Funny things you have said but wish you didn't - page 14

A few years ago, I was on the phone with a person from the local lumber company. having in mind to ask if they had any tar paper. But instead, toilet paper slipped out. That remark started the... Read More

  1. by   danu3
    The Middle Wife story is good. It reminded me when I was like 3 or 4 years old and I figured out how babies are borned. I notice my neighbor's stomach grows larger and larger. Then one day she has to go to the hospital. She then came back with a brand new baby and her big stomach is gone.

    So I put 2 and 2 together and came up with this theory. She needed to go to the hospital because the baby in her stomach is getting bigger and bigger and finally it gets so big that it explodes out of the stomach. The doctors in the hospital has to catch the baby. After the baby is caught, the doctor has to sew the stomach back. This all made perfect sense to me until our families went to the beach together. The mother wore a bikini and to my great surprise, she has NO scare around her stomach area! For the life of me, I can't figure out how in the world she has no scare when the doctor obviously has to sew her stomach back...

    -Dan
  2. by   Pray
    Quite a few years back, when Saturday Night Live was on and they had that skit about the "copy guy" (you know, the guy who would talk to everyone who made copies... "Cindy, the cinstress... Makin' copies...") I made a big fool of myself over the phone. My husband and his friend used to call each other on the phone during the Bucks vs. Bulls games, and they had a habit of talking to each other like that... so, when the Bucks made a score and the phone rang, I picked it up, and said, "Is this Bob?" and the man said, "Yes." I said, "Bo-ohb.. callin Dan... Bobaloba ding dong, Watching the Bulls... Bob a dog... " anyway you get the idea. After saying this and expecting laughter, I heard a long pause. I said, "This isn't Bob (last name) is it? And the man said, "No, this is Bob. Bob your neighbor, bob from church." I was VERY embarrassed and he couldn't look at me for years without laughing at me.
  3. by   littlebird
    Quote from jett01
    Occasionally I bump into former patients dressed (obviously) in street clothes. I've never been good at recognizing people outside a context I'm used to seeing them. My response to these patients is often, "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you standing up with your clothes on."

    LOL, I've done that one myself more than once
    Before I became a nurse, I also worked at a little cafe in the small town I now live in...was at the SNF I work at now, & a former customer walked in to visit a patient, I had never seen him outside of the cafe...I of course gave him a big grin & said I'd be right there with his coffee...the look he gave me!
  4. by   LPNandLUVINIT?
    I was a waitress working my way through nursing school....the place I worked at had two kinds of fried fish, one in a dry batter one wet batter...when customers asked the difference I would say one is rolled in crumbs the other in a beer-type batter. One really busy night I said "Ones rolled in *** oops I mean crumbs" I don't think anyone in the kitchen let me live that down.....
  5. by   Antikigirl
    Camp nurse, tired as heck...came into a room where I thought my supervisor was (outdoor school, so he was a school supervisor...not medical). I came in to the room (which was the house of health so my place) in my funny camo jammies I got for fun and said "walrus!!!! We are out of 'sand hanitizers' dude!"

    Little did I notice that I said sand hanitizer not hand sanitizer..but there was a meeting of ALL the big wigs from outdoor school going on (I was taking a well earned nap and a bomb blast wouldn't be able to wake me up...LOL!)...and everyone just stared at me for about a second or two and then bursted out in laughter!

    Not only is it now written as 'sand hanitizers' in our documentations now in my honor..LOL, but everyone that I know calls it that now..and has to actually think before they say it so they actually call it hand sanitizer..LOL!!!!!! (I have had paramedics and nurses complain to me that they can't help but call it sand hanitizer now!! LOL!!!!!!!!!).

    Actually I found it hillarious and basically woudn't necessarily wished I hadn't said it...I will go down in history of that camp as the "Triage the "sand hanitizer" nursie" LOL!!!!!!! What an honor (could have been worse! LOL!).
  6. by   mercyteapot
    Well, my son once informed his teacher that I said the then superintendent of our school district doesn't know his a** from his elbow (true enough statement, but probably would have been better to be sure he was out of earshot before I shared it with my husband).

    Then there was my friend, who went to buy her son and his girlfriend a camera for a Christmas gift. She asked the guy at the camera store if they carried Kotex products. Of course she meant Kodak. I wish I had been there, she said this poor young man's expression was just priceless...

    And then just yesterday at work, I called a colleague in one of my agency's other offices. The voice mail came on, and I started complaining to my office mate that I thought their message is extremely annoying. Well, turns out I was being recorded. Luckily, the person who picked up that message, who came to the agency long after that message was put on the voice mail, was kind enough to erase it (or so she says, I guess I"ll find out, lol)
    Last edit by mercyteapot on Mar 9, '05
  7. by   FranEMTnurse
    Quote from sblanchet
    Last night I took report from a nurse in the ED at another facility about a patient who was on her way to my floor. The nurse said the patient had a "history of multiple suicides". I bit my tongue.
    Hmmmm, I wonder how she managed that. Must have 9 lives. I was told I'm the woman with 9 lives once by a Nurse Practitioner, but for a real reason. I have had numerous life-threatening events.
  8. by   FranEMTnurse
    Quote from TriageRN_34
    Camp nurse, tired as heck...came into a room where I thought my supervisor was (outdoor school, so he was a school supervisor...not medical). I came in to the room (which was the house of health so my place) in my funny camo jammies I got for fun and said "walrus!!!! We are out of 'sand hanitizers' dude!"

    Little did I notice that I said sand hanitizer not hand sanitizer..but there was a meeting of ALL the big wigs from outdoor school going on (I was taking a well earned nap and a bomb blast wouldn't be able to wake me up...LOL!)...and everyone just stared at me for about a second or two and then bursted out in laughter!

    Not only is it now written as 'sand hanitizers' in our documentations now in my honor..LOL, but everyone that I know calls it that now..and has to actually think before they say it so they actually call it hand sanitizer..LOL!!!!!! (I have had paramedics and nurses complain to me that they can't help but call it sand hanitizer now!! LOL!!!!!!!!!).

    Actually I found it hillarious and basically woudn't necessarily wished I hadn't said it...I will go down in history of that camp as the "Triage the "sand hanitizer" nursie" LOL!!!!!!! What an honor (could have been worse! LOL!).
    Personally, I think sand hanitizer should be your user name.
  9. by   hello_nurse_mel
    Quote from RNtoJD
    I was working in the ER and this man was brought in --post coital cardiac arrest. He was probably about 80 yrs old. Well, unfortunately we were unable to resucitate him. About 2 hours after he was pronounced, the local HOMICIDE team came in and demanded a sperm sample. I couldn't resist the chance to be a wisea** and said, "Good luck. He's been dead for 2 hours. If you can get one then you are in the wrong profession."
    maybe this team has had LOTS of practice!!!
  10. by   Antikigirl
    Quote from Franemtnurse
    Personally, I think sand hanitizer should be your user name.
    OH man that is funny!!!!!! Sand hanitizer here..how may I help you today? LOL!!!!!!
  11. by   greenspreengs
    Quote from NightNurseKathy
    The Middle Wife,
    By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher:

    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
    myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
    second-grade classroom a few years back.

    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

    And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an "umbrella cord."

    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

    "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.

    "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed
    like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

    "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

    "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push' and 'breathe, breathe'. They started counting, but never even got past ten."

    "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I
    bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
    OH MY MY
  12. by   msonurse
    I was getting report from a nurse I did not know and she told me my patient had had a bilateral lobectomy and I looked at her and said "Oh my gosh! Both ears?!!!!!!!!" She did not think it was funny.
  13. by   LPNer
    We always call the attending Doc to get home meds ordered post op.
    I told the unit clerk, for this particluar male pt, that I did not need to talk to the Doc. (What the man was on at home would not be ordered for his post op time in the hospital.)
    Well, she called anyway because she didn't want it to be "on her" if I didn't get home meds ordered. When the Doc called, by chance my own personal Doc, all I could stand there and say was... I asked her not to call for "this pt."
    He only take Celebrex and Viagra at home.
    He responds with, "what does he need Viagra for"?
    And without thinking I blurted out, "If you really don't know I could explain it to ya..."
    After I realized what I had said it was all I could do to hang the phone up.
    Ahhh, he didn't let me though, he wanted me to tell him why I thought the man would need Viagra in the hospital!
    Ohhhhh, I was so embarrassed, and sooooo aggrivated with that unit clerk!
    And ya know what... she did the same thing to me several weeks later, same Doc. I refused to answer the phone and stated quite loudly that I had told her I didn't need to speak to him.
    The following morning, 0600 he was on the unit, as usual, chart in hand, wanting to know why?.... LOL

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