Please note that I don't mean to offend WHATSOEVER with what I am about to say. No, I also don't want to argue it either, because I respect anyone else's beliefs and won't try to push my beliefs on you if you don't want to hear it....ignore me if you must....(yep its a God thing, or spirituality if you will....)
In my life, I didn't think I had a problem either (actually, I knew the drug thing WAS getting out of control but I didn't want to give up my "social" drinking) (and actually you stated you probably do have a problem but aren't ready to give it up yet anyways)....ugh, I hate when I ramble and can't make my point....anyhoo. God (of my understanding) sent me a wake up call...in the form of something pretty similar to what you are going through. Yeah, I wasn't done with it, but I think a Higher Power wanted to send me a signal that it was time for a change. I feel like I could have kept using and drinking, and perhaps I would have gotten sicker, or at the least, very resistant to change.....but I got my wakeup call while I still had the WILLINGNESS to be well. Any idea of "control" you may have is usually just your disease lying to you....we don't control it, it controls us. And it wants us DEAD. period. If we wait until WE are "done with it"...we will be dead....I have a hard time believing I would have ever come to the conclusion that I needed to change on my own. I needed someone to intervene on my behalf. I needed to go to jail, court, probation, two treatment programs, monitoring with the board of nursing, what some would consider to be a "high bottom" was a low enough one for me. Today I am grateful I went through what I did to get where I am today.
I am sorry you are hurting....there is so much pain in this process....guilt, shame, embarrassment, humiliation. But know that the night is darkest before the dawn, the miracle is yet to come, it is your time. This is a GIFT to you, for you, your loved ones, for the rest of your life. I wish you peace. Come back and let us know how you are doing. ~Michelle