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Nurses Recovery

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im new to this site not sure yet how to navigate. I am so happy to finally find a network supporting nurses with nurses. I had worked at a local hospital for 10 years, my last year which was 2009 I decided after all the good I had done I made a huge mistake, im sure you all know where this is going. I innocently stuck a half wasted tube of Demerol into my pocket, I did this because we were so freaking busy no one could stop and waste with me. well when I discovered I had the Demerol in my pocket after work I freaked out. Well I thought ill just im it in my butt, I deserve a little relaxation. Was I so wrong, although I like to think God intervened, because all in all the abuse only lasted about 2 and a half months before I was caught. the night I was caught I was trying to gather as much Demerol as I could, I decided after that was gone I was done with it. Well of course the meds I took where from a man who had only had one dose of Demerol while being hospitalized, for some reason I knew I was going to be caught, I even prepared myself I knew it was coming. It happened April 9, 2009. I was humiliated, embarrassed and most of all so sad that I had let all my sisters down that hurt worse than anything, I was a trusted employee, very skilled at all I did, and was very proud of my profession. The problem is my license are suspended. I hate that all the good I had preformed was wiped out by this one incident. I basically ran my unit and was very trusted by my super. I had many awards and recommendations but it is all gone. Ive always wanted to be a nurse and I ruined everything. financially my family is in trouble, my husband works for 8.00 an hour and we have 2 big boys. Ive had some menial jobs at various places to supplement our income but most jobs they want to know why im still not nursing, im to ashamed and embarrassed to even acknowledge it. I had a hard time forgiving myself, but I have so that God could forgive me. I just don't know where to start to try and get back where I was? where do I start? I try calling getting put on hold or never getting a call back from the tn nursing board. it almost isn't worth it, but God has directed this path for me, its where I need to be. so of course tnpap was recommended, which is wonderful if you have money in the bank. you have to keep an account open with them for you urine screens, it makes me mad the director told me in court not to worry about the money just get my paper work done, and we would figure out how to come up with the money. Well I did go to the tnpap office for 3 hours I set and listen intently trying to understand all the hoopla in the end they ask for the money I didn't have it. I explained to the lady that I had just left the tn board of nursing and talked to the supervisor of tn pap and he told me not to worry about the money she quoted " I don't know why he tells everybody that we have no kind of funding to help with this" well you can imagine how mad I was there after sitting all day in court then spending half the night filling out paper work at the tn pap office. This program is stupid its not geared to help nursing or nurses it needs a lot of tweaking. I live in a rural area of tn and the nearest tpap approved group is over 60 miles away what am im supposed to do? I stated counseling on my own just because I knew I needed to, but had to switch because it wasn't a tnpap approved program. I have zero money to pay 15.00 for this and 50.00 for that not to mention keeping at least 1,000 dollars in your account. yes you can keep working while attending everything you need to do but 4 days out of the weeks I had to attend different sessions plus work, family, and the money needed to travel everyday. its not bad if you live in a bigger city where you can attend everything close at hand, but I cant. Please someone just tell me where to start. Its been almost 6 years, I don't drink never have as far as drugs, that stayed at the hospital. I don't look for them, have never done so. Never obtained them illegally so im having a lot of trouble calling myself an addict. even my own tnpap counselor said that im not an addict and he had no trouble writing a letting informing tnpap of this but I told him it didn't matter cause I didn't have the money to fight this. cause I know this is only going to be resolved in the court room. Im a good nurse and deserve a second chance to prove that I am that good, that I do save lives, im compassionate and love people. but that's my story and it just feels good to share it cause I feel so isolated and useless, and a failure. I was at the top and now im on foodstamps but ive learn and have been forgiven.

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God bless you but most people feel they are not addicts because they have not used illegal drugs but an addict is a person who through drug or alcohol use , life has become unmanageable and from this post your life appears unmanageable.

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Hey, and welcome. There are so many people here who will give some wonderful advice. Be prepared for honesty. It sounds like you are indeed dealing with some denial on this issue- this is normal in the early stages of this process- it all feels very unfair. You did, in fact, obtain your drugs illegally. It wasn't a mistake- it was a poor choice. The moment you used that Demerol for personal use you engaged in illegal activity. We get a softer term "diversion" ie taking a med from the hospital- and whether it was waste or not, it is stealing. This action on your part does not define your entire nursing career, you are still capable of being that great, responsible, trustworthy nurse- you just have to be monitored for a while whilst you do. This program is doable- ive been blessed to see nurses here do it- but it always takes some big adjustments and honesty on their end. We do this to ourselves and we also get to make right the wrongs we have done- and thank goodness we do because many years ago we wouldn't have this opportunity. This is a journey you get to do, not one you have to do.

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And so it begins.. You say it was only one mistake but dear it was a big one. Expect at least 5 years of monitoring at least that's what the state of Indiana would give you. It will be a long journey for you get support and dig down deep into your sole and forgive yourself. My DUI in 2011 has changed my life forever; but I did come out on top.. Best Wishes...

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Specializes in hospice.

Addicts always blame everything and everyone but themselves for their choices.

You did in fact illegally obtain and illegally use a controlled substance.

Until you admit you're an addict, you're getting nowhere with this.

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Whoa whoa whoa, addicts do not "always" blame others for their actions- this is a very far reaching generalization. I knew from the moment that I took drugs that these actions were mine and mine alone- that no one else had anything to do with this. There were many reasons I became impelled to use drugs/alcohol- but it was always a choice until it wasn't (physical dependence came into play). You are right on about the diversion being illegal. As far as the OP coming to terms with the possibility of being an addict- that is best left to the OP to determine. Labeling someone as an addict will often times chase them into a deeper hole and further away from seeking help from others who may understand them.

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Specializes in LTC, Psych, Med/Surg.
Whoa whoa whoa, addicts do not "always" blame others for their actions- this is a very far reaching generalization. I knew from the moment that I took drugs that these actions were mine and mine alone- that no one else had anything to do with this. There were many reasons I became impelled to use drugs/alcohol- but it was always a choice until it wasn't (physical dependence came into play). You are right on about the diversion being illegal. As far as the OP coming to terms with the possibility of being an addict- that is best left to the OP to determine. Labeling someone as an addict will often times chase them into a deeper hole and further away from seeking help from others who may understand them.

You said exactly what I was thinking, Twoyearnurse!!! :yes: Man, that post about "addicts always..." was like a slap in the face to me and I have been clean for almost 10 years! I took responsibility for my transgressions and have been paying the price ever since. Maybe because I didn't blame anyone else, that means I am not an addict?

:roflmao:

However, the poster does have a good point in that if we do not take responsibility for what we have done, we don't have a chance of making needed changes.

Catmom :paw:

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It sounds to me like the OP has taken responsibility in a sense for what she has experienced. What she has not done is gone through the IPN program... In order to make progress in your professional career you have to be involved in the profession.

To the OP: sounds like a pretty bad situation you are in- I would do whatever it takes to get through this program. You have choices, they might be hard but in the end your entire family will be stronger for it. Move to another city (rent a room so you don't have to commute), take out a loan for the cost of the program, etc. Make it work for you.

I am in a very lucky situation, but still the program seems unfair and is not supportive (It might help you though).

As far as taking responsibility in my life I will stay in blissful denial that I am an "addict"- Life circumstances led me to do things that broke my professional boundaries- I will not become some sort of martyr because my health problem happens to be something that is demonized.

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idk, I don't feel like an addict really. It scares me to death to be around it now. there is no temptation yet but of course im not working but I have decided if I get back to nursing I was thinking of going into school nursing or factory nursing. shoot my own son takes Adderall and im not tempted at all by it. I accept what ive done, how many days have I woken up with my eyes swollen for what ive done. I really didn't think I would make it through the depression I stayed in bed for 6 weeks wallowing in pity. My heart was dying for what I have done it still kills me. I cant explain it, its like I made it this was my direction in life and being the idiot I was its gone. this was to improve our financial situation but I blew it all to hell. really my life has been a little more manageable since I have forgiven myself weird thing is im still in touch with the girls at the hospital my super even came with me to the board and let them know she wasn't making excuses for me but it was so totally out of character for me . I haven't been on anything at all since getting fired, but if I had to take something for pain I would ie: surgery etc. I know being the person I am that I deserve a second chance, im not even tempted to obtaining anything legal or illegal. I think it helped that the abuse only lasted a couple of months. I could be dead, ive seen many of my college's die from abuse we had about 4 in one year. so I mean it was a blessing in disguise. Forgive me if I sound a little gruff but we had nurse liaisons that would dress to the nines in their nursing attire to attend these funerals saying how wonderful and compassionate they were to their patients but im alive it didn't happen to me thank God but it seems all was forgiving because of their deaths and never talked about again. Now im known as the nurse that got fired because of stealing drugs. I was once told by one of our top orthos that my name was mentioned in their office than any other. Im just dying inside. I don't know how to even start the process. thanks for you post, I really appreiciate it

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Some people you worked with will remember you for the good job you did- some will remember you at the worst moment. I had to quit comparing myself to others- some people are in these programs for DUI, others for prescription meds, I am here for diversion, others for street drugs.... You don't have to explain what happened and why (your understanding will change with time and experience).

It sounds like you have started the process- you just need to commit to the process and make it a priority above all others. Its almost like the stages of grief- of course we can be in more than one stage, and probably will revisit some of the stages. This is not a situation in which you have power to change the terms, only how you move forward and jump through the hoops.

I spent many weeks going from my bed to the sofa and back- I was unemployed and surviving off of benefits and credit cards. I thought that I would never have my life back- and I don't- surprisingly it is better than before.

Trust that you had many many years of leading yourself to success, this stumble might have been what you needed to figure out what is next in your life. You mention God- trust that this path was decided for you and is a gift if you take it.

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well no your right you don't have to do it, but if you don't your not part of the nursing world anymore. No im don't think im in denial. I know it sounds like im making a lot of excuses im telling u our funds are zero to none seriously I can afford to drive all over the place to attend all these meetings I wish I could just do the urine drops. as ive said we are in rural weakley county and I have to drive to Benton county 2 times a week each session is 20.00, then theres group which is like 50.00 a wk and then the psychiatrist 4 days aweek ill have to do this for the first year. I really am not able if I could get a whirlwind of cash I would do it in a heartbeat. I would have to drive over 200 miles a week to get to the places I need to go. I may sound selfish ive paid for this body and soul. I know I have to answer I just think tnpap needs a little tweaking. they told me in court not to worry about the money just hurry over to their office and fill out the paper work he told me we could figure something out....I ran right over there filled out 3 hours of paperwork and then was asked for money...ellen let me know really quick that we couldn't do anything until I could put 1000 dollars into my account I mean its been 6 years. test my urine I don't care I just cant afford to do it all. I hate to toot my own horn but nursing is missing out on one hell of a nurse. thanks for your honesty cause it feels good to know im not alone which is the hardest part of all.

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I also disagree for that it was a choice I made and im still deciding why I did it there was a lot of drama going on at work and home but it was still wrong. anyone at work would tell you I would be the last person on earth to do something this bad. Im still having trouble with the word addict. how come I have no desire to obtain any drug now legal or illegal. its been 6 years I have plenty of opportunities to buy whatever I want. Tn is the meth state as everyone knows. Im trying to understand myself like I said my son is on Adderall ive never been tempted to even try it and im not going to. I just want to do what I was put on this earth to do! save lives. I mean yes I would love them to slap me on the wrist who wouldn't I know I have to pay but how do you do it with no money for God sakes im on welfare. I just have to find that one person that can direct me in the right path. I do know I called the board and the lady did tell me that charges are usually dropped after 5 years but she wasn't sure since I didn't do tnpap so I tried to get in touch with the board of nursing attorney apparently im not important enough to call back. I have a book that I keep up with on how many times in the last 2 years and always got the message he would call me back never once has anyone called me

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