Anyone have an "unsupportive mate"?

opradiva · Feb 9, 2007

Been there, done that, you don't know. YES I have self esteem. YES I love myself. It's nothing to do with that. It has to do with the fact that I just moved here (in this part of town) in October and just to dedicate myself to the career of nursing, I'm trying to get everything right in every part of my life. Not everyone has a perfect life. Not everyone has a perfect support system. Doesn't mean we love ourselves any less; just means we work harder. I was just trying to identify with anyone else in this perfect world that might not have a support system and is in the same boat as me.

Yes, and I've been there, too. That's why I wrote what I wrote. I can definitely identify with you.

If you know that your issues have to do with 'the fact that you just moved to a bew part of town in October to dedicate yourself to nursing', then why did you ask for opinions and advice? It's sounds like you didn't get the kind of advice YOU were looking for. Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'll say it again, if you allow a loved one to call you names and belittle you, you don't think too highly of yourself. I can say this without pause...because I've been there, done that.

:Melody: opradiva

opradiva · Feb 9, 2007

I too am obese. However, if hubby likes his nice warm house, he'd better not comment on it - lol. It's not a matter of the definition of "fat" or "obese." It is the sentiment behind it - that of a put-down. That is wrong.

I agree. Hubby was not calling her fat to say that she had a weight problem, which it sounds like she does not. He meant it to hurt her, and that is wrong!

To the OP, allnurses.com is all about support. I have received so much help here, I can't even begin to tell you. I hate to think that you took my comments as judgement. I just hate the thought of women always being the caterer...to their husband, to their children...and then putting themselves last. Believe me, I speak from experience. I, myself, was in an abusive relationship that kept me from completing my first degree 5 years ago. My mother was the same way. When will it be YOUR turn? I hope you are able to put yourself first, get that degree, take care of yourself and your family, and make your life as 'perfect' as it can possibly be.

:Melody: opradiva

stpauligirl · Feb 9, 2007

Not tryin to ruffle any feathers... but does anyone have NO support? Am I overstepping? Tell me. My husband calls me fat (I'm 5'5" and 156 pounds with 5 kids)- says college is easy- he calls me names- he says if you can't afford the tuition/product/supplies that come with nursing- you shouldn't be in it... just tired girls... and need some POSITIVITY because he will not get me down. Gotta work til 3:00 am and be in class at 10:00am ( 1-1/2 hour public transportation to class). Haven't slept in 31 hours- be my light at the end of the tunnel... Please?

My ex husband was a real jerk....called me fat, didn't want me to get a GED (I am from a foreign country and had to start from scratch when I first got here). He didn't want me to work in any job other than the military exchange where the pay is minimum wage. When I got my GED he said it didn't count because I never went to High School in the US. One day I just had enough and filed for divorce.....I am sooooo glad that I did. I am remarried and my "new" husband ( going on 13 years) helps me anyway he can.

Try to ignore him, don't do more for him than you absolutely have to... have an escape plan just in case he gets physical and keep your goal right in front of you. Persue your dream don't matter what and when you get your nursing license get a divorce immediately.....

CHATSDALE · Feb 9, 2007

some men like CONTROL...if you drop out he will never let you forget it . you will be a 'failure' and he will rub your nose in it forever

how old are your children..can they step up and help with daily chores? do you have any family members who would be willing to help with transportation give you some break time with children

i know that many changes is hard on the family but don't allow him to insult you in front of the children, don't get into a shouting match that will excerbate the problem and make it worse...your children are in the middle and it is confusing: they can see the problem but they are helpless to do anything to 'fix' it

do seek counseling if he is the kind to listen to a third party it may hlep

sdmommie · Feb 9, 2007

Not tryin to ruffle any feathers... but does anyone have NO support? Am I overstepping? Tell me. My husband calls me fat (I'm 5'5" and 156 pounds with 5 kids)- says college is easy- he calls me names- he says if you can't afford the tuition/product/supplies that come with nursing- you shouldn't be in it... just tired girls... and need some POSITIVITY because he will not get me down. Gotta work til 3:00 am and be in class at 10:00am ( 1-1/2 hour public transportation to class). Haven't slept in 31 hours- be my light at the end of the tunnel... Please?

Hang in there...you know the truth...you're not fat, college isn't easy, and most people can't "afford" it. Sometimes husbands get cranky/mean when they think that we might not need them. You're strong enough to get through it, just take it one day at a time. Your kids will see how hard you are working and appreciate the sacrifices you've all made. It'll be worth it in the end. Don't give up!

GardenDove · Feb 9, 2007

I admire you for having the guts to do all this with 5 kids and a husband who tears you down. Once you're through you can evaluate your marriage, empowered by having your RN. Meanwhile, you'll make it!

JDLAStew · Feb 9, 2007

My situation is sorta the same--just not quite as bad. My hubby didn't want me going back to school. I have a BS degree now and basically that is all it is...BS. Maybe somewhere other than WV it might do me some good (it's in Health Care Administration), but my family is here and I don't want to leave. He didn't want me back in school--wanted to be the provider and for me to be the stay at home momma. But let's be realistic--it's hard to make it on one income these days whether you are in upstate NY or rural WV. So I went back on a whim--registered on a Thursday, classes started the following Monday. We had to put our son in day care for the first time and it was horrible. He's picked up some not so nice habits and a few "cooties" and with every "bad" thing my hubby blames the going back to school and our boy being in daycare. He makes weight jokes now...I was big before but I'm a stress eater and managed to gain even more weight last semester. I'm doing weight watchers and curves now but that's beside the point. And if it's test week and the house is a mess that is ALL I hear. Laundry, dishes, picking up...it all gets behind and he won't help because he says "he works and I don't." Does he know how hard this stuff is? And last semester I managed a 4.0 so I work HARD (much harder than the 1st time around). And when I was stressing over the NLN and studying and fretting for it...he blew it off like it was no big deal. Saying it doesn't matter, you don't HAVE to go to nursing school. Like this past yr. of pre-reqs was nothing! Granted my problem isn't as huge as the first poster, and forgive me, after my rant I've forgotten your SN, but having support would be nice from your "mate." If he could help out with the house or the kid...or ANYTHING it'd be great! Shew..alright my vent is done.

DermNP2Be · Feb 9, 2007

opradiva, 1st of all let me take this opportunity to apologize. I was frustrated, tired and since I pretty much keep everything in to avoid confrontation, every now and then my demons tend to excape. I am truly touched by everyone on this board that has shared their stories and insights with me. After getting 5 hours of sleep, and waking up to all the support offered here, I feel soooo much better. My 5 kids (ages 17, 16, 14, 12, and 9) do help some around the house, although they do tend to be a little lazy :) and they love the fact that I'm in college. They miss me some as I'm either always at school, work or studying, but I always tell them "just 2 more years".

hairtocare · Feb 9, 2007

My hubby doesn't call me fat, although I am technically obese. But, his first wife was a stripper, yep, you heard me right. Can you believe that, I constantly think of that. Let me tell you, that stinks. He is supportive in his own mind, but not the way I need. Same th ing as with you guys, no help with our son, no help around the house, make a mess while I am at school or work, its after 11 when I come home, and I walk into a disaster. He can'e even help out by packing his own lunch or getting his coffee ready for the morning or even washing his own thermos. It gets maddening. I have a decent payig job, but I hate it. He thinks I should just concentrate on where I am at now. He doesn't tell me not to do the schooling, but he's far from my cheerleader. I think we just need to remind ourselves that we are doing this for us and our children. Maybe the more we have to go through and the harder we have to work will just make us appreciate our success that much more.

To the origional poster, you're not alone girl, most of us have our own demons to deal with, maybe just a little different than yours. Keep your head up and your feet moving forward. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I love my hubby and my family, but in the end, all we have is ourselves. Give your kids a kiss and then a kick in the rear end, and tell them to step it up a notch, time for Mom to get some help. Mine is only 3, or he would be helping, supportive hubby or not. Good luck and work hard.

LovebugLPN · Feb 9, 2007

Just remember education opens doors. I went through nursing school and after graduation took my son and left my husband. I was no longer afraid because I knew that with an LPN (hope to get RN someday) I could go anywhere and always have a job. Keep your head held high and you will make it.

medhead · Feb 9, 2007

Sometimes with people like your husband when they sense that you are getting your life together and gaining the ability to support yourself they start acting out even more than usual as they sense the loss of control over you...

Isn't that the truth! That type of behavior is merely a reflection of their own insecurities and issues and has very little to do with the actual person it's directed at. It's certainly not a valid excuse though nor is it a working solution to getting that needed emotional support destined2bCRNA, good on ya for recognizing what you need and seeking it in a constructive manner rather than just completely floundering. It's that tenacity and drive that's going to get you through this period in your life and standing strongly on your own two feet! Stay focused, girl, and keep plugging away...one day at a time!

prinsessa · Feb 9, 2007

My DH is supportive, but for a while my dad was not supportive at all. He would tell me that college was a waste of time (because he never used his degree) and even told me a couple of times that "put on some weight". I am 5'9 and was 162 lbs at the time. I think he was just upset about his life because he is an alcoholic and can't take care of himself (I am the one who takes care of his finances right now). Thankfully now he doesn't say things like that anymore and even tells me he is proud of me (in his own way). I know it hurts when people talk to you like that, but it is because of their own insecurities. I just wanted to send you some ((((HUGS)))) and tell you that I understand. Good luck with everything!