You Know You're a Nurse When...
I know many of you have heard or read some like these...but here are some I haven't seen before. Some made me LOL. Hope you enjoy them!
The front of you read 'Nurses...here to save your a**, not kiss it!'
You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.
You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'
You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan).
You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time.
You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist... because you work with a##holes.
It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you.
You ever told a patient he didn't need to be dead to donate an organ.
You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance".
When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; ....when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
You believe sick people don't $itch.
You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
You can't cure stupid.
You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn't back up.
You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.
You believe there is no such thing as a "textbook case
You believe just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your behind covered!
You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.
To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.
You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
You've ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)
You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them
You believe the best patients are SIR...Sedated, Intubated and Restrained
You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience
You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.
You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'
You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.
You no longer have a gag reflex.
You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.
You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.
You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True --a doctor friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes.
You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk
You use the phrase "Turn and Baste" and you are nowhere near a kitchen
You know you are a night nurse when:
You are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night daylight savings time goes into effect.
You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep
You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.
You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.
You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
You think Real friends help you move dead bodies.
You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorine
You believe experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.
You tell cops where to go without fear!
You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.
You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'
You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her veins when you try to find one she hasn't already used, to start an IV
You believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just a##holes.
You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom
You use CTD for very-soon expectant terminal 'no code' patients. (circling the drain).
You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)
You believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN
You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots
Everything only happens all at once.
You've ever referred to a suicide-attempt victim as an FTF (Failure to Fly)
You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)
You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.
Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving you than he can.
You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.
You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.
You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.
You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation.
You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.
You don't have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.
You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.
After spending the night with surgeons, they still won't respect you in the morning.
You don't eat before driving to work because you want to be an "easy intubation" if you are in an accident.
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.
You believe, in medicine, to always remember never to say always and never.
Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they piss you off.
The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not!
You believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia
You can identify the following Syndromes:
F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)
A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)
W.O. T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money
You have a PD patient who whips out their catheter and announces unless they get their way they'll pee all over you.
You refer to ammonia capsules as a "seizure-cure."
You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil
You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The A##) precautions!
Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is
Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"
You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or "genetically challenged."
You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.
Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
You believe in PPP as a diagnosis - Piss Poor Protoplasm
You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.
If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.
You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."
You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.
You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.
You don't ask "frequent flyers' their history, you know it by heart.
You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."
You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet
You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize.
You've ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured your drink from a Urimeter container.
You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of "tracks" added to estimated days without a bath!
Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold
You make up acronyms so non-medical people won't know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, TSTL...(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Too Stupid To Live)
You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status
You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
You believe the 'On-call Nurse' program is a satanic plot
You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered
Your most common assessment question at 2 am is "Why is this an emergency now?"
You have used the phrase' health care reform' to terrify your co-workers
You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed
You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You've had pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, well get to you in 3 days)
You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group
You know the local detox center number by heart
You believe the lab should have a 'dumb sh#t' profile on the lab requisition slip
You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis
You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project.
You find humor in other people's stupidity
Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat
You believe chocolate is a food group
You believe a good tape job will fix anything
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants
You can identify the "Positive-teeth-to-Tattoo" Ratio
Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change
You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt
You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see
You have your weekends off planned a year in advance
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia....and they list numerous allergies (except Demerol or Morphine)
You believe that "Shallow gene pool" should be a recognized medical diagnosis
You have discovered a new condition called "Hypo-Xanax-emia"
You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"
You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "Smurf"
You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine
You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"
You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc....) there?"
You have ever issued a "dead head" alert
You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience
You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hope
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food
Your bladder expands roughly to same capacity as a Winnebago's water tank
Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's
Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard
You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol
Your idea of a CT prep includes Pavulon and a vent
You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine
You call burn victims "crispy critters"
You call subcutaneous emphysema Rice KrispiesLast edit by Joe V on Apr 18, '18
Joined: Mar '01; Posts: 5,603; Likes: 174
Enterprise Application Systems Analyst
Specialty: 27 year(s) of experience in Everything except surgeryMay 7, '02You refer to Diprivan as Milk of Amnesia.
You panic when doing the narc count and find there is no Ativan
(IV) or Versed.
Ask a doctor for PBAB (pine box at bedside) order.May 8, '02Your reply to the pt who asks "have you ever done this before?" r(referring to starting an IV) is "I saw it done once on an episode of ER"May 14, '02You know you're a nurse when...after changing an abdominal dressing that you had to irrigate, pack and dress, you go to lunch to discuss the how the wound is healing, and what organs you can see when it's open.May 14, '02If you've ever had a patient say... "I dunno, I fell on it," or "I must have rolled over onto it in my sleep," or "I don't even LIKE zucchini!"May 19, '02found these also:
You invent a new game called "specimen, specimen, who's got the specimen?"
Suddenly, anesthesia's jokes are actually FUNNY.
Using discarded glove wrappers and saline bottles, you have created a mixed media replica of the Eiffel Tower.
You figure out how to reprogram the new EKG monitor and have now set a new world record score for Pong.May 23, '02The Christmas Tree in the ER waiting room is decorated with items off the supply cart-no syringes of course! Don't want anyone to think Santa came early!May 23, '02During dinner, you are the only one in the family not allowed to discuss how your day went at work.
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