Anyone recovering by choice?

[tachyallday, BSN]

It seems everyone here has been charged or "caught" with something. No judgement. Just being frank because I don't have the energy to sound sensitive or compassionate right now. I have wondered if I was charged with something, would that be the motivating I need to change. Maybe I should roll the dice & start driving drunk so I can get a DUI. OK, that was a horrible & cyncial thing to say, but I feel horrible & cyncial. 

Anyway, I thought I would post & see if anyone is trying to get live sober without having legal consequences. Or if those that do have consequences, have any insight. 

My drinking has taken off & progressed since Covid. 1/2-1 bottle of wine every night. Sometimes mixed with a small dose anxiety medication (mine, prescribed to me, legally). I drink less ETOH if I mix it as it accelerates the affect. I have lectured the *** out of patients for mixing drugs & ETOH more times than I can count, btw.

Anyway, I go without a drink in the evening maybe once every week or two. I like to smoke a few cigarettes too when I'm drinking. Overall really great for my health being in the ER caring for Covid patients all day long ***giant eyeroll*** Seems everyone around me is drinking daily, depressed, anxious, angry. People joking about mixing wine & xanax left & right. I don't think they are joking. I myself am depressed, anxious, depressed & angry.

I need to make a change. I don't feel healthy. I know it's increasing my risk of getting really sick. It's making my mood more unstable than it would be at baseline. It's disrupting my sleep. I want to stop, but I can't. I don't have withdrawal, but I panic when I think about reality. It's about facing reality and what is happening at work, in the world, and what I am doing to my own body. I panic for my loved ones and coworkers. This is how I feel when I'm not buzzed/drunk, or when when I'm completely emotionally shut off & don't care, more below. 

I've tried AA. I hate the sanctimoniousness. I hate the people. Probably because I people in general so much right now. I hate everyone who isn't going through what the frontline is going through. I tried a zoom AA meeting yesterday. It kept being disrupted by kids spamming the meeting. 

Anyone have any ideas? I've thought about rehab. I'm not sure if I'm a candidate. I guess I could "claim" withdrawal symptoms but I don't want to lie, as I'm not noticing anything other than extreme anxiety on the evenings I don't drink. I'm OK in the morning, as long as I stay busy, but reality starts to get really tough as the days goes on. If I don't have access to alcohol, I know a solid break would give me a reboot. I frankly could use a break from work, too. I don't want to risk my work finding out about me attending rehab, but I can't go on like this either. 

I feel loosely suicidal at times too. This isn't a cry for help. I don't have a plan. I just don't feel future-oriented and oftentimes when I'm not feeling the things I described above, just don't really care, or care what happens to me, like would it be so bad if I ran off the road accidentally? I know that is ridiculous thinking and it is fleeting. I just run out of the energy to care about myself or anyone or anything else. Oh, I don't have a support system really, either, other than my coworkers. My family doesn't live here, and I've emotionally distanced myself from talking to them regularly. They are all going through their own stuff too, and I got tired of reaching out to them over the months. My marriage is not good, or happy, or supportive either.

OK, that's enough. I feel a little better for writing all of this out. Yes, I know, that's a good coping mechanism. 

 

[mississippiRN71]

Sounds like you do need help. Please seek it before the board gets a hold of you.  I wish I had gotten help and told no one I’m a nurse . I’m on probation with the board and it sux. I’m afraid even with the slightest screw up I will get thrown out of the program or have my probation contract extended.   Have you thought about outpatient? You wouldn’t have to disclose to them you are a nurse. 
good luck and God bless! ?
 

[Big Blondie, ASN, BSN, MSN, APRN]

Wow. You need a break for sure. So. Since you asked.  I did have a choice not to be in monitoring. I had a choice to stop using. I’m a two time participant. Worked in ICU, busted, fired. Voluntary participant...18 years later. Worked ER, busted after 10 years of using, fired. Could have walked away. Volunteered for 5 year program. Finished 2 years ago. Many of my thoughts were like yours. Emotional withdrawal the first time. If you think you are stressed now try being in a program and finding a job on restrictions.  Physical withdrawal The second time. Get yourself a leave of absence and go to treatment. Don’t report. If you can do this without the Board then do it. Seriously. Living in emotional pain and numbness sucks. My life is so freaking good now. No shame, fear or depression. Just do it. 

[K. Everly, BSN, RN]

I would sincerely like to share that MOST nurses (and frankly people with addictions) have been where you are, at least in the sense of trying to get help before they were "forced." 

Most people don't live in the misery of addiction and throes of depression and not think of getting help or changing their behavior. It usually is the case that people don't know how to get the help, are too ashamed to get help, or they try and the treatment fails – and then rock bottom finds them in the case of a criminal conviction or board action. 

Everybody in recovery is recovering "by choice," (save for the few in jail or prison who simply don't have access to their substance) because the alternative to that choice is losing their career and extreme damage to their health and body. With that in mind I propose the vocab exchange of "choice" frequently, because we always have a choice, whether it seems like that way or not. If we don't make the choice to recover, we make a choice to suffer. Just because someone appears to be "forced" into recovery due to criminal probation or board action, they still CHOSE to get clean, otherwise they could have chosen to forfeit their license or go to jail (which many people do actually choose).

Recovery is always a choice. What will you choose, and when? 

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

When I started my recovery journey almost 20  years ago. I was drinking a lot. Also abusing Ambien, xanax, norco (when I could get it), amd benadryl. I knew I needed to stop and I really wanted to stop. But my husband convinced me that we couldn't afford for me to go to rehab and about two months after that I attempted suicide. I was referred as an impaired nurse and went to rehab, which as it turned out was covered 100% by insurance. 5 years or monitoring headaches and nonsense and I have been sober now for close to 20 years. It has not been an easy journey. Facing my character defects and taking ownership for my disease took time and effort. Still I can hosestly say my worst day sober has been far better than my best day drunk.

Please don't be afraid to seek out help 

Hppy 

[tachyallday, BSN]

On 11/29/2020 at 11:05 AM, mississippiRN71 said:

Sounds like you do need help. Please seek it before the board gets a hold of you.  I wish I had gotten help and told no one I’m a nurse . I’m on probation with the board and it sux. I’m afraid even with the slightest screw up I will get thrown out of the program or have my probation contract extended.   Have you thought about outpatient? You wouldn’t have to disclose to them you are a nurse. 
good luck and God bless! ?
 

around me. I blend right in. 

[tachyallday, BSN]

Thanks Everyone.

"If we don't make a choice to recover, we make a choice to suffer." Thank you. 

I guess what I meant by choice, was, nothing forcing anyone into recovery. Most of the posts I have read talk about legal issues & monitoring programs. 

I'm not in any legal, board, or work trouble, never have. I'm not day drinking on my days off, or drinking before work. I'm not stealing drugs. I'm not having poor performance at work, other than feeling like tired and irritable & burned out. Like everyone else around me, who is having trouble with our current reality, I blend right in. I do not, however, want to keep taking this elevator down, to the point to where I am forced to make a change, and am exploring my options. I don't know about outpatient treatment. It would still allow me easy access to alcohol, but I am not ruling it out. 

I know I have some deep seeded childhood trauma, that I have never fully dealt with, a series of traumatic incidents about three years ago, that I have also not fully dealt with, some minor health things that have together been stressful, then the every day life stuff on top of that, some of which was mentioned above. Covid, my sense of normalcy, doing normal things on my day off has disappeared. Travelling to see my family regularly has disappeared. My dog of almost 14 years, died a few months ago. My other elderly dog required emergent & expensive spine surgery right after that. I'm trying to go easy on myself instead of beating myself up for finding myself where I am. I'm looking for things to feel thankful & grateful for. Writing here & reading your replies, helped a lot. Writing now, also helps. Thank you. 

[Scared2020]

Have you tried therapy?

 

I like NA/AA but there are online SMART recovery meetings.

if you do decide inpatient, like the previous poster said I would take a leave from work and not tell anyone in treatment you are a nurse.  It sucks because in theory it’s best to be totally honest in treatment but the chances of the board getting told isn’t worth it.

 

 

[K. Everly, BSN, RN]

On 12/3/2020 at 12:37 PM, tachyallday said:

I guess what I meant by choice, was, nothing forcing anyone into recovery. Most of the posts I have read talk about legal issues & monitoring programs. 

I'm not in any legal, board, or work trouble, never have. I'm not day drinking on my days off, or drinking before work. I'm not stealing drugs. I'm not having poor performance at work, other than feeling like tired and irritable & burned out. Like everyone else around me, who is having trouble with our current reality, I blend right in. I do not, however, want to keep taking this elevator down, to the point to where I am forced to make a change, and am exploring my options. I don't know about outpatient treatment. It would still allow me easy access to alcohol, but I am not ruling it out. 

It sounds like you are going through a lot, and I hope you do find someone you can talk to about the traumatic things that occurred in your life. I know prayer is huge for me. So many people seeking recovery have trauma so know you aren't alone and none of us are judging you. We feel for you. 

I quoted your above statements because I wanted to make a few more points if you'll allow me. I tend to get long winded, but bear with me if you'd like. 

You first asked about people recovering by choice due to not being forced. What I was trying to say in my other post is that MANY, if not MOST people I've met in recovery, myself included, sought help or struggled to figure out what to do before they ever were "forced," and before the consequences of their alcohol/substance misuse began to mount. It starts as a small voice inside that says, "Do I have a problem? But how can I have a problem when I'm still holding my life together, and after all I DO have reasons to be stressed? Surely that means I am fine, or not like those OTHER people in recovery who clearly need and it and so much worse off than me."

Truly, you aren't alone in those feelings and I can't stress it enough. Most people come to these forums after the hammer has been dropped on their lives but you don't see all the internal struggle that people don't post about. I know about it because I've lived it and I'm also a trained facilitator of a 40-60 attendee SMART Recovery online meeting every week that hosts people from all walks of life. I've seen people at every single phase. The people who show up to those meetings are at all different stages of seeking change and building motivation – many wanting to get ahead of it of treat it before they find themselves in a world of hurt like some of the other people they see in the meeting.

I'm in the "world of hurt" category, and you're in the "wanting to get ahead of it before it bites you in the a$$" category. But, despite that, we aren't nearly as different as your writing seems to indicate you think. I've been where you are, and the real question is will you continue down this path before you end up where I'M at (and so many other nurses). 

Then the next part of your post goes into all the ways your life really *isn't* unmanageable (rationalizing) because you've never been in legal or BON trouble, work trouble, don't day drink, drink before work, divert meds, believe your work performance isn't suffering, and really you are like all the other people on your unit who are burned out and suffering. You also say you aren't sure if an intensive outpatient would be enough for you. Can you see how the rationalization preceding that statement doesn't match up? One defends your position of manageability while the other shows how unmanageable it has actually become. 

I applaud you for wanting to get help – you seem motivated and that is WONDERFUL and the most necessary step in the process. The only reason I went so deeply into this post is because I have legit been where you are, not knowing I was actually on the fence of deciding to get help or not. I would submit to you that the cost of NOT getting help is far greater than you probably know (and far greater than the cost of getting the help), so whatever it takes to get help at this point in your life, please feel empowered to do so. People here have been really helpful in giving you suggests for how to avoid the BON or your employer finding out about your treatment. I like what you said about not wanting to let this elevator continue to take you down. Trust me, it will. But you have the power to intercept that. YOU CAN DO IT! 

[tachyallday, BSN]

Thank you, I genuinely appreciate the thoughtful replies. I have been taking it 24 hours at a time. Not only, for not drinking, but just getting through the day. I haven't had wine since Saturday. That's the longest break I have had in a few months. I'm just dealing with what I can, when I can. When I panic at work, I re-focus on the task in front of me. At home, I have been taking of self-care items I have been putting off. I have attended at least one AA meeting per day. With zoom, it's been so easy to call in, and there are meetings all the time. I have talked to a number of kind people who have said offered so much love & support. It's the most stable I have felt since before the pandemic. It's also been nice to talk with people about things that don't have anything to do with Covid or politics. I am having some intermittent hopeful moments and it feels good. I truly appreciate all of the words of insight & ecouragement!

[Scared2020]

You are doing amazing!  One day at a time!