I need advice about cocaine addiction - page 3

My son in law is 36 years old. He and my daughter are expecting their first baby in 3 months. I'll call him David. David was a cocaine addict when he was in his early 20's and got caught stealing... Read More

  1. by   cynt77
    Hi Dutchgirl
    I am sorry to hear that you are going through these things. I understand my uncle and cousin are both crack addicts. One thing that I must say is I applaude you for trying to help your daughter and unborn granchild. But being that I have addicts in my family I know what a strain it can cause on relationships. What I am saying is continue to be there for your daughter but please don't push her to far. I know this is a very stressful time for her right now and I am sure she is feeling like she is in the middle between her husband and mother. I know that you are focused on son in law and are angry as hell but don't forget the feelings of your little girl I hope the two of you have good communication between the two of you & good luck.
  2. by   DutchgirlRN
    Quote from bluenote
    i think you may have misunderstood my post. i didn't say he was another scott peterson.
    Bluenote, no I didn't misunderstand. I know you didn't mean that my son-in-law could be a murderer. I took it more that yes, Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde personality is a reality and seems the case with him. That is scary enough when you think about him being your daughters husband and father to your grandchild. I know he would never physically hurt them. Emotionally, financially, you bet cha!
  3. by   bluenote

    no worries. i was reffering to traumahawk about misunderstanding the post though i'm certainly glad you didn't!

    Quote from DutchgirlRN
    Bluenote, no I didn't misunderstand. I know you didn't mean that my son-in-law could be a murderer. I took it more that yes, Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde personality is a reality and seems the case with him. That is scary enough when you think about him being your daughters husband and father to your grandchild. I know he would never physically hurt them. Emotionally, financially, you bet cha!
  4. by   Thunderwolf
    DutchgirlRN, I'm also sorry for the chaos you're placed in. I very much agree with Bluenote's, NurseRatchet's and CharlieRN's observations and recommendations. In a nutshell, with addicts like this...the charming devils...the old saying that always comes to my mind is...
    "Liar, liar, pants on fire".
    We all know this guy is going to use, baby/child in the family or not really doesn't matter. Young women also often believe that a baby will make it all better, which often isn't the case, but makes it more complicated and even more emotional and difficult. Hey, the guy has chose his mistress...his drug. Your daughter and your grandchild will always come second (if not last) as long as he is using...which sounds pretty bleak. I'm very sorry. But, the man can't be trusted, regardless of the words that spew out of his mouth. Another old saying which seems to apply here is...
    "The proof is in the pudding".
    So far, all he has been dishing out is tartar sauce.
    Oh DutchgirlRN, you have my heart. You really do.
    Last edit by Thunderwolf on Aug 14, '05
  5. by   mercyteapot
    All you can do is be there for your daughter when she fully sees the light. In the meantime, no way no how are drug addicts allowed in my house, and I'd kick him to the curb. Despite your good intentions, you are still enabling him. If your daughter chooses to go with him, that is an unfortunate mistake from which she will someday learn.
  6. by   BCzito
    I've done cocaine addiction research for 5 years now (on animals) and am very familiar with clinical research as well. I think he is still using. I think you should test his hair, just make sure YOU cut it or he does it in front of you. Anything is possible, but it is extremly difficult just walk away from it. The way cocaine has its addictive hold is because it makes the things you like or love into things that are to amazing for words. example: your favorite fast food becomes better than the best thanksgiving dinner you could imagine, love making becomes better than anything you ever experienced, basically anything that you already enjoy becomes 10000000000 million times better.. who could walk away from that without help, not to mention after prolonged use your receptors just stop fuctioning properly and you can't even enjoy regular things that you once liked. In addition, I have found with my research that external cues are HUGE with coke. Especially smell. They see a shirt that reminds them of their dealer, and they temporarily experience the same level of excitement and anticipation as if they were about to score cocaine.
    With a drug this powerful you need to use strict "tough love" , I mean animals who are programed by birth to preserve their own survival by any means will choose cocaine over eating and drinking. with that kind of pull on a person cocaine is very very difficult to quit. In my opinion it would be next to impossible to quit. Make a pact with your daughter that if he is positive that he has to get out of the house, and that the only time that they will see eachother is at an NA meeting. Tell them to plan to meet there (she can go as a support) and then make sure she truly leaves after its over and doesn't give him any extra time. (maybe drop her off and pick her up) She will hopefully be on board for something like that since both her and her baby's future are at stake. If he doesn't like NA then some type of therapy or rehab is needed. Oh and one other thing, If he has time to lay on a hammock then he has time to get another job to meet the expenses he needs to get a place and pay for bills. I am 22 years old, I live in Boston a very expensive city, my job paid 12.30 cents an hour and I have a 600 dollar a month rent about 70 bucks in utilities and need to by food, and paid for health insurance and still had money left over for entertainment. so trust me he is pulling your leg. He needs to get out and learn what it means to truly work hard and be a responsible person, if he does he may also find there is no room for drugs in his life (or money) good luck! you face a truly difficult challege.

    take care!
  7. by   DutchgirlRN
    Thanks Thunderwolf and everyone, I did it last night. I told him to get out. I did drug test him. Of course it only shows 24-36 hours. He did test positive for marijuana. I told him sorry bud, marijuana is illegal just the same and your butt ends up in jail just the same, you take my daughter to buy drugs and have her sit in the car, you smoke it and drive her home stoned. The topper was the live sex chat phone call he made for 22 minutes and charged to my phone. $130 while my daughter needs a new tire for her car and he cares more about his penis. Hate to be graphic but it's true. My daughter has had a strange reaction. She is staying here until they get an apartment (yeah good luck) and yes his Mom didn't invite them to live with her, but she's not at all upset with me, she doesn't seem worried, she seems strangely calm. I think she's so in denial or she doesn't want to admit she's made a mistake. I heard her talking to a friend on phone something like "I have to think about my marriage", when she saw me she quickly changed the subject. I'm rambling now but I did it, I threw his butt out the door! Yeah me!
  8. by   Spidey's mom
    Wow, good job! A difficult one but you did it!

    You have to stand up for yourself and your daughter. But here's the rub . .......we don't own what our kids choose to do so please do not blame yourself if your daughter doesn't do the right thing, right away.

    I'm proud of you.

    I have some experience too . .. so I feel for you.

  9. by   Thunderwolf
    DutchgirlRN, I am also very proud of you. You have given your daughter the role model she needed...to set a healthy boundary, especially with a little one on the way. We can only hope that she will reflect upon this moment in the future in that there is no shame and no need for excuses in taking care of oneself (and family) from this type of addictive and pathological personality. You have many hugs from me, my girl, for doing a great job.
    Last edit by Thunderwolf on Aug 14, '05
  10. by   Frosty
    Dutchgirl: I too am proud of you.

    I myself was addicted (crack and heroin). To put it in a nutshell, I had a TRUE FRIEND and I told him to tie me up to the bed and leave me. He did (and checked on me as necessary) but basically, I quit cold turkey rather than bring my addiction back home with me.

    I just say this because even with addiction, I believe there exists free will and choice. Until he makes the right one, forget it!!!
  11. by   Thunderwolf
    Frosty, you are so right. It often comes down to making better choices, despite the difficulties, and sticking with them. If you are out of control and can't help yourself out of injurious behavior such as significant drug addiction, you will do whatever it takes to turn your life around...even tying yourself to a bed. Bravo to you and to your friend. This is the difference between you and DutchgirlRN's son-in-law. It's like day and night.
  12. by   Thunderwolf
    DutchgirlRN, by the way, I'd still hold him responsible for the $130 phone bill made on your bill. I'd hold something of HIS (that is in your house) for collateral till he cough's up the cash...even if he pays it off over a long period of time. Make a written agreement to state such time frame which is to be signed (with an impartial witness). If he default's, the item is yours by written agreement. Then, sell it. If he says he doesn't want it, good...it's yours. Have him sign a hand written agreement to the same with an impartial witness being present (better yet, a notary) who also signs (Oh, and not your daughter). You sign too. Date and time it. Keep the agreement in a safe place. Sell the item to recover your loss. The point is that he sort of robbed/took advantage of you in your own house. Just a thought. Holding the addict responsible for his behavior is important. Just an idea. Again, Congrats to you!!!
    Last edit by Thunderwolf on Aug 15, '05
  13. by   DutchgirlRN
    I have a copy of the bill and a note from the company who recorded his name at the beginning of the phone call. Proof Positive he could not refute. I threatened to turn it over to his pastor and devulge all. The next day, surprise, he had $130.00. I like your idea, he still owes me $500 which he borrowed to buy the wedding rings, (should have been a clue to me, anyway,) I'm trying to think of something that is worth $500 to him. Thanks for the info.