Seven years ago, I was in a similar position---working 32 hrs/week on a busy Med/Surg floor and going out of my skull with anxiety. I dreaded every. single. shift. I was anxious, depressed, scared, jumpy, paranoid, and more than a little afraid for my license. Funnily enough, I was also ill for much of the last year I worked there; I got MRSA, C.diff, myocarditis, bronchitis, pneumonia, cholecystitis, and kidney stones. Stressed much?
One day, I broke. I got called into the CNO's office for the umpteenth time and was reamed about some minor infraction, and I just lost it....had a nervous breakdown right there in the office. Suddenly I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I could not work one more day, not one more shift, not one more hour
on that floor. I wrote a quick resignation letter and handed it to the CNO, who told me I could use my last two weeks' earned leave as my notice. She also told me to file for unemployment, as she knew I was under extreme stress and could probably draw benefits due to the unusual circumstances. I did, and had a blessed two months off to find another less demanding job.
Now. You can be smarter than the stress and research other jobs while you reduce your hours in this one, or you can do what I did and have a public meltdown. I think you can see it coming, and that's a big advantage right there. Just don't make the mistake of thinking it's going to get better, because these things never do on their own.
Your anxiety and pain are palpable, my friend. I wish I could help you, because I know all too well what you're feeling and have stood in your NurseMates. But I think each of us goes through this 'dark night of the soul' in our careers, and if we're smart and if we're lucky, we come out on the other side much wiser and stronger than when we first entered it.
Best of luck to you.