I need advice about cocaine addiction

Specialties Psychiatric

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Specializes in OB, M/S, HH, Medical Imaging RN.

My son in law is 36 years old. He and my daughter are expecting their first baby in 3 months. I'll call him David. David was a cocaine addict when he was in his early 20's and got caught stealing items from someone's home, got arrested and was offered rehab in lieu of jail time. He went to rehab for 3 months. A year or so ago I started to see signs that he was using cocaine. The constant runny nose, etc. He adamantly denied using cocaine. He fell asleep on our couch and I cut some of his hair and had it tested and yes it was positive for cocaine. They were engaged and the time and my daughter was furious with me. She believed him. Once faced with the truth she broke up with him. About 9 months ago he called her to apoligize for all the wrong he had done to her, lying etc.....one thing led to another and she ended up pregnant. I didn't want them to get married and neither did his parents but they insisted. They live with us because they together don't make enough money to be on their own. My daughter is 24 years old and works full-time. David floats from job to job, claims he has alot of bills, claims his check only covers his bills and his gas. July 11th we went to Floriday for 10 days. After we got home we got a bill for a "sex line chat call ($3.50/min) for a total of $125.00 I asked my daughter. Where were you guys at 9:00 pm on the 19th. She said mama that's the day I had my root canal and I had taken a pain pill and was knocked out for the rest of the day and night. He never said he didn't do it but implied that he didn't. He then said "well I'm not admitting any guilt but since it happened while we were here I'll pay it" (Good luck to me trying to collect). My daughter now realizes that David did make that call. I told her it was equivelent to cheating. Talking to a woman on a live sex line. Also how inconsiderate to make a charge like that to us who have been so good to them and given them a roof over their heads. There's also been an issue with him saying he was outside asleep on the hammock the other night at 0300 but I had let the dogs out and he was not in the hammock. I think he was gone doing/buying cocaine. When I confronted him he denied doing any drugs. (He denied it a year ago also when indeed he was guilty) I said you have not been to any rehab, you don't go to therapy, you don't go to NA meetings. How did you just quit cold turkey and never gone back to drugs? Don't you have cravings to use? He said that our daughter and his

son who is on the way is all he needs to think about to keep himself off of cocaine. He said I swear on their lives that I'm not doing anything. That's a very strong statement but I don't believe him. What are the chances that a cocaine addict can stop using without rehab or anything? I am going to ask him for a drug test. If he refuses, of course he's guilty. What is the best method of testing. I know he can get around the urine drug screen because he did before. Should I demand hair or should I draw his blood. If it's positive I will throw his butt out and I am 99% sure my daughter would not go with him. I have already told her that if they do move out with the baby that I would go to court to get temporary custody of the baby and that I would win because judges don't leave babies with coke addicts. I know my daughter would come home with the baby. I have been a basket case for a week or more and don't know where to turn or even what to think? What do I say to my daughter. She said she believes him and she doesn't think she's being naive. She's only 24, pregnant, and she does love him. I do believe he loves her too. I think he's an addict and cannot help himself. Please help with any opinions or information that you have. Thanks so very much Joanna

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He's not going to quit unless he decides that he wants to, and, as long as he's living in your house and being supported by your daughter, he has no reason to. I wouldn't even worry about testing; I would just assume he is using, based on his behavior (which, BTW, you certainly don't have to put up with in your own home!)

My best advice (as a psych and chemical dependency nurse x 20 years) is to find out when/where Al-Anon meets in your area, and GO. Try to get your daughter to go with you. Al-Anon is the "sister" organization of AA, founded by the wife of the man who founded AA, and it is for family members & loved ones of people with addiction problems. You will find people there who can offer you support, information, and good advice on how to keep his problems from screwing up your life. Although not everyone finds it helpful, I've seen it help a lot of people over the years.

If Al-Anon is not listed in your local telephone book, you can call the number for AA, and they can tell you when/where the local Al-Anon groups meet.

Also, BTW, I wouldn't issue any ultimatums or threats about going for custody of the baby; it's actually v. difficult to get a court to award custody (even temporary) to someone other than the natural parent(s) -- judges "leave babies with coke addicts" all the time ...

Best wishes for you and your daughter --

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well, first i would like to say that i'm sorry about what you are going through :crying2: . i can relate because my best friend use to be a cocaine addict. it's a horrible situation. it was tough being her friend too but i've known her for what seems like forever so i just couldn't give up. your son in law isn't going to stop unless he wants too, but i believe it is possible to stop "cold turkey", well, at least my friend was able to. i ended up taking her on vacation for 2 weeks, no cocaine, and she was okay.

in your situation however, when what he is doing is effecting your daughter and your grandchild. i think i would kick him out, it might be tough but without free rent... he might have to spend him money on room and board and not cocaine. let the choice be his. :uhoh21:

~crystal

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The bigger question is why is it that your daughter is attracted to him? I doubt she's hanging around an addict without enabling the situation in some way. If you have to invade his privacy and cut his hair while he's sleeping...that's pretty darn sad.

Seems like you need to give your daughter and her "man" a dose of tough love - why are they in your house charging up bills? Addictions are tough, but you need to let your daughter make her own decisions and find her own place and handle her relationship. Be there for her if things get too terrible, but she is an adult.

Good luck

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Specializes in OB, M/S, HH, Medical Imaging RN.
The bigger question is why is it that your daughter is attracted to him? I doubt she's hanging around an addict without enabling the situation in some way. If you have to invade his privacy and cut his hair while he's sleeping...that's pretty darn sad.

I will ignore that remark thank you. My daughter is 24 years old. David is very nice looking, very well mannered, says all the right things, "everyone" thinks he's just the perfect man. You have to invade his privacy and cut his hair because he denies everything and says exactly what he knows you want to hear. It is pretty damm sad for sure. That's the basis of my problem. I don't want my daughter hurt. She truely believes in him. He appears to treat her like a queen but behind her back he is leading a different life. My daughter was destroyed the first time she found out that he indeed was a cocaine addict, it took her a year to get over him. Now she's pregnant, married and so very much believes him. I fought their marriage but it was what she wanted. Being of age there wasn't much I could do but be supportive. I'm going to ask him to be drug tested and see what his reaction is.

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Please understand that I didn't mean to disrespect you.

I just think that if he was a teenager and you were his parent - you would be within your right to cut his hair while he was sleeping and get it tested without his permission. The whole idea of that seems illegal - but anyway.....

Good luck with your situation.

I will ignore that remark thank you. My daughter is 24 years old. David is very nice looking, very well mannered, says all the right things, "everyone" thinks he's just the perfect man. You have to invade his privacy and cut his hair because he denies everything and says exactly what he knows you want to hear. It is pretty damm sad for sure. That's the basis of my problem. I don't want my daughter hurt. She truely believes in him. He appears to treat her like a queen but behind her back he is leading a different life. My daughter was destroyed the first time she found out that he indeed was a cocaine addict, it took her a year to get over him. Now she's pregnant, married and so very much believes him. I fought their marriage but it was what she wanted. Being of age there wasn't much I could do but be supportive. I'm going to ask him to be drug tested and see what his reaction is.
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I still say, why bother with testing? You are not a court of law -- you don't have to consider him "innocent until proven guilty." You can assume he is using based on his behavior and past history of lying about it ... You certainly don't have to allow him to stay in your home and take advantage of you, and your daughter, who is (at 24) an adult who has made her own choices despite your good advice, can decide, when you kick him out of the house, whether she wants to go with him or not.

Sneaking into his room and trying to cut a lock of his hair while he's asleep could (if he's really as clever and as much of a jerk as you describe) end up with you being charged with assault & battery. I would not put myself in that position and take the risk. You don't need concrete proof; it is entirely up to you whether he is welcome in your home or not, and you don't have to justify that decision to anyone -- you could refuse to allow him to live with you because you don't like his table manners, and you would be completely within your rights to do so ...

At this point, you are protecting them both from the natural negative consequences of their choices and behaviors, and that just enables them to continue the behaviior(s). Neither of them has any incentive to change anything. If your daughter didn't learn her lesson about this guy the first time, maybe she will learn it this time ... Are you really doing her a favor by "helping" her stay in a bad marriage?

I don't mean to sound harsh or critical of you or your daughter, but, in a situation involving alcohol or drug abuse/addiction, all the usual things we are accustomed to doing because we care about people and want to help just make the situation worse (or, at least, ensure that it won't get better). Again, I strongly recommend you (and your daughter, if she's willing) get involved in Al-Anon. Best wishes --

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Specializes in PeriOp, ICU, PICU, NICU.

i am so so so sorry you are going through this :crying2: , i am not a parent so can't advice you much. you will however be in my prayers, may the lord bless you and your son always.

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Specializes in ER, ICU, L&D, OR.

1 contact Al Anon

2. kick him out on the street

3. stop enabling his behaviour

I will say a prayer for your daughter she deserves better than this coke using lowlife.

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Specializes in OB, M/S, HH, Medical Imaging RN.
Please understand that I didn't mean to disrespect you.

I just think that if he was a teenager and you were his parent - you would be within your right to cut his hair while he was sleeping and get it tested without his permission. The whole idea of that seems illegal - but anyway.....

Good luck with your situation.

Thank you kharing, I understand now what you meant. We did cut his hair about a year ago (my daughter did) because he refused to and we wanted to know for sure. I would never do that again! At the time I allowed her to do so because it was the only way I could prove to her that he was using. Now that she's knows his history of lying about using is possible it will be up to her to "ask" for a hair sample. If he refuses then we assume he is guilty.

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Specializes in OB, M/S, HH, Medical Imaging RN.
I still say, why bother with testing? You are not a court of law -- you don't have to consider him "innocent until proven guilty." You can assume he is using based on his behavior and past history of lying about it ... You certainly don't have to allow him to stay in your home and take advantage of you, and your daughter, who is (at 24) an adult who has made her own choices despite your good advice, can decide, when you kick him out of the house, whether she wants to go with him or not.

I had a long talk with her today and she assures me that she would not move out without him without him first passing a drug test. I reminded her that this is something she is going to have to consider for the remainder of her marriage, how ever long that should be, his mother tried talk her out of marrying her son. She knows him only too well. Your post sounds alot like her. She said to me just yesterday the same thing. You don't need a reason just kick his butt out. The reason I don't is my daughter and grandson due in 3 months. If I throw him out without a drug test she will go with him and they have absolutely nowhere to go. His parents will not take him back in.

I believe in my heart she would be better off getting it over with now, kicking him out and getting a divorce but she is a wide-eyed 24 year old who believes the baby will change everything. I assured her she and the baby will always be welcomed and supported here at home if things don't work out.

At this point, you are protecting them both from the natural negative consequences of their choices and behaviors, and that just enables them to continue the behaviior(s). Neither of them has any incentive to change anything. If your daughter didn't learn her lesson about this guy the first time, maybe she will learn it this time ... Are you really doing her a favor by "helping" her stay in a bad marriage?

I am protecting my pregnant daughter, I don't care what happens to him. I'm hoping he'll OD or something and that will be the end of that. I know that sounds harsh but that's how I feel.

I don't mean to sound harsh or critical of you or your daughter, but, in a situation involving alcohol or drug abuse/addiction, all the usual things we are accustomed to doing because we care about people and want to help just make the situation worse (or, at least, ensure that it won't get better). Again, I strongly recommend you (and your daughter, if she's willing) get involved in Al-Anon. Best wishes --

I'm sure there's been alot of success stories with Al-Anon but I have been to several different groups and got absolutely nothing out of it. Everyone at different meetings were "poor pitiful me, I'm the victim, I can't do anthing" I believe that I have to be in control. Nobody can change the addict but the addict himself but I can change myself. That is what I have tried to convey to my daughter. She can't change him but she can change herself and her situation and I'll always be here for her.

Thanks to those of you who are praying for my daughter and her baby.

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I had a long talk with her today and she assures me that she would not move out without him without him first passing a drug test.

I wonder if he knows you think he's using again? If he knows the scoop, he might make a trip to "the head shop" and buy one of those drinks that guarantee that you can pass a urine drug test.

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