What She Couldn't Tell You - page 6
by CountryMomma 14,536 Views | 82 Comments
We've all met this type of mom before. It's 2330, her 8 year old daughter is struggling to breathe, and you know for a fact you saw them two weeks ago for the same thing. You also know for a fact you gave her a prescription for... Read More
- 3Dec 26, '13 by boogalinaQuote from steven007The OP posted a bit further back in this thread that the little girl in the story was her, and the woman was her mother.If you were a nurse in Canada than you just wrote a complete post about your professional negligence. At any time domestic violence is suspected and a child is involved, it is the MDs, RNs, NPs, RPNs and/or LPNs DUTY to report this to child services and authorities. Failure to do so can result in a loss of license. And I may be missing something because everyone seems to see things for your perspective but all I am seeing from this post is a nurse judging a woman she knows absolutely nothing about. You do not know her circumstances or the context that this is happening in. Maybe she has no one else? Maybe she has no money? Maybe she has to make the decision to stay and risk being beaten or live on the street with her child, unable to feed him/her? I am slightly disturbed by the amount of judgement and hatred I feel when reading this towards a woman that already experiences so much hate. How about instead of hating and judging, you do what a nurse is suppose to and empathize and try to view things from her point of view.
However, the point is well taken that we must all be careful about making judgments, and we must report known or suspected abuse as required in the jurisdiction in which we practice.
- 2Dec 26, '13 by LadyFree28Quote from nurse.lisa1968^THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!From someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I pray to God that you are never in one, and have no one to give you emotional support. I used to say the same thing until I was there myself. Now, I see how easily a manipulative person can work anyone, strong or weak. Remember, it could happen to you. No matter what you say. I had all the family and financial support in the world. An abuser learns how to shut you off from that. And as far as the felony part, you can't line up services until you are gone from the situation, and not everyone has the finances to leave and wait for the services to kick in. And there aren't shelters in every area. And trust me, not all shelters are safe, if they do exist......It's easy to say "just leave", but 20 years later, I still 'hide' from him.......
I have been very candid in posts about my survival from DV. Some aspects of society have VERY high incidents of DV in addition to poverty.
Instead of showing distain to anyone; best to remain objective, ask questions and provide support; sometimes WE, as nurses, are the ONLY support system to our pt population...no matter what their "behavior" may appear...the elephant in the room may be ABUSE...and trust and BELIEVE, I wouldn't wish what I had endured on anyone...violence, especially domestic violence is one of those "diseases" that is incurable; the side effects are damaging; I have PTSD from the survival; I battle having PTSD as hard as I endured escaping from mental, physical, and sexual abuse, and eventually, gun violence from leaving.
Every day is a battlefield; I worked hard to return to this business. It will be six years January 29th-an anniversary that I cannot and will not forget-It has made me stronger, yet bittersweet.
One mentor of mine told me, situations such as the OP and many of us who KNOW DV and such hardships make better nurses; we share so the collective YOU won't have to endure.
I share my story in my community; I will not stop until people UNDERSTAND and approach not with hostility
I am fortunate that domestic violence was covered heavily in my nursing program; from elder abuse, child abuse and DV; how to screen appropriately and the resources needs; and how to handle debriefing...being the light for people to come out and let one know can be very taxing as well.
Very powerful OP in sharing your story.Last edit by LadyFree28 on Dec 26, '13
- 0Dec 26, '13 by brandy1017My previous reply focused on the need for national healthcare so everyone, especially children have the medicine they need. I didn't know this was a real situation, but I still think there is a difference between being an adult and staying in an abusive relationship vs being a child and literally trapped in a dangerous, abusive situation. There are many people who have been victims of abuse in their lives. But children are in an especially dangerous predicament because they cannot fight back or protect themselves, whereas an adult actually can choose to get out and be safe. I do get angry when I see children trapped in an abusive relationship because their mothers won't leave an abusive man. It is not fair to the children!
But growing up in an abusive environment, one can choose not to let history repeat itself. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who have been abused in the past, but made it a priority to not let it happen again! Women need to be strong for themselves, but especially for their children. As nurses we are blessed to have a job that pays a living wage and allows one to raise a family, we don't literally need a man financially and we are lucky to live in a country where a woman can make it on their own. There are many women throughout the world that don't have the options we have! It is sad that so many women remain chained to an abusive relationship because they don't want to be alone! I would rather be alone and safe than mistreated or in danger!Last edit by brandy1017 on Dec 26, '13
- 2Dec 26, '13 by cardiacfreakQuote from SionainnRNEven though I disagreed with one of your prior posts, I would never, never, never wish or pray or hope that anyone would be placed in that situation just "to see what it was like".You know nothing of my life and my experiences. Aren't you being as horribly judge mental as the nurse in the article you praise so highly?
That was a very mean thing that was posted to you and Canigrad.Last edit by Esme12 on Dec 27, '13 : Reason: edited quote
- 5Dec 26, '13 by Spidey's mom GuideQuote from cardiacfreakEven though I disagreed with one of your prior posts, I would never, never, never wish or pray or hope that anyone would be placed in that situation just "to see what it was like".
That was a very mean thing that was posted to you and Canigrad.
Thanks for posting this.
I happen to agree with SionainnRN and Canigrad - once a child is involved, there is no excuse for staying in an abusive relationship.
The mom (or dad) who hangs around in a place where their kids are abused is MORE culpable than the abuser in my opinion.
I think we should judge the situation but also help.
We are mandated reporters and I've had to report child abuse many times.
I also had a father who abused my mother (but not us) and I saw violence in my home many times before I turned 12 and my mom finally left.
To say that those of us who think women should GET THE HELL OUT of an abusive situation have never ever experienced it . . to say that we should experience it so we'd understand . . is very judgmental.
- 3Dec 27, '13 by SionainnRNQuote from cardiacfreakThank you. I have no problem disagreeing with people or their views. But wishing physical harm on someone is just over the top!Even though I disagreed with one of your prior posts, I would never, never, never wish or pray or hope that anyone would be placed in that situation just "to see what it was like". That was a very mean thing that was posted to you and Canigrad.
- 2Dec 27, '13 by Esme12 Senior ModeratorMODERATOR NOTE:
Several posts have been edited/deleted.
As per the Terms of Service allnurses promotes lively debate....This means you are free to disagree with anyone on any type of subject matter as long as your criticism is constructive and polite. Additionally, please refrain from name-calling. This is divisive, rude, and derails the thread. Our first priority is to the members that have come here because of the flame-free atmosphere we provide. There is a zero-tolerance policy here against personal attacks. We will not tolerate anyone insulting other's opinion nor name calling.
Our call is to be supportive, not divisive.
We can voice our opinions without being rude.
- 3Dec 27, '13 by imintroubleA fearful childhood, developed me into a fearful adult. I'm quiet. Reserved. I observe exits, and usually find a seat in the back by the door. I make myself "small" and try to be as unnoticeable as possible. My whole life.
The one exception is when it involved my children.
I said things, did things, behaved in ways totally out of character to ensure the safety and welfare of my kids. I morphed into tiger mom and became someone I wouldn't become for myself. It's how it's supposed to be.
I became the mother my mother wasn't.
I am in the minority as I have little use for a woman who won't protect her babies. I can reserve judgement and still not like who they are.Last edit by imintrouble on Dec 27, '13
- 3Dec 27, '13 by BlueDevil,DNPI don't care for "blame the victim" mentality. Most unbecoming coming from a nurse IMO.
I read a piece years ago about females (males as well I suppose, as males in abusive relationships are highly under reported but not uncommon) are known to seek opiod pain killers in EDs under false pretenses in advance, in order to have some on hand for the next beating. That "back pain" or "abdominal pain" patient with no obvious pathology may well be full of bull hockey, as you suspect, but may be looking to obtain some medication for an entirely different reason. Possibly something to consider with regard to your frequent flyer seekers.
- 7Dec 27, '13 by CountryMommaI'm sorry it has been so long since I responded.
My mother did get out. It wasn't right away. She had family, but it was dysfunctional and they truly wouldn't or couldn't help. She had no friends left that could help. He had made sure they all faded away. We when eventually made our way out of that hell, it was in a minivan packed full of our stuff, in the middle of the night, to a place two states away. I didn't tell anyone we were leaving. We had to start all over in a new place.
Restraining orders are a joke. They aren't bulletproof. By the time a cop knows a TRO has been violated, it is because they've come to clean up the mess of a woman who had one.
Everyone who holds judgment against the woman for having a child and not immediately rising up in some mythical Mama-Bear like rage and braining the cretin who did this...well, let me tell you. Try falling in love with a sweet talker who treats you right for the first time in your life. He takes in your daughter as his own. And as the months and years go by, he gets a little meaner, a little scarier, he systematically takes your life and narrows it down into a laser-like focus on him. No friends. No money. No car unless he fixes it. All the while, he tells you, sadly almost, that if you weren't such a useless twit, he wouldn't have to treat you like this. That if you would just get your head together, you could almost pass as normal.
Now try doing anything that involves free thought after many years.
But she did. I don't know what triggered the final broken shackle in her head. They say a woman will try and leave, or plan to leave, seven times before she does for good. If she does. Will you be the fourth or fifth nurse that, instead of instilling a little hope and faith in the world's goodness, you reinforce her self-image of being a broken, useless waste of space?
Sure, you say you will hold her in judgment, but still treat the child. You think you will be neutral. But you won't. Your disgust and hate for her weakness will radiate off of you like a fever. Your eyes will be hard, your smile cold, and she will die a little more inside, because he was right and everyone knows how horrible she is. I mean, even a nurse, who is often associated with mothering and is the most trusted healthcare professional out there, hates her.
Someone said you cannot be a victim unless someone makes you one. I say nonsense. If that was the case, there would be no muggings, rapes, or domestic violence. I can understand the urge to simplify DV, to make it a black and white easy issue that will be solved with magical self-esteem. It isn't. It is multi-factorial, spanning socio-economic, global, gender boundaries. Instead of blaming the victim (because, really, isn't that what the saying is? Is it really different than saying "If women would just not dress so sexy, there would be a lot less raping going on!" ?) how about we focus on saying "It is never acceptable to hit, no matter your gender or age," and "I know you feel trapped. Always know that there are people waiting to help you when you are ready."
I do not think more violence is the answer to the cold steel of judgment and apathy in some hearts.
I am always glad to see that there are warm souls and kind hands willing to help. I always thought it was what nurses were called to do. Perhaps I have not been jaded enough yet. I hope I never reach that point.
It is interesting that some here think it is perfectly acceptable to lash into a woman they do not know for actions they do not understand, but get upset when people think less than highly of them. Perhaps glass houses and all that.
I wish everyone peace for the new years.