Yeah, I am a student nurse, I sit on my lazy but eatting bon bons alllll day long!!! - page 2

If I hear my husband use the phrase, "Well when you work 40 hours a week!...." I just stopped asking my husband for any help. I tried to get him to help out around the house since I have started... Read More

  1. by   MB37
    Exactly. Neither my husband nor I particularily care to clean, but I actually care if the house is clean or not. He doesn't seem to see dirt, and I should have known that from his house from when we first started dating. I picked up for both of us for a while, but I started to get really irritated at the lack of help especially when school got harder. So, we hired professionals. Problem solved. Either we had to BOTH sacrifice our fun/TV/sleep time to get housework done, or we both have to spend a little less money so we can pay someone to clean. We chose the second option.
  2. by   Lisa CCU RN
    When will marriage ever be an equal partnership? This is NOT the 50's!

    Women can't be expected to keep house and take care of kids while the hubby works and makes the money. This is 2007.
    Even then it was REALLY stupid of women to just get married and take care of kids. What if your husband dies, is disabled, or just flat out leaves you?
    Even if the wife thinks her husband has life insurance, how would she know if she just lets him handle everything money wise?

    I know not all women and men are like this, but there are too many who are.

    Now seeing how this ain't 1950 and women are not at home caring for kids anymore, men and women alike are working outside the home and their responsiblities are similiar, so BOTH of them should either be cleaning and cooking or getting a maid.

    I'd hate to see the next generation of marriages.
    Let me go, I gotta go show my son how to load the dishwasher and iron his clothes, I think I'll show my daughter how to throw a baseball, LOL.
    Last edit by Lisa CCU RN on Apr 8, '07
  3. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    If he has the energy to make the mess, he has the energy to clean it up. You're not his maid.
  4. by   Lovely_RN
    My husband doesn't see mess and I no longer try to make him see it. I would rather focus on studying than run after him complaining all the time about his lack of cleaning skills so I don't. The house looks like "who done it and ran" but it's still hygenic and that is what really matters. My standard of clean is totally different from his so if I want things to my standard then I will have to do it myself and I would rather spend what time I have doing something other than scrubbing toliets.

    Now, luckily for him he has better sense than to complain about how the house looks. If he complained I would ream him out and let him know that his two hands can hold a mop just like mine can. On those occassions when he mentions that he has no clean socks, I will casually say: Yes, I noticed that guess you haven't done the laundry in a while? Then I will turn back to whatever it was that I was doing previously.

    A lot of women hear a man say something like that and think it's an accusation directed toward them. In some cases it is and sometimes the man is just stating the obvious...there are no clean socks. In most cases he never said that you have to wash them. We just take it upon ourselves to do it out of a belief that it is our job to maintain house and home, nevermind what else we have going on outside of our homes. If he actually says why haven't you washed my socks? Then that is a completely different can of worms and he needs to be put in check.

    I have let that belief go and I also don't nag him about what he needs to do around the house. I might make suggestions but if he doesn't do it then I leave it alone. The only thing I am a stickler about is that if the house isn't clean we aren't having any company. He is a lot more social then I am so when he wants to have friends over it's on him to get this place into shape.
    Last edit by Lovely_RN on Apr 8, '07
  5. by   carolinapooh
    Quote from Daytonite
    Why would you clean up your husband's mess? Let him pick up his own dirty clothes. If he wants to eat off clean dishes, then he can just get busy and start washing them. That would be my thinking on this. Please notice, I'm divorced and I don't particularly like to do housework. However, this was not a problem with my husband. He was really good about cleaning up after himself. But, if he wasn't, I would have had no problem letting him wallow in his own grunge, especially since I have one cat that likes to squat and pee on any clothes or towels left lying on the floor. I'm sure if this cat was living in your house it would either be dead at the hands of an angry person or the clothes would be picked up and put where they belonged after the first incident. :roll
    Beautifully said. My own DH works overseas and has been gone since January. The other day I was sweeping the bedroom (we have hardwoods and I must confess, I'm running/caring for an entire house by myself and going to nursing school full time at the same time so sweeping isn't always a priority) and I noticed that - get this - he left a pair of socks under his nightstand. Dirty socks. Since JANUARY.

    I am NOT picking them up.

    I realize that the fact that he works overseas made it possible for me to quit my own job and go back to school. I am grateful for what he's giving up for me, working a lucrative job that he despises, so we can continue life as we knew it. I'm lucky. I know that.

    That does NOT, however, excuse teenaged slovenliness, and I'm not putting up with it. I'm not his mother. I stopped picking up after him ages ago. I keep this house neat and presentable, and reasonably clean by myself. There are no science projects in the fridge or in the bathroom; there are dust bunnies in the hallway but the sheets are clean and the dishes are washed. I go to school. I get good grades. I get him his money's worth in education, so to speak, and I've borrowed what I can to pay the rest. The LEAST he can do is pick up his crap. No one picks up mine. I don't really ask for anything else from him, just that he keep his junk put away.

    Call me passive aggressive - I don't mind. But those socks will sit until he comes back to pick them up.
  6. by   carolinapooh
    Quote from wdwpixie
    In my experience, this only works as a temporary fix...after 30 years, mine hasn't changed hardly a bit...his priorities are totally different than mine are, have been, and probably always will be...hence, upon my graduation, he may be looking for a new 'maid/cook'....

    I wish you a lot of luck....

    When we were living in Saudi Arabia, I couldn't work. Keeping the house clean was what I did. I didn't mind doing his laundry, putting his clothes away when they came out of the dryer - heck, I did it just as much to have something to do as to do something for him. When I moved over there, I told him that I would take care of the house, and cook (I love to cook), with no questions asked, as long as he didn't start treating me like a 1950s housewife.

    Well, one week, I asked him several times to put away some books in the living room, because I didn't know what he wanted done with them. I asked him to put his underwear and socks away that I had neatly folded and put out for him to put up (I drew the line at underwear and socks). I asked him to take the five pairs of shoes he had in the living room upstairs.

    I asked him four times in five days. I asked him very nicely every time.

    On day six, he came home to a HUGE, and I mean huge - it was about four feet tall - pile of his stuff in the corner of the hallway. I dumped clean and dirty clothes, shoes, books, magazines, everything and anything of his lying out of place in the hallway. I flipped out and told him that I was NOT a doormat and I was NOT his mother, that the least I expected was for him to pick up after himself, and that my waiting on him hand and foot was not part of the deal. I did his laundry because I loved him and because I wanted to do something nice for him for all he was doing for me, and to not respect my efforts enough to put the stuff away after a week (I was on the next week's laundry and last week's was now piled in the hallway) was tantamount to slapping me in the face. I've been slapped in the face (not by him) thank you very much, and believe me, it FELT the exact same way.

    He was LIVID, and I just ignored him. I told him I'd never seen him so disrespectful to me, after I had asked him to at least pick up after himself several times in a week.

    I can guarantee you one thing - he didn't do it again.

    He tries it here sometimes, and I've told him - I'll do a room dump again. We have another perfect hallway for it, and I mean it - I'll do it in a minute. It's a promise, not a threat. He said I was treating him like a child. I told him when you act like a twelve-year-old, you'll get treated like a twelve-year-old. Then I always ask him when was the last time he had to ask me to pick up MY crap four times in a week.

    Since he's never had to ask me EVER, he's pretty much left without a leg to stand on. My one vice is leaving my laundry hanging up in the laundry room, and he says he could care less about that; that's why he put the racks in there - I put very few things in the dryer and I hang stuff on racks. I am bad about putting it up. If it was a big deal for him, I'd put it up, and if he asked me to, I would do it with no questions asked. The thing is, he doesn't, and at least it's not laundry piled all over the bedroom, or six pairs of shoes in the living room.

    And don't get me wrong, he'll scrub a toilet in a heartbeat. He just had a mother that picked up behind him like he did no wrong, and I am NOT my mother-in-law. By far.
  7. by   cherokeesummer
    I am sorry to hear that! I do have a solution but you might not like it LOL...

    don't do anything! or at minimum do the very least you need to do!

    I don't wash Hubby's clothes, he prefers to wash his own. I make dinner if he does dishes. If he doesn't do dishes, we don't have dinner - I feed myself and my son whatever but I don't make a full meal. I do cleanup - i.e. dusting when needed, vacuuming and picking up toys. I wash my clothes and my 17 month old sons clothes. But thats it! As long as we have livable conditions that are clean and sanitary I leave the rest alone.

    I do have to bug him sometimes to do things with our son so I can study but he does it for me sometimes without me bugging him.

    Wishing you luck! I am sorry that you guys had to fight over the going back to school issue - one should NEVER have to fight a loved one to get the right to further their education. You should be able to do it (provided you can pay for it or get scholarships etc.) you should definately be able to go back to school and better yourself.

    It will be worth it though! I'm almost done and I will then be going into grad school probably LOL so its a loooooooooong road but worth it I'm sure!
  8. by   Moondance
    Does your husband have a love affair with his car?

    If you are lucky and he keeps his car immaculate, leave messes behind there for him to pick up. Fast food packaging, junk mail, a fast food cup with some of the drink left in it (if he leaves it long enough, the bottom falls out).

    It sounds mean, but when all the talking does no good, sometimes it's a good idea to give them a little taste of their own bad habits.
  9. by   kate1969
    in my house, it's whenever we get around to doing stuff that we BOTH do it..we both work, make about the same amount half and half...
    b/f - yard work
    me - house work
    b/f - pays bills on time every time ( neither one of us can stand late pays)
    me - grocery shopping
    both - we maintain our own vehicles...take them to the shop...
    b/f - takes care of his kid
    me - take care of my kid...
    house work gets done pretty much together as his second job is e-bay he has lots of stuff to maintain and keep up with...so it's kind of a mutual thing, if & when he sees me cleaning, he starts cleaning his stuff...
    our kids do their own laundry and have since they were 7 years old...I don't have time for all that and if we want to do something on the weekends, then we do it, but I'M NOT SPENDING MY WEEKENDS CLEANING UP AFTER 4 PEOPLE...and they all know it...
    we traded off things early on, I told him all the things I hate to do and he told me all the things he hates to do...so we compromised...and it works..
    if I'm studying for my RRT exam, he's working upstairs or watching TV...
    my schooling was an investment in OUR future, so he did everything for me while I studied...he worked, payed bills, did laundry, dishes ...all of it...he did it all...and now, it payed off, we are still investing in our futures and we share everything....
    we both work 2 jobs, we do fun things seperately and as a family...
    we've been together for 5 years and I think we have had low tone words about 3 times in that 5 years...
    I heard a Bosnian woman talking the other day and she said she told her husband that if she was going to share "his" work by working outside of the home to make ends meet then he was going to share "her" work inside the home of doing housework....
    she said she told him if he didn't like it, he could leave...he stayed and he does the dishes and laundry....
    I say, anyone with common sense can see what needs to be done...but it's the really smart ones that DO the things that need to be done...without pointing out that they did it and without holding it against another....
  10. by   lisabeth
    Personally, I would wash my clothes, the kids clothes and let him worry about his. I would cook for myself and the kids, and let him worry about eating. He is a big boy, and if he isnt going to help you, why should you help him?????
    Good luck to you.
  11. by   MS. ICANDOIT
    MOLLY MAID - DH hates the $81 every other week, but loves the clean house....... And like NikNik said if he doesn't like it he can bounce! What's he gonna do, make you clean up? NOT
  12. by   Galore
    Yeah, my boyfriend (more of a partner though, we lived together for several years) just didn't get that. I have tried explaining many times that while I'm not earning a paycheck, I still have to show up at classes and clinicals just like work, and THEN I have to come home and study. He kept insisting it was "different" somehow. One of the many reasons he is an now an exboyfriend

    In your case, it sounds like you're not getting through to him and he won't change his view. So I would lower your cleaning standards, or suggest he use some of that money he is earning to pay for a cleaning service.
  13. by   roxxy3773
    What really annoys me is...why is it automatically assumed it is the female whose job it is to accomplish all this. I used to buy in to the...well he's making more money than I am and spending more time at work than I am thing. And then he lost his job and I took on extra hours. Guess what!!!! He sat around all day, eating bonbons and watching TV. No, not really. But he didn't do a scrap of housework, not even to clean off the plates he'd dirty while I was gone. No laundry. No dishes. Nothing. So...it wasn't really about money, or time. It was about gender. Sigh. Sorry. I'm taking a required gender class this quarter and its starting to rub off on me.
    :yeahthat:

    That burns me up!

    Luckily for me my husband is EXTREMELY helpful, well when he is around at least (he's military so he's deployed a lot and for long periods). We both work full time jobs and he doesn't expect me to have another full time job of being the maid. Thank goodness, because that would NEVER happen. I would rather work than be primarily responsible for those duties, nevermind having to do both all by myself (I consider school a full time job)...and then to be expected to pick up after his lazy a**!! Sorry, this is a subject that I get a little passionate about I guess! :spin:
    I would be so angry if my husband got on my case and claimed his 40 hours of week were so tough...
    I think the above suggestions of finding ways to cut corners (paper plates, etc) are good constructive ideas. Just remember that you are working your butt off to make things better for your family and that going to nursing school is extremely demanding (so I hear anyway, I won't know until the fall)
    I hope things get better for you, and I completely understand why you are frustrated!!

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