I've thought about posting this for some time. I'm sure there will be some who comment the usual "suck it up buttercup" response, but this post is for anyone out there who faces shame, self loathing, self reproach and fear trying to work consistently with depression/anxiety (and any other mental illness).
I've dealt with anxiety and depression for decades. There is nothing anyone could suggest that I haven't tried (medication, herbs, praying, meditation, yoga, exercise..the list goes on) or still try now to keep these issues under control. For the most part, I was able to keep a lid on the issues, work and work consistently. But after some major losses of people and places that help stabilized my life, it's not been as easy. In fact, it's been one long struggle for years.
One of the off springs of these changes has been job hopping. I'm not proud of it but the truth is, the mental health issues I deal with on a daily basis, even with assistance of medication, etc, are at best like trying to hold a beach ball under water. It takes everything, and I mean everything, to just maintain most days. Getting up, getting dressed...I am not a stupid person not lazy. In fact, I'm highly intelligent, capable and competent. But after years of dealing with mental illness that seems to always find a way around whatever weapon I use against it, I'm tired.
I look at other nurses, on here, in my community, that have accomplished so much, know exactly what they want to do in nursing, where they want to be in 5 years and their confidence in their ability.. I envy them. And I feel more shame about where I'm at in my life, personally and professionally, at 54. I can't help but wonder, if I didn't have the mental health issues or if I had been, like some others, able to find a combination of something, anything, over the years that worked so I could function normally on a consistent basis, where would I be? A Director? A Flight Nurse? Charge Nurse? Have retirement account? A house that wasn't a mess? Again, the list of "what may have been" goes on.
But I'm here: still trying to make it through the day, resigned from yet another FT position to having accepted a 3 days week home health position. No, it's not my dream job, but it is one that allows me to make enough money to pay my bills and have time off so the pressure valve that rules my life is more controlled.
I am NOT looking for sympathy, or pity. I am only hoping that by sharing another reality of life that another nurse on here doesn't feel like she/he is the only one struggling, questioning themselves, job hopping, doesn't have perfect house, a retirement account or plan past today.
For those of you who do have those things, I'm happy for you, I truly am. But for those of us who don't, please know I pray for your peace along with mine every night even though we have never met.
