Once upon a time.

Well, alright then!

It's a lot simpler isn't it? Than I'm making it out to be? I know that, but I think being honest with myself is the first and most difficult step. I'm not sure why, I guess because my type A personality has idolized and sought success in the form of acheiving becoming a CRNA. But I realize I have to let go of these hang ups, the ridiculous measures of success constructed by my mind, and be flat out honest for me.

I just didn't think it would come this quick. I reached a breaking point a while ago, it's been bubbling ... building and building up. I don't think I've ever pondered about what happiness truly means so much in my life, and what it means to me.

And the closer I get to realizing this... the easie it gets to breathe. Letting go of that pressure ... and just going after what I want!

It sounds like you are a 5 and 10 year planner. That's not a bad thing, but sometimes plans need changed or adjusted. It's not a failure to decide not to pursue a goal you just have to adjust to new goals. What is it that they say about battle plans never surviving the initial engagement of the enemy?

Hmm, I have no more advice, just support for your vent.

What is a 5 and 10 year planner? And you're right, it's NOT a failure and thank you for bringing up that word because that's exactly how I feel... but I'm beginning to shed those feelings. I'm just done. Done pretending or trying to do something I don't want to. Honesty with myself and acceptance are feeling pretty good right now.

Some people don't look beyond tomorrow. They go to work and they come home. They don't plan. Some people have a years plan. I'm going to save money for a car, a down payment, etc. Some people plan 5-10 years or more down the road. You are a long term planner. You had a long term plan. 1. associates degree 2 start at a hospital 3 BSN 4 ICU 5 CRNA.

You looked at your ultimate goal of CRNA and broke it up into doable, time scheduled steps. You may even be longer term than that. You may be putting aside a set amount of money for a house or retirement.

Some people plan long term and some people fly by the seat of their pants. (I'm a bit of both) Being a planner is a good thing. It really is, but it sets you up for feelings of failure when you don't achieve those goals. (You are probably a bit of a perfectionist too)

The thing you have to realize is that you didn't fail to achieve a goal, you just adjusted the goal. It's a good thing that you are self aware enough (and sensible enough) to realize that the path you are on might not be the best one for you.

Wow thanks for this analysis. Really I never thought about it this way and you really helped to put things into perspective as to why I'm possibly feeling a certain way. You're right, I do plan. I am a planner.

I remember now so vividly my psychology lectures. I recall my professor... a very petittie woman, with a short haircut. I remember her lecture one day over identity and how men tend to particularly be inflexible and rigid with career plans and how closely they tie their personalities and ID to their job. That's just it, I feel like not following through these plans makes me a failure but that thought is flawed in every possible way.

What happened? Idk exactly but I experienced life, I aged a bit, my tastes changed, and that's life. It's dynamic, organic, and ever changing. I gotta put the past in the past and embrace who I am becoming, as scary and disappointing/bittersweet it can be to part ways with past plans... this is much like leaving a relationship that's no longer functional... after you've tried and gave it your best.

I recall my professor telling us... the entire class

”dont be rigid ... don't be rigid... be flexible”

Glad I could help. Please forgive my typing mistakes. I've been typing on my phone, in bed, and without my contacts. Not an easy task.

My schooling was a bit heavy on the psychology simply because I loved it. I chose nursing instead of counseling because I'd be rotten at it. In my grandfathers only partially joking words "You'd get a suicidal patient in and say. 'You failure. You tried three times and still haven't succeeded?'" I really wouldn't but eventually my mouth would get me in trouble. It usually does. That's why ER is so great for me. I never have the same annoying patient two shifts in a row. I can bite back my words around anyone for 12 hours.

PS. In some ways your instructor was likely right. Have you ever seen the damage strong winds do to trees? Older hardwood trees often break, but younger, more flexible trees just bend in the high winds. (I couldn't resist adding a metaphor)

Hahaha. No worries on the typing errors. I'm making some typos and errors as well, attributed to similar reasons.