Why can nurses be so mean?

minneRN · Dec 5, 2004

dear weetz;

my hubbie started to laugh when i told him your response because that's what he's been telling me for the last 6 years!!!!!

we as women can be catty and just plain mean, not all, but some of us can. i'm glad to hear that someone else out there feels somewhat the same as me, but, just as directcare4me says, staying positive and nice is the best medicine. i'll try to remeber that......and maybe take a stress management course or someting too!

the other thing i wanted to add is, i'm sure you know that phrase"nurses eat their young"? well.....i think that that phrase is just an excuse for rude people with issues and unacceptable behavior. no wonder their's a nursing shortage(not that this is the only reason or anything) but jeezzzzzzzzzz, i think if i ever here that phrase again, i'll just scream! LOL.........:chuckle

thank you for sharing your thoughts with me as it makes me feel better to know that i am not alone!:)

Minne, I have often wondered the same thing. How can everyone be so nice on this BB, and then you go to work and deal with back stabbing, mean spirited, picky, b*tchy nurses. Man, where do they come from?
Perhaps a lot has to do with issues others have already brought up here, but one thing I have noticed is that I much prefer working with male nurses rather than other females. In my experience, men tend to just do their work, without b*tching or talking about others.
Makes me wonder if it isn't more to do with females working together rather than stress at work. Of course, it isn't everyone, but just that one in the bunch is enough to ruin my day. Good luck in your decision.

minneRN · Dec 5, 2004

thans wbn!

you are so right....everything will begin with me! thanks for your thoughts and the time you took out to write to me, just wanted you to know.

Just the fact that you are able to recognise unacceptable behavior and consider the patients so rewarding and know the difference you can make is ALL THE MORE REASON to go back. Being in the hospital is a scary and sometimes life threatening predicament. Try to think of it from a patient's point of view:
WHICH NURSE WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE?
The caring one who feels rude behavior is obnoxios and unacceptable, who focuses more on patient care and giving back than gossip and backstabbing, and who is there for the patient not the paycheck...
The nurse who grudgingly comes to work with a bad attitude, pays more attention to office politics than patient care, and lacks a healing positive energy...
I think many people are scared off by the few bad apples that polute the many. It is very hard to ignore but when you stay focused on the patients, prayer, and positive attitude there is no doubt that you can and will singlehandly make a difference in someones life mentally AND/or physically.
Another thought... Be proactive about a good attitude. While you don't sound like the type to be negative, letting it go could be completely hazardous to your mental health. Don't give people who are regularly mean a chance. First thing in the morning greet them with a big smile and a genuine how are they, etc. THen go about your business. It is very hard to continually be mean to someone who goes out of their way to make you feel good. If they can continue to be mean after that, seek help from admin or HR, cause that can border on harassment. I tried the "kill em with niceness" thing on two of my neighbors who were quite mean. Now the wife waves and says hi back, nothing mean, and the husband just ignores us instead of saying mean or harassing things. It is worth a try.

Town & Country · Dec 5, 2004

I think women are generally b*tchier than men, too....JMHO.

CCU NRS · Dec 5, 2004

I will just jump in here wiht my 2 cents

1. I am not saying you are not assertive or self confident but DO NOT take crap someone here has a tagline that say's we will recieve just as much crap as we are willing to take. Meaning that if some people feel they can push you around or see that you are upset/flustered they are likely to do these things for the simple fact that they can.

2. Take it as a joke! Many hard core old time nurses are very dry and very serious although when you get to the crux as it were they are not really trying to be mean or belittling they are simply hard core from living in "our" world for as long as they have and have a different view of the entire picture. It's not big picture VS little picture it's like Picaso VS Monet' skewed world images with lopsided faces VS beautiful colorful landscapes. I don't know if this point came across like I meant for it too?

3. You can only be the best nurse you can be, live up to your expectation not the expectations of others. Nursing is a 24/7 proposition and you can bust your hump for your 12 hours of it and someday you're the windsheild and somedays you're the bug but at then end of the day explain what you did do and what needs to be taken care of and move on. If others complain about the part that didn't get done simply say I did the best I could do!

4. Don't take it personally= don't sweat the small stuff=you can please some of the people some of the time. This is all meant to explain that you determine and define who you are, not those you are around or report to or work with.

Do your job, ask for help if you need offer help if you have a chance to offer help and sing whenever you can. That's my motto!

CCU NRS · Dec 5, 2004

I think women are generally b*tchier than men, too....JMHO.

agreed...but in a nice way LOL :rotfl:

DDRN4me · Dec 5, 2004

I agree that killing them with kindness usually at least stops the bithcin long enough to look at you like youre nuts!!! :lol2: Many nurses are so stressed out they cant even realize what its done to them! I genuinely try to find one nice thing to say and smile, even when I'm fuming inside..makes me feel a little better, too;)

Just the fact that you are able to recognise unacceptable behavior and consider the patients so rewarding and know the difference you can make is ALL THE MORE REASON to go back. Being in the hospital is a scary and sometimes life threatening predicament. Try to think of it from a patient's point of view:
WHICH NURSE WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE?
The caring one who feels rude behavior is obnoxios and unacceptable, who focuses more on patient care and giving back than gossip and backstabbing, and who is there for the patient not the paycheck...
The nurse who grudgingly comes to work with a bad attitude, pays more attention to office politics than patient care, and lacks a healing positive energy...
I think many people are scared off by the few bad apples that polute the many. It is very hard to ignore but when you stay focused on the patients, prayer, and positive attitude there is no doubt that you can and will singlehandly make a difference in someones life mentally AND/or physically.
Another thought... Be proactive about a good attitude. While you don't sound like the type to be negative, letting it go could be completely hazardous to your mental health. Don't give people who are regularly mean a chance. First thing in the morning greet them with a big smile and a genuine how are they, etc. THen go about your business. It is very hard to continually be mean to someone who goes out of their way to make you feel good. If they can continue to be mean after that, seek help from admin or HR, cause that can border on harassment. I tried the "kill em with niceness" thing on two of my neighbors who were quite mean. Now the wife waves and says hi back, nothing mean, and the husband just ignores us instead of saying mean or harassing things. It is worth a try.

begalli · Dec 5, 2004

There's a lot of wisdom in this thread.

Thank you.

I think it's not so much a male vs female thing. Maybe it has more to do with one's level of maturity, no matter what their age or gender.

snowfreeze, BSN, RN · Dec 5, 2004

It is stressful taking care of very sick patients. We need to keep an open attitude. Most perceived criticism is really just pointing out the other nurses experience on how it "can" be done. Working in the medical field is a ongoing learning experience. Unfortunately we don't all have a degree in communication nor do we really know what frame of mind our co-workers are in when we offer suggestions, information, observations etc. Take the information for what it is, 'input about a mutual subject from another perspective' and that persective is from someone with the same training as you but different experiences.

I try to make my glass half full instead of half empty and my co-workers have often commended me on that.....after ranting or venting etc. Yeh, I remember the hugs, thanks, filled my water pitcher at shift change, restocked my med cart, toileted my problem patient while I was getting a much needed cup of coffee long after the subject they needed to vent about.

We can easily be supportive of each other, start a trend where you work and stick to it. Less ulcers and a happier career will follow.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Dec 5, 2004

Minne, I have often wondered the same thing. How can everyone be so nice on this BB, and then you go to work and deal with back stabbing, mean spirited, picky, b*tchy nurses. Man, where do they come from?
Perhaps a lot has to do with issues others have already brought up here, but one thing I have noticed is that I much prefer working with male nurses rather than other females. In my experience, men tend to just do their work, without b*tching or talking about others.
Makes me wonder if it isn't more to do with females working together rather than stress at work. Of course, it isn't everyone, but just that one in the bunch is enough to ruin my day. Good luck in your decision.

I'm wondering -- I've always heard that there are women who just don't like other women. If you're noticing that all the women around you are "backstabbing *****es," do you think it might be YOUR attitude, not theirs? Just something to think about.

directcare4me · Dec 5, 2004

I just wanted to thank you for your response....what awesome and wonderful thoughts you have. You are right....we as nurses are overworked and too stressed out. But there is more too life than dwelling on this....I will remain positive, self-confident, and let go and LET GOD!
I will change the things that I can change and pray for acceptance about the things that I cannot. You have really put things into perspective for me and I just wanted to say thank you, for taking the time out to speak to a very frustrated heart, but who now has resolve to move ahead with Jesus right behind me, paving the way!:) :) :)

You're welcome Minne and thank you for your kind words. You sound like a great nurse and a terrific person, someone I would be happy to work with, and to have as a nurse for myself or a loved one. Just remember that there will always be some people who delight in getting under someone else's skin. You can mostly ignore these people, just sort of shake your head and go on. As another poster said, communication is a biggie, and learning how to communicate in an assertive, but not aggressive or defensive manner is paramount. A little humor helps a lot too. I wish you the best.

directcare4me · Dec 5, 2004

I'm wondering -- I've always heard that there are women who just don't like other women. If you're noticing that all the women around you are "backstabbing *****es," do you think it might be YOUR attitude, not theirs? Just something to think about.

I've always heard this too, and many years ago I heard a professor in a class I was taking say that this is a form of SELF-loathing; women who "don't like" other women actually don't like themselves. I've always remembered that, and it does seem to fit sometimes.

CCU NRS · Dec 5, 2004

I've always heard this too, and many years ago I heard a professor in a class I was taking say that this is a form of SELF-loathing; women who "don't like" other women actually don't like themselves. I've always remembered that, and it does seem to fit sometimes.

It is sort of funny how some women really really just can not tolerate other females but seem very comfortable around as many men as are willing to linger.