumwynnieRN]

I don't know how big your class is. I think that's one of the downsides of having a small class because it's not as easy to find a group of people (or someone) you can get along with.

That said, you'll learn some techniques in mental health, if you haven't taken it already. Yes they work on other people besides mental patients (though I think some of these people who are not mental patients should be evaluated for other things, but that's besides the point), and should this person decide to get super confrontational, you won't look dumb, she will.

I can only speak from personal experience, which sounds similar to yours -- I had a falling out with someone my final semester of nursing school and with whom I thought I was good friends with until, well, I tried being a good friend, and told her she has some unsavory aspects about her personality. I had seen the red flags though: her two-faced attitude towards teachers, her over-confidence in a lot of things, how she bragged about her externship, the patients she took care of, her getting into fights with people over issues that didn't concern her at all, the list goes on. I will never deny that she'll make a wonderful nurse (I think she failed boards), but I would never want her as a coworker.

If you're wondering, she decided to call me 10 hours after our "spat" (I thought the conversation was over) to talk to me about my "comment". Sorry, but I won't be insulted over the phone. I hung up on her, and yeah, other people found out. I can say no one particularly felt bad for her.

It's good you recognize that you want to keep your distance from her, now you just have to act on it. Definitely everything Devon said, and if you're like me who doesn't like to confront people, if possible, try finding another group of friends or associates who don't hang out with her.

[zoe92]

Just ignore her. If she talks to you, ignore her & walk away. I know this sounds mean, but I think ignoring her is the only thing you can do. It sucks knowing she will probably talk bad about you, but you can't please everyone & if she is really bothering you then maybe the silent treatment is the only way to get her out of your face. She is going to try everything to get a reaction from you, but just stay calm, cool and silent. Good luck. I know how uncomfortable being around someone like that can be.