Night Shift Impacting My Relationship

Nurses Stress 101

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Hi all!

Though I've been reading AllNurses posts since I was a student, this is my first post. It's doubling as a rant and a plea for some advice from my colleagues!

I've been dating my girlfriend for four years now and have had serious thoughts about marrying her (this goes both ways). We rarely ever fight or argue, but when we do it's often about the same things. One of those that comes up the most is how I "never take her anywhere" and more recently how "I'm always too tired to do anything."

We started dating when I had just become a nursing student. On top of all the work/study required at school, I also held a part time nights & weekend job at a large scale catering facility wherein we served anywhere from 150-1,000 guests depending on the occasion. It was exhausting work!

Fast forward a couple years later, we were both excited and happy when I finally got a job offer to work as a full time RN. Now a year into it, I usually feel absolutely miserable. I work the 12 (usually 13+) hour night shift on a neuro-tele unit where we're always understaffed and the usual patient load is 6 + an admission. Over the past year, I've never felt more stressed out in my entire life and I've never hated working anywhere more than I do now. I love what I do as a nurse, but I hate the environment in which I do it.

After work, I'm completely exhausted and drained. If I have work the following night, I'm usually in bed right after I shower, getting ready for the night ahead. On my days off, I'm still exhausted, but excited that I'll get to do the things I enjoy. I stay up until 10-11 playing games or reading or doing other low-energy activities, then I wake up late around 6-7. Obviously, I feel more active at night due to my completely reversed schedule: 7:00 pm is my 7:00 am - 2:00 pm is like 2:00 am to me.

My girlfriend is a college student wrapping up her bachelor's degree in biology and other than that she really has no responsibilities. She hasn't had a steady job since we started dating - working temporarily during the summer as a babysitter, or pet store assistant, or volunteering at a vet office - and the only "friends" she has are guys who want to get in her pants. She doesn't get along well with girls because she's a bit of a tomboy, but that's an entirely different rant/story. Because of this, unless she's going out with me she doesn't get out much, and because of my working hours and sleep schedule there's not much for us to do during my "normal waking hours." Everything closes at 9-10pm, but that's just when my day is getting started!

On top of my sleep-schedule issues, I recently went to get my back checked out due to this often incredible pain I've been having and found out I have a herniated disc as well as a vertebral fracture in my lumbar spine which will require surgical repair. This further adds to my lack of desire to go out to do anything physical.

My girlfriend and I recently got in an argument, wherein she tells me that I'm always sleepy, that I'm so lazy and never feel like doing anything, that we never go anywhere (apparently going to stores/the movies doesn't count?), and that she's always bored and she's sick of it. She said she misses the way I used to be when we first started dating. I told her that I like doing what she wants to do - going for walks in the park, going to the museum, etc. - but she never tells me when she wants to do these things and when I ask if she wants to do anything she'll reply with "I don't know", "what do you wanna do?", or something of that nature. I told her I'm not a mind reader and that she needs to tell me that she wants to do these things when we're together... But then again, it's usually dark out by the time I'm feeling active.

Part of me feels that she has way too much free time on her hands and that she needs a job to preoccupy her time so that she can sympathize with how I feel and my desire to relax when I'm not at work. Part of me feels like these 12+ hour night shifts, the stress of my work environment, and my inverse sleeping schedule is causing me to be overly-lazy or not allowing me to spend any quality time with her, which is unfair to her.

That's the rant. Now I need some advice... What can I do to improve my life? So far, the only thing I can think of is finding a different job with more normal hours - maybe home health care: 8-4:30, 5 days a week.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time!

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Specializes in Intake, Home Care.

Ditch the chick. She sounds like an unsupportive spoiled brat. You need someone who understands and supports you.

If she doesn't respect your feelings about her friends, another bad sign.

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Have you tried switching to day shift or getting a job elsewhere altogether? Not everyone is meant for nights. Sounds like your current employer sucks. Your GF sounds pretty immature.. Maybe she's a daddy's girl who hasn't grown up.

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It was hard on my relationship at first, but I set specific times for sleep. It really helps. The day of my first shift, I wake up our norm time (7-8am) and spend time together in the morning, the I go upstairs and go to bed for a nap from 1-5pm. I get up at 5pm, shower, leave by 6pm. Work 645p-715a. If I have another shift the next day, I come home and eat breakfast with my husband and then go straight to bed. Then up at 5 for the same routine. If I don't have to work, I come home and eat breakfast, go straight to bed, and get up at 1pm then I have the entire day with my kids and hubby. And most likely, since I only slept until 1, I will be tired by 10-11pm and be in bed with everyone else. I enjoy working nights. There are so many benefits. But you have to make it work for your personal life too. Can you put your shifts together (3-4 12 he shifts in a row) that way you can have 5-6 day stretches off? I'd try to do that.

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Specializes in Rehab, pediatrics.
It was hard on my relationship at first, but I set specific times for sleep. It really helps. The day of my first shift, I wake up our norm time (7-8am) and spend time together in the morning, the I go upstairs and go to bed for a nap from 1-5pm. I get up at 5pm, shower, leave by 6pm. Work 645p-715a. If I have another shift the next day, I come home and eat breakfast with my husband and then go straight to bed. Then up at 5 for the same routine. If I don't have to work, I come home and eat breakfast, go straight to bed, and get up at 1pm then I have the entire day with my kids and hubby. And most likely, since I only slept until 1, I will be tired by 10-11pm and be in bed with everyone else. I enjoy working nights. There are so many benefits. But you have to make it work for your personal life too. Can you put your shifts together (3-4 12 he shifts in a row) that way you can have 5-6 day stretches off? I'd try to do that.

This. I follow this exact same schedule. Luckily I work all my days in a row so I can enjoy time off with my bf. He too would get annoyed and say I was always sleeping. He understands more now than he did in the beginning but he will still complain time to time that I am sleeping too much or that I am picking up too many shifts. I listen to a point and then stop worrying about it. I love my job, and I love working nights.

In my opinion if it starts to bother him too much than out than the door is right there...

But since you don't like your job maybe you should look into other positions and go from there.

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Specializes in Family Nurse Practitioner.

It sounds like there are way too many red flags about the relationship more-so than you working night shift, imo. Good luck.

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You are not responsible for her happiness nor is it your responsibility to entertain her. If she is not working - why? Going to school isn't a reason not to have a job...so either you are supporting her or her family is...either way she needs to, as others have said, grow up. You are working nights, in a stressful environment plus your health issues - didn't hear one thing in your post about her supporting you emotionally or otherwise with what you are balancing. If you are wanting to switch jobs for YOU - then yes, do that - but if you are thinking of switching for her - I'd think again - because it sounds like no matter WHAT you suggest, where you work or the hours - there are going to be problems. Her not having friends is also not your responsibility - it's hers. You need to focus on getting healthier physically and emotionally, find a job that is not stressing you out so much. And forget marriage - there are too many problems w/the relationship to go that route now.

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Specializes in nurseline,med surg, PD.

You shouldn't be supporting this girl. She needs to support herself, by getting a full time job. You are acting like an adult, she isn't. If she isn't interested in getting a job, dump her. She is not an equal partner. And, maybe you could look around for something less stressful, for your sake, a job where a lot of lifting isn't required.

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From my perspective... A woman's perspective... If you all are considering marriage and have been together 4 years don't just throw it away. There is still couples counseling. If I were you I would dedicate ONE NIGHT a week to date night. I learned with having kids you must schedule time together, yes, even sexy time! ;-) I saw a meme online that was from a woman's perspective, it said something like, "just once I'd like for a guy to have plans for us, than to just ask what we should do."

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I worked the night shift for a year and decided I couldn't hack it anymore because of the zombie like state I was in on my days off when I tried to spend time with friends and family during the day. Eventually i just gave in to the schedule and allowed myself to become a creature of the night spending hours in Wal-Mart just so I would have something to do while everyone else was sleeping. I think I even developed a jail house palor from lack of sun exposure seriously lol. Some people can do it and some people can't. To me it just wasn't worth all of the time I had to sacrifice away from loved ones. Keep your eyes open and hopefully a day shift position will become available.

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I think some people here are being a little harsh on your girlfriend... There's no reason to dump her, especially since this isn't a brand spanking new relationship! It's been four years! Four years of you guys being used to doing whatever you wanted whenever. It's going to take time for your relationship to adjust to your new schedule.

I am also just about to start working night shift and I am worried about how it will affect my relationship. I think you're just both going to have to compromise. On days that you have off, suck it up and go out and do what she wants even if you're tired. Then just go to bed early. And on days you work, she needs to be supportive and let you sleep.

People these days give up on relationships far too quick and easily. If you want something, you have to work for it. Relationships aren't all butterflies and sunshine. There will definitely be hard times and this is just one of those. If the problem persists and you guys can't find a rhythm with night shift, then start to consider switching to day shift or even an outpatient setting where you would work in the clinic and have more normal hours like 9-5.

Your hospital sounds crappy tho. a 6-7 patient to 1 nurse ratio is just insane! 4 is my limit. After that, quality of care starts to decline. Maybe start looking elsewhere for the next available job....

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I think some people here are being a little harsh on your girlfriend... There's no reason to dump her, especially since this isn't a brand spanking new relationship! It's been four years! Four years of you guys being used to doing whatever you wanted whenever. It's going to take time for your relationship to adjust to your new schedule.

I am also just about to start working night shift and I am worried about how it will affect my relationship. I think you're just both going to have to compromise. On days that you have off, suck it up and go out and do what she wants even if you're tired. Then just go to bed early. And on days you work, she needs to be supportive and let you sleep.

People these days give up on relationships far too quick and easily. If you want something, you have to work for it. Relationships aren't all butterflies and sunshine. There will definitely be hard times and this is just one of those. If the problem persists and you guys can't find a rhythm with night shift, then start to consider switching to day shift or even an outpatient setting where you would work in the clinic and have more normal hours like 9-5.

Your hospital sounds crappy tho. a 6-7 patient to 1 nurse ratio is just insane! 4 is my limit. After that, quality of care starts to decline. Maybe start looking elsewhere for the next available job....

I couldn't agree more!!!

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