Family not visiting? Common?

[-Midget-]

My grandma was placed in a nursing home a whie ago, I usually go with my grandpa to see her, and we try to go about once a week. In the last few months, though, between getting set up to start classes, and now classes starting, I hadn't been able to go in quite some time. Anyway...while we were there visiting, this other lady started talking to us, since my grandma was pretty much just sleeping the whole time. She was talking about what a funny lady she was, and he she enjoyed my grandma. :)

Then she said something that really saddened me...she said she hadn't seen her childrne in like 20 years, and that they probably didn't even know which facility she was in. Her family doesn't come to visit her. Is that common, that families just dump residents off, and never see them again? She said after the money ran out for her kids...that was it.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

You never know the bad blood between parents and their kids. You might be seeing an older mellower adult parent, but one who alienated their kids permanently through some rift 20 years ago you don't know about. They could have been a raving drunk alcoholic child abuser.

My uncle had some very bad blood that never mended between him and my grandfather.

It's sad, but you never know the whole story just by listening to the old one in the bed.

[jetscreamer101]

I have one woman that cries every afternoon because her family won't come to see her. It is sad, but truth be told, her son comes every afternoon before supper. You can show her where he signs her calender every time he comes, and she's like "then why doesn't he come talk to me when he's here". So I just now tell her to wait for a little while and he'll be there to see her.

[ktwlpn, LPN]

We have all seen nasty family situations (and probably lived through issues in our own families) but it is best not to judge because we don't have all of the facts and even if we did it should not change the type of care we deliver.We all know the story of the tearful little old lady whose hand we held for hours because she was heartbroken over being "put away to die-no one comes to see me" Then we find out that she was mean as a snake all of her life,even physically abusive (think "Sybil") As for dementia-I hope I would be able to suck it up and get in there to visit but I don't know if I could .I can't fault loved ones for staying away-they have done the hardest part-giving their loved one over to others to care for.I have a resident who is late stage Alzheimers and just can't die fast enough to suit her family.The dtr comes in and sits by her mom and bawls her eyes out like she is at a wake..No one knows how much cognitive awareness the LOL has at this point-she does respond to a gentle touch.I think the dtr should stay away. Then you have the LOL and LOM that just forgets-and how sad is that? I encourage the loved ones to keep a calendar at the bedside and write a note each time they visit.Also as someone else said-we are products of our parents. If your child grows up to be a selfish,self -centered adult it's probably your fault.LTC is expensive-the significant other can really be burdened.I've seen loved ones bring in birthday cakes and present the receipt to accounting for re- imbursment.I was shocked-until I remembered how bad things were at our house when I was growing up.My dad died of cancer at home at the age of 50..Mom kept the household running on less then $15,000 a yr (this was the late 70's) If dad had needed to go to a nursing home I don't know what we would have done. I can just imagine the feelings of guilt and grief that accompany having to place a loved one in care-and everyone presents a different persona in response to their feelings.We have to remember that.../

[leslie :-D]

when i worked ltc, there were always the 'few' devoted family members who faithfully visited.

but the majority of the residents were pretty much alone, except for maybe the obligatory birthday or Christmas visit.

it never bothered me 'why' family members didn't visit.

to me, there were sev'l possibilities, w/ineffective coping being in the top 5.

i was happy to know these residents received quality love and care from most of the staff.

and yes, it made the world of difference.

leslie

[emllpn2006]

I recently started work at a ltc after swearing through out school that I would never step foot back into one. There is a lol there that has no visitors and according to some of the other nurses she is the last survivor in her family so there is no one to come to visit. She is one of the most happy lol I have ever met. In her mind her parents stop by daily to visit and her sister likes to go to the bar next door. The bar next door is actully a church.