As many of you may know, SF General Hospital is experiencing layoffs due to the city budget. This tongue-in-cheek memo was posted in our unit, and lightened the mood a bit:
To: All Hospital Staff
Subject: Cost-Cutting Measures
Effective March 5, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in each unit's Sure-Med as well as in the Pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, charge nurses will rotate through the parking garage. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, the ICU will now take over surveillance duties.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see from the "from" line above, administration is assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached at his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, or hedge clipper.
Due to cutbacks in phlebotomy and laboratory staff, a policy has been developed that blood tests be performed only on patients who are currently bleeding.
The Radiology staff is being reduced and physicians are informed that they may order no more than 2 X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's photo lab.
In addition to the overall recycling program, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded food products. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for the production of antibiotics. Additionally, maggot infestation of the compost will be encouraged in an attempt to develop alternative approaches to wound care that don't involve time-consuming dressing changes.