Funny things you have said but wish you didn't

Luciole · Feb 5, 2005

My first job after highschool was as a office worker at the main office/customer service area of a department store. The office was situated so that on one wall there was a window opening to the selling floor (customer service, payments, complaints etc) and on the other wall there was a window opening to the employee entrance hallway (for filling change requests and checking stock orders etc.) Across the narrow hallway from the employee window was the security office--their door and large mirrored window through which they could see into my office but I could not see into theirs.

Anyway, I had a hectic day where I was constantly on my feet running back and forth to customers, phone calls, etc. What made the hectic day particularly frustrating was the fact that I had computer work to complete by the end of my shift and I knew, all day, that I was falling behind. When things finally calmed down towards the end of the night, I sat down at the computer station between the employee and customer windows to finally get started on my hour or so of data entry.

As soon as I touched the keyboard the entire computer system crashed. In all my frustration, without even thinking, I yelled (at the computer) "Oh no, you B*ST*RD... YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO DOWN ON ME NOW!"

Immediately after this the security office errupts into laughter and I look over and realize that their door is standing wide open and the manager and staff had clearly heard what I shouted.

I eventually changed jobs within the company and that security manager became my boss. Needless to say, I NEVER lived that moment down.

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Feb 6, 2005

I managed to humiliate myself twice in one sitting---literally!---yesterday at work. I was admitting a patient who had several family members occupying all the chairs in the room, so I had to go get a stool to sit on while I started his IV.
Trouble was, rolling stools have been my nemesis all my life, and this one was no exception. You know that sinking feeling when you KNOW you're going to end up on the floor? Yep........that sucker rolled right out from under me and deposited me flat on my bum, which prompted me to yell "SH#%!!".......right in front of the patient and his family!! :imbar :imbar :imbar
Thank God they all had a sense of humor......I wasn't hurt, but I was mightily embarrassed, and the fact that the pt. let me start his IV after all that proved---to me at least---that people will forgive unprofessional behavior, as long as they get a laugh out of it. They teased me about that for the rest of the day!!

You never fail to provide a funny, Marla. Thanx for the:rotfl:

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Feb 6, 2005

Of all my faux pas', my very, very, very worst was this:
I was earnestly trying to start an IV on a pt who was horrendously difficult to stick. She was in her teens, and she and her mother anxiously observed my every move. I finally located a vein right on the top of her wrist that I thought might work. In my intense desire to not screw up this tiny, precious vein, I asked her to please cock her wrist down a little. (Does anyone see where this is going?)
Immediately she hyperflexed her wrist, flattening the vein out, and I, in all my wisdom, said, "Now I didn't want a hard cock..."
Silence........ :imbar
Oh, wait, I forgot one that may have been even worse. I remember when I was 14 or so, my parents, my best friend, and my dear sweet grandparents, now both deceased, were at a restaurant. My GPs had never been there before and as they looked over the menu carefully, I MEANT to volunteer the (at the time) ever-popular wisecrack, "They're meditating." Instead, I announced to a stunned table, as we waited for them to order, "They're masturbating." :uhoh21: :imbar I have regretted this deeply for nearly 2 decades, and still cringe when I recall it. My only consolation is that they led such sheltered lives that they likely never realized what I'd said.
To this day I have to stop and think carefully before I utter the word "meditate". :imbar :imbar :imbar

:rotfl: :rotfl: They were both good, but my favorite one is number 2.:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

NightNurseKathy · Feb 6, 2005

The Middle Wife,

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids

myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own

second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an "umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed

like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push' and 'breathe, breathe'. They started counting, but never even got past ten."

"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I

bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

sblanchet · Feb 6, 2005

Last night I took report from a nurse in the ED at another facility about a patient who was on her way to my floor. The nurse said the patient had a "history of multiple suicides". I bit my tongue.

LPN1974, LPN · Feb 8, 2005

My McDonalds story. I was waiting in the drive thru a very long time. Had my neices in the car with me. I was trying to be in a pleasant mood and when we pulled up to get our food I said " A little short handed today?" The man at the window just looked at me without responding. He starts to hand me our food. He has a deformity where both his arms basically in stubs. I was mortified.
Dead silence in the car as we pull out. My neice says "Good going Auntie". The other neices break out in laughter. I will never forget it.

Poor guy. It's funny but it isn't.

NJRNin06 · Feb 9, 2005

HAHA, I used to work in a pharmacy, and this one night we were extremely busy, going from one customer to the next. So without even looking up I ask the next one in line if I could help them...she replied "Trojans", and I immediately answer "yes they're over there on the wall", which promted her to reply "No, thats my last name, Im here to pick up my prescription!" I couldnt control myself, all the people in line heard that conversation and tried to hold back the laughter until she left! :chuckle

blue heron · Mar 8, 2005

I worked at Hardee's (fast food) when I was in high school. One shift, when I was working drive-through, a man ordered a hot fudge sundae. I asked him if he needed nuts..."No thanks, I already have some," he replied, without missing a beat. :imbar I'm blushing just recounting the story... :chuckle

Last night at bed time, I picked up an object off of my hubby's night stand and asked what it was (he is a power engineer and has all sorts af weird stuff around). He replied "a nut". "funny looking nut" says I replacing it, then notice a second one and say "oh you have two". I was half way to the door when I realized why he was trying not to laugh!!!! :chair: :smackingf

danu3 · Mar 8, 2005

The Middle Wife story is good. It reminded me when I was like 3 or 4 years old and I figured out how babies are borned. I notice my neighbor's stomach grows larger and larger. Then one day she has to go to the hospital. She then came back with a brand new baby and her big stomach is gone.

So I put 2 and 2 together and came up with this theory. She needed to go to the hospital because the baby in her stomach is getting bigger and bigger and finally it gets so big that it explodes out of the stomach. The doctors in the hospital has to catch the baby. After the baby is caught, the doctor has to sew the stomach back. This all made perfect sense to me until our families went to the beach together. The mother wore a bikini and to my great surprise, she has NO scare around her stomach area! For the life of me, I can't figure out how in the world she has no scare when the doctor obviously has to sew her stomach back...

-Dan

Pray · Mar 9, 2005

Quite a few years back, when Saturday Night Live was on and they had that skit about the "copy guy" (you know, the guy who would talk to everyone who made copies... "Cindy, the cinstress... Makin' copies...") I made a big fool of myself over the phone. My husband and his friend used to call each other on the phone during the Bucks vs. Bulls games, and they had a habit of talking to each other like that... so, when the Bucks made a score and the phone rang, I picked it up, and said, "Is this Bob?" and the man said, "Yes." I said, "Bo-ohb.. callin Dan... Bobaloba ding dong, Watching the Bulls... Bob a dog... " anyway you get the idea. After saying this and expecting laughter, I heard a long pause. I said, "This isn't Bob (last name) is it? And the man said, "No, this is Bob. Bob your neighbor, bob from church." I was VERY embarrassed and he couldn't look at me for years without laughing at me.

littlebird · Mar 9, 2005

Occasionally I bump into former patients dressed (obviously) in street clothes. I've never been good at recognizing people outside a context I'm used to seeing them. My response to these patients is often, "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you standing up with your clothes on."

LOL, I've done that one myself more than once

Before I became a nurse, I also worked at a little cafe in the small town I now live in...was at the SNF I work at now, & a former customer walked in to visit a patient, I had never seen him outside of the cafe...I of course gave him a big grin & said I'd be right there with his coffee...the look he gave me!

LPNandLUVINIT? · Mar 9, 2005

I was a waitress working my way through nursing school....the place I worked at had two kinds of fried fish, one in a dry batter one wet batter...when customers asked the difference I would say one is rolled in crumbs the other in a beer-type batter. One really busy night I said "Ones rolled in *** oops I mean crumbs" I don't think anyone in the kitchen let me live that down.....