I write this in hope that it will either elicit some much-needed advice/encouragement or maybe give others hope that they are not the only person that struggles with becoming what they know they are destined to become.
In 2008, my dad died. My hero. He was only in the ICU for 5 days, but the care that he and I received left its mark on me. That is where I learned that the person in the bed is not the only pt. So, in 2010, I began my experience of nursing school.
Plainly put, I struggled. But, I later found out that it was due to poor test-taking because of the ADD. Let's face it, ANYONE that gets into nursing school is smart. But I wasn't Dx'd yet, so I just went through school struggling. I saw that while everyone else had it fairly easy, I was studying so much harder. Just to barely pass. My test grades were all over the place. But in clinical, I shined! I had others asking me for advice/help. Hell, even during my preceptorship, I was asked to teach paramedic students how to do IV's!
I graduated school in May of 2014. I tested within a month. I shouldn't have. Why? I was just beginning the long process of a divorce. Luckily, no kids were involved in the making of this divorce...(Ok, bad joke. Leave me alone! It's early and I'm not awake yet!) I got to 165 questions and failed. I know that I was close. But not close enough. But here was my biggest mistake....I was under the assumption that nursing school prepares you to take the NCLEX. It does not. It's what you do in nursing school that prepares you for the test. And yes, some of you lucky people out there just "get it" and can do it anyways. Am I jealous? Damn straight! While others were studying for the NCLEX, I was taking additional classes towards my future BSN as well as working 2 jobs. Yeah, I cringe looking back on it. The moral of the story is that I just had too much going on and was not prepared. Plain and simple.
But, like most others, I wasn't discouraged. I immediately re-registered and scheduled my next test for about 2 months later. I studied. In retrospect, not hard enough. I took the next test, and got to 235 questions and I ran the clock out at 6 hours. I went in knowing that if the clock runs out, they only grade the last 60 questions. So I took my time on each and every question. If it was spitting out questions and hadn't cut off yet, I knew I was still in the game. Finished and did the PVT. I tested about 2 1/2 hours away from home. I am a man and I am not afraid to admit that I cried almost the whole way home.
It is now just over a year later. I have been studying as I can. I have had a LOT going on in my life in the last year, so the test has kinda been on the back burner. I have been studying harder and harder. I use Kaplan as my mainstay. I purchased Hurst as well, and finished it, but didn't like it. Again, test grades were not where THEY said I needed to be. So I went back to Kaplan and have stayed. Although my test grades have improved, they are still fairly all over the place. I general stay in the high 50's to mid 60's. I will occasionally get in the 70's, and unfortunately will dip into a 40-something every now and then. Those are what freak me out. Like BAD. They throw me off. I WANT to blame those grades on the ADD, but I don't like to make excuses. So I study harder.
Looking back on my life, the ADD/ADHD makes sense. As a child, I always brought home report cards saying that I couldn't sit still and that I was always disruptive. I continuously got A's & B's, so I never got into too much trouble. But I'm almost 40. Back then, you didn't have ADD or ADHD. You were just a hyper kid that was out of control. Luckily my dad wasn't mean to me. I was reprimanded, but never got into trouble because my grades were good. Fast forward to nursing school.....I had friends in the class a year ahead of me that would get Adderall to study. I was willing to try anything. So I went to the VA. After several visits, and several long discussions, I was beginning to make sense of it all. It all just fell into place. I was constantly having the "ooooooooooohhhsssssss, that makes sense!" It effects my personal life just as much, or even more so, than school. I am convinced that I am depressed. I fixate on random things. But I will keep this as relevant as I can. I have now been dating an AWESOME woman for 9 months now. She has 3 full-grown kids, one of which is engaged. So we have 6 basically adults living in this house. Between my gf and I, we make $20 an hour. That isn't enough to support 6 adults. Yes, we are the only people working. Long story there! DSS wont give us food stamps. She and I have now picked up extra shifts to make a bit more money. I work 2nd shift, so I get off at 11. I come home and try to wind down, all while trying to get some studying in with 5 other people and usually one or two of their friends. I typically get to bed anywhere from 2-3:30am. Some times I will just say it's 1:30 and I have to get up tomorrow to study, so I'm going to bed. EVERY day I wake up at 9am so I can study. It takes awhile for me to get to sleep, so I generally only get roughly 5 hours of sleep a night. Some nights I lay in bed and MIGHT get 2 hours. Some times none. We struggle to pay bills. So, needless to say, I have a LOT riding on whether or not I pass this next test. I also just found out yesterday that the $200 I paid to the BON is only good for 365 days. That expired last month. So now I have to find a way to come up with $275 ASAP so I can test.
Yes, I know that I am over-stressed. But I have the capability of looking past the stress when it comes time to study and especially when I sit in front of a test. What is discouraging though is that with as much studying that I have done, my grades only stay in the 50's-60's. I have read on here recently that a LOT of people have those grades and pass their NCLEX. I am down to about 500 questions left on the QBank and have done QT's 1-4. #4's score was in the 40's. I KNOW I can retake that test and do better. I read every single rationale TWICE on it. ALL 150 questions. I look back at the wrong answers and it makes sense why I missed them. Then I miss simple stuff like marking the locations of where I can palpate this or that, and it's either correct, or it's right on the black line, making it incorrect. That is SO frustrating! It means I know the answer, but was close. Seems to be my theme in all of this.
This is all just so frustrating. So many responsibilities riding on this test. Some may call them all "stressors." While they are not wrong, I am choosing to call them all "motivators." It took too long for me to realize that this is what I was meant to do. When I walk into a hospital for ANY reason, I feel like I am home. This is where I am supposed to be. There are two women from my class that took the test twice and have since given up. They have gone different routes. I cannot. No matter how hard this gets, I refuse to give up. But oh wow.....I'm not going to lie. I am tired. I'm tired of studying. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of saying "when I pass my test....."
I know that I can do this. I just wish I would already "do this" so I can start being a nurse. You wait until I get my license and I sit in front of a hiring manage and/or charge nurse and they ask me why I want to be there.....why I want to be a nurse. I plan to drop their jaws.
So please, if you have advice, I welcome ANY and all! But if you have none but this helps you in any way, keep your head up! This CAN be done. If you want it bad enough, it will happen. It may not happen when and how you want. But it WILL happen!
