Any nurses understand how isolating infertility is....

CaregiverGrace · Feb 19, 2011

There are lots of people that do not have children, by choice or otherwise. They still live happy and satisfying lives. I do not believe that having children is a prerequisite to happiness.

mommajoz · Feb 19, 2011

I was initially VERY upset by your post. I am 27. At 22 uterine cancer left me infertile. I took offense to the word "interesting". Infertility is not interesting it is truly tragic. I am going to try and approach this from a place of education rather than anger...

Infertility is a pain that NEVER leaves. I HATE hearing people say "at least youre alive", "at least you have a stepson", "it will be better in time", "lots of women are infertile." When I hear these things I KNOW the person I am speaking to does not have any concept of a true loss.

If you want to comfort someone who is infertile and struggling with that pain just simply listen. Hug them if they allow it. Cry with them if you feel the need. Don't say those feel-good phrases, JUST LISTEN. It helped me so much when I finally heard that what I was feeling wasnt a transient feeling and that it is OK to hurt. Its OK to feel.

Good Luck

TheCareerStudent · Feb 19, 2011

My best friend got uterine cancer, the first time, when she was in her early 20's. This was followed by breast cancer, the first time, in her early 20's. She was in the Navy and she would get her treatments on her "lunch break" (these do not truly exist in the military, I am a vet and know this full and well) and then she would go back to work. She did not want her coworkers to know she was sick so she kept it on a need to know basis.

Fast forward ten years and she got her second round with both. She is now married and struggling because she can not have children. She has two stepsons but she can not have a baby of her own.

I can not relate to well because I am in my upper 20's and do not want kids. But I can see that this ordeal is hard and her and her husband. I am going to have to agree with the above poster that there is no "interesting" story in this subject. I really hope your intent was for another reason and that you understand how much your verbiage will offend other women.

GHGoonette, BSN, RN · Feb 19, 2011

OP, I'm guessing you've recently discovered that you yourself have fertility problems, hence the need for comfort. I myself can offer you little in the way of insight, as I never suffered from it.

My sister, however, no matter how many clinics she attended or treatments she underwent, was never able to have children. Adoption at that time was extremely difficult, and due to her having been a patient in a mental health facility, she and her husband were never even on a waiting list.

She was 16 years older than me, and I had always looked up to my big sister, and she in her turn, spoiled me, was proud of me, and we always had a great relationship. After I had children of my own, that changed. She resented me, and made no effort to hide her resentment. This led to a breach between us, and although I tried to close the gap when I was older and wiser, we were never again "big sister, little sister", and I think we both lost something deeply precious.

So, this is the only comfort I can offer you; that if it is intended by a higher power that you should never bear children of your own, accept it and do not resent your fate. Rather turn your energies to that which you can achieve. You will not, will never be, a lesser person because you cannot bear your own child :heartbeat

Nascar nurse, ASN, RN · Feb 19, 2011

I'm a nurse, but not an OB nurse.

My brother & sister-in-law struggled for 10 years with infertility. They went thru several attempts of In vetro tx & they even changes jobs to get different insurance to be able to continue on with treatments when their existing benefits ran out. The Dr's were unable to ever give them a difinative reason as to why they could not conceive. Many times we crossed our fingers & toes...thought she was pregnant...then she wasn't. It was heart breaking for me & I can't begin to imagine how heartbreaking it was for them.

Out of the blue, my brother got a call from a person he had worked with many years before wondering if they had ever been able to have kids. Turns out this old friend was working with a young pregnant lady who was looking for a "good family"to give her baby to. Six weeks following that phone conversation my nephew was born into this world and into our family. We celebrated his 5th birthday last weekend right along with my daughters and Grandma's.

This child, from the day he was born, IS part of this family. He is the first "adoptive" child ever in this family and I can say without an absolute certainity that I could not love him any more even if we shared some common DNA.

Sometimes in the middle of the pain it can be hard to see that there may be alternative choices that can bring hope, faith and love.

annabeap, MSN, APRN, NP · Feb 19, 2011

I do see some kids getting chemo, and our docs counsel the young men to use a sperm bank. Being that it takes much longer prep time to get eggs from the young women, they usually just use birth control to stop ovulation. But we follow our favorite kids (they're all our favorite, of course) and a few of 'em have bundles of joy. :)

I have seen a lot of broken hearts from infertility. My love and thoughts go out to hurting couples. I've seriously thought of becoming a surrogate mother at one point in my life. And I would definitely be one for a sister of mine.

CeilingCat, ASN, RN · Feb 19, 2011

I have voluntary infertility: at 38 I still am choosing not to have kids. And it's tough. Everyone keeps asking when I'll start a family. My parents want to be grandparents. My peers are given extra days off because their needs need something, and I don't get any special consideration for anything. There is SO much social pressure on having kids. We're led to believe we can't be complete without them. We're prejudged as someone who "doesn't like kids" because people don't see children in our family photos. Over the years friends drifted away, once they had a baby and the baby became the most important thing in their universe and adult friends stopped mattering. So, yes, in a way I do understand how isolating it is not to have kids.

I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Am I missing out on something irreplaceable? Are any feelings of dissatisfaction I might have are holes having a child would fill? Will I still be able to relate to my "mommy" friends whose major topic of interest are their children? I felt alot of doubts. I felt alone. But as time went on, I started to realize something: there are some wonderful aspects of not going through pregnancy or raising a child full time. I have the time to do all the things I want to try out. I have the time to volunteer or get involved in a cause. I have the time to further my education, feeling fulfilled and contributing to society, in my own way. I ended up becoming founder of a 501©3 non-profit organization 5 years ago. Our org had slowly grown ever since. We now have a wonderful Board of Directors, and we really do make a difference in the community. I could never have had the time, money, and resources to do this if was fertile & had kids to raise. People talk about kids being their legacy. For me, my non-profit is my legacy -- as it continues to grow and hopefully outlives me.

We're all dealt a different hand in this life. To be happy, the challenge is to identify what is good and to make the best of it. It's not about dwelling on the pregnancy you can't have... it's about the joy you can find in adoption, foster parenting, volunteer work with kids, teaching kids, or a fulfilling cause/career.

Skips, MSN, RN · Feb 20, 2011

I think by "interesting", she meant any "turn around for the better" stories.

ErinS, BSN, RN · Feb 20, 2011

I worked in post-partum for a few years. There were several women I took care of who were there having a baby of their own after just adopting a baby because they thought they were infertile. So having diagnosed infertility is not always permanent or a guarantee, I guess. Good luck.

gymnut · Feb 20, 2011

I can relate to ceilingcats post because I am the same way with all the exact same feelings. While I do not suffer from any sort of heartbreak it is really aggravating that people assume I'm missing out on something or that I'm this horrible person who hates children (one woman suggested that I see a counselor :rolleyes: ). My husband and I fulfill our lives in other ways and are perfectly fine with that. Some people want to have kids and some people don't. Life will move on so get over it.

I do have an interesting (well more sad) story about TTC. My ex boyfriends sister was trying for almost a decade to get pregnant. Thousands upon thousands of dollars spent seeing specialist after specialist around the country, having multiple surgeries and complications from medications and the procedures and going into a horrible depression every time they failed. Eventually she did become pregnant and gave birth naturally to two children 4 years apart. The sad/interesting part?

She HATES motherhood.

This woman absolutely hates being a mother and wishes she never had her kids. We all thought it was PPD and she went on to numerous therapists who prescribed her various meds. The family is Christian and went to their pastor to get counseling as well and all she said was that "It's not what she expected" and "It's too much work." She would dump the kids off on anyone that would take them and just go out shopping. She would even work a lot of overtime just to avoid going home if they were there. It was just a bizarre situation. I haven't been with my ex in 13 years but ran into him and we talked about his family. He said she is still like that although since the kids are now teenagers she's a little better since in her words "She doesn't have to do as much."

I don't know what she expected motherhood to be but obviously something got disconnected in her wiring along the way. I still say it's some sort of deranged post partum depression thing going on but that's just my two cents :twocents: .

JacknSweetpea · Feb 20, 2011

I was initially VERY upset by your post. I am 27. At 22 uterine cancer left me infertile. I took offense to the word "interesting". Infertility is not interesting it is truly tragic. I am going to try and approach this from a place of education rather than anger...
Infertility is a pain that NEVER leaves. I HATE hearing people say "at least youre alive", "at least you have a stepson", "it will be better in time", "lots of women are infertile." When I hear these things I KNOW the person I am speaking to does not have any concept of a true loss.
If you want to comfort someone who is infertile and struggling with that pain just simply listen. Hug them if they allow it. Cry with them if you feel the need. Don't say those feel-good phrases, JUST LISTEN. It helped me so much when I finally heard that what I was feeling wasnt a transient feeling and that it is OK to hurt. Its OK to feel.
Good Luck

You took my post all wrong. I meant whether or not nurses whom have dealt with this have anything scientifically "interesting" about this subject. Get off your high horse. I'm 29 and went through total ovarian failure at 25. I cannot have children without an egg donor. I understand firsthand how tragic infertility is because I go through it on a daily basis. I do feel like people judge me all the time because I cannot have biological children; it's like my worth as a woman is tied up in this. My mother-in-law refers to me behind my back as an "old lady who is only 29". I'm sorry about your experience and I understand that you mourn everyday for someone that can never be. God bless.