so it appears i'm not alone...

CRNA2007 · Sep 3, 2008

You do have a place to turn. Rehab. While you haven't endangered a patient yet it is just a matter of time. The Boards of Nursing are there to protect the public not the nurse. You are doing the right thing by sobering up in rehab and hopefully that will work out to where you can return to the profession you seem to enjoy.

okay....here goes.
i'm off to rehab tomorrow. i never, ever took any drug from my current job, the job i love with my whole being. my previous job....well, i'm ashamed but a small ED in which the MI protocol was 4 mg morphine and the vials only came in 8 mg form, and my coworkers (understaffed, as everywhere seems to be) would rush through signing the wastes practically as i pulled the meds and not check them...led me to experiment, and stockpile. not a single patient i have ever had in my charge has ever had a drug diverted from them, i guess i was just the "leftovers" queen. i left my previous position simply for higher pay/better hours/ bigger facility and friendlier management; nothing was ever discovered; my use was very limited (2 mg here, 4 mg there, subcutaneously only, never used a vein.) however, i had amassed a very large amount of morphine which i kept tucked away for "recreational" use. ( really, im so ashamed even looking at this, as im even typing it i just want to scream at me.) I had elective surgery that required 8 hours of anesthesia and woke up feeling something very strange but couldnt put my finger on it. the prescription norco from my surgeon worked for my postop issues for a couple days. Something got into me that third day....i decided why waste time with this, i have the juice right here, and know what i'm doing, and injected, mainline in my vein, 8 mg morphine. this tured into an everyday habit, using more and more until i exhausted my supply, 1 week ago today and the whole world fell apart. in a domestic dispute while i was withdrawing, my soon to be ex husband called the police to have me committed for "suicidal ideations" (he's extremely jealous and doubted I was going to work as I stated)...since I had been forthright with him about my drug use a few days prior, he informed the ambulance crew about my use and withdrawal, told them where I worked and that i had obtained the drugs from work and not the street. when I was brought to the ED, i underwent a urine test which did come up positive for opiates, however I did still have a valid prescription for my postop norco. The PA that took care of me informed me that he may have to report me as an impaired practitioner to our state board of nursing and could not give me a definitive answer on this. I have never, EVER reported to work under the influence of ANYTHING--i work a 36 hour schedule and my addictions (i had drinking problems in my youth as well) have always involved "benders"--days of indulgent use followed by days of stark-sober functionality. I had called in sick to work immediately when I realized my husband was calling, knowing I had at least a 2-hour ordeal of fallout and wouldn't be on time anyway. I never, ever, ever would endanger a patient or this job in that way. I have decided to voluntarily go to rehab starting tomorrow. however, when I spoke with the intake nurse and the legal department,. they too stated if they deemed me a threat to patient care i would be reported to the board as an impaired practitioner. i feel like this is a no win situation. i sought help twice--granted, once on someone else's say-so and this time on mine--but in both instances I feel i am being penalized for doing so. I feel like I have noplace to turn. Can anyone offer some words...and if not official legal advice then maybe just how HIPAA might play into this, especially considering i was voluntary and forthright? please...i am at the brink of i'm not even sure what.

averageJo · Sep 3, 2008

oh yes....i agree. a little longer of the gnawing inside me and i might not have been able to stop myself from pinching from my current job, and a bit longer than that and surely i would endanger someone. i just feel like being forthright before any of that came to happen should help instead of hurt. maybe i am wrong.

Kymmi · Sep 3, 2008

Well...let me start off by saying...wow....and let me commend you for being so honest and upfront about the whole situation. Addiction is a very real illness and it takes a great deal of soul searching and self punishment in order to admit that it has happened to you and it takes alot more courage to obtain treatment. I am not able to tell you what might happen as far as the BON is concerned because I do not know.

I do know however that a nurse I know went thru a rehab program for impaired nurses and is practicing today. She was caught and forced to go in order to maintain her job/license but she successfully completed the program and had a few restrictions when she first came back such as being unable to pass narcs and subjected to random urine tests but she currently is back to full function in her position.

Once again I have to say that I admire you for doing what you are doing and I wish you all the luck in the world however I do not think you need luck so I will say I wish the best for you because I admire your courage.

Kymmi · Sep 3, 2008

i just feel like being forthright before any of that came to happen should help instead of hurt. maybe i am wrong.

I think that being forthright will work out. Remember that what you are doing is best for you and when all the cards are on the table.....YOU are what is important.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Sep 3, 2008

It doesn't matter that you never diverted from a patient or never showed up to work high. The fact is you stole narcotics and became an addict. Just attach a "yet" to those things you haven't done because if you don't clean up your act now you will do those things.

Try not to look at it as punishment for trying to get but, but look at it as you are getting help. Making getting clean your #1 priority, one day at a time, and eventually everything is going to work our.

Hang in there. Those early days when it feels like our world is falling around us are difficult. Sometimes some bad unfair things happen to us during this time as well, but we still have to concentrate on being clean and sober through it all. We've all been there and done that.

metnaj23 · Sep 3, 2008

Its crazy how things work out.It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when things are starting to go bad. You are fortunate it ended when it did.Everyone has to hit a bottom. I wasnt a nurse yet when I hit my bottom but I was a paramedic with a promising career in the fire dept. I lost my job for not showing up to work, my relationship of 4 years ended with her placing a restraining order on me, and I got charged with 2 misdmemeanors and a felony within 6 months. I never thought I would see the light of day again. The worst part of it was that I knew that I was rsponsible. I was so angry at myself and pondered suicide. I found the rooms of recovery and I thought it was all a bunch of BS.Im not like these losers, these street bums. The people welcomed me with open arms and passed no judgement. I slowly began to accept the 12 steps as a way of life. Today I cannot imagine my life without recovery and I celebrate 4 years this month. Most of the things i thought I would never get through have come to pass. I have had to face all kinds of obstacles to even be approved to take my NCLEX but I have been approved.

It will all work out shoud you want recovery above all things.

Your story will inspire others to seek recovery and fro that you should be commended.

If no one told you they loved you today... I do!!:redbeathe

Good luck:D

sissiesmama, ASN, RN · Sep 8, 2008

Its crazy how things work out.It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when things are starting to go bad. You are fortunate it ended when it did.Everyone has to hit a bottom. I wasnt a nurse yet when I hit my bottom but I was a paramedic with a promising career in the fire dept. I lost my job for not showing up to work, my relationship of 4 years ended with her placing a restraining order on me, and I got charged with 2 misdmemeanors and a felony within 6 months. I never thought I would see the light of day again. The worst part of it was that I knew that I was rsponsible. I was so angry at myself and pondered suicide. I found the rooms of recovery and I thought it was all a bunch of BS.Im not like these losers, these street bums. The people welcomed me with open arms and passed no judgement. I slowly began to accept the 12 steps as a way of life. Today I cannot imagine my life without recovery and I celebrate 4 years this month. Most of the things i thought I would never get through have come to pass. I have had to face all kinds of obstacles to even be approved to take my NCLEX but I have been approved.
It will all work out shoud you want recovery above all things.
Your story will inspire others to seek recovery and fro that you should be commended.
If no one told you they loved you today... I do!!:redbeathe
Good luck:D

Congrats on your 4 years!! That is great!

Anne, RNC

wubbzy · Sep 9, 2008

OMG......you just about told my story!!!! In January, I had 7 years clean. Then in February, I had horrible abdominal pain and was sooooo sick. My daughter said I was delireous and she took me to ER. I was in NO condition to tell them "No narcs" and my daughter said she didn't think about it and just wanted them to do something for me. I had used most of my veins many years before and they finally got an IV in my foot on the 9th attempt. Then they loaded me with Dilaudid IV. I was admitted to the hospital and ended up having to have my gall bladder taken out. When I was doing better, my addiction was back in full force. I went back to work about a month later and did the same. I gave my patients what they were suppose to get and took what was to be wasted. I was again using IV Dilaudid and Morphine. A couple months later, my daughter called EMS because I had hit my head and eventually was vomiting, was confused, thought it was 2005, and had left hemiplegia. EMS took me to the hospital and thought I had a stroke. The whole neuro team was there with me and I was very close to getting TPA. I also ended up having a tox screen done while there and then was confronted about the opiates in my system. I also have a HIPAA issue with them because after even telling me they could not talk to ANYONE and were also advised by their legal department that they were not obligated to report me......my employer had received some information and I know the only way they could've gotten that info was from the doctor and the hospital. There is MUCH more to this story, but I am facing felony charges, lost my job and most likely my license. I do not deny that I made wrong choices, but I also have so much anger towards those who betrayed the confidentiality. I had been trying to quit on my own and was enrolled in a treatment program before I was aware that my employer knew anything at all. My attorney is going to get me thru my part and then I am going after those responsible for breaking the Federal HIPAA Law. My attorney said I probably can not get them on criiminal charges, but can on Civil charges. In the meantime, I will have 4 months clean again this week and am again working on the 12 steps and my recovery. I spent a week in the hospital detoxing (YUCK!), 2 1/2 weeks in an inpatient treatment center, then their partial and outpatient program and their relapse prevention program. I go to many meetings (did about 120 meetings in 90 days). My life is a shambles right now and I have many difficult times. I am trying to turn it all over to my Higher Power who I choose to call God. I'm not sure what will happen but I don't think I'm looking forward to it.

BEDPAN76 · Sep 9, 2008

My Dear Wubbzy, My heart goes out to you.:redbeathe. Things WILL get better. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. And congratulations on 4 months clean---you are off to a great start. Also, you did it before and will do it again! Please keep us posted. I will be looking for your posts! Take care, :yeah: :loveya:

wubbzy · Sep 10, 2008

Thanks for understanding, Bedpan. (Love the name:D). It is all very hard. And it didn't help to have my name all over the paper and the local news stations. I went to court last month for an arraignment and one of the area TV news stations were there. Now you would think they would be more interested in the people who had shot, stabbed, assaulted other people who were there in the court room.......but they never turned their camera on till my name was called and when I was done, they left! Grrrrrrrr Also had a pre-trial last week. My attorney and the prosecutor agreed to go with "treatment in lieu of a conviction" but the judge said no. Next court date is coming up soon and I have no clue what will happen. My attorney and the prosecutor are again in agreement with a plan, but it is still up to the judge. :eek:

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Dec 22, 2008

:heartbeat

Please, let us know how you are doing?!

I hope you are doing well since this post!