Providing nursing care to a family member

[wonderbee]

I start Nursing I in January, with this semester wrapping up with a final tomorrow. My mom is suffering with dimentia and this weekend was admitted to the hospital in A-fib with CHF. She accused her husband of abuse and there is risk because taking care of her has been so stressful. She is totally dependent for assistance with all ADL's. The family is looking to me to assume a major role in management of mom's care now since I am entering the profession and also oversee the nursing care provided while she's inpatient. In south Florida the patient census is busting at the seams and the nurses know I'm a nursing student. I've been feeding her, transfering her to chair, helping with diapering, been left with the responsibility of getting her to take her po meds, basic hygiene and trying to calm her down using therapeutic communication. I've arranged for case management and placement to a rehabilitation facility.

This is so stressful and I was hoping for a bit of R&R before getting into my first semester but taking care of mom now seems to be my responsibility. A lot of me in the role of daughter has turned off and me as nurse has turned on. Everyone else in the family has turned to emotional jelly. The opposite thing happened to me. I got very objective... almost like this was another patient and not my mom, seeing things from all angles. I started preparing my own nursing diagnoses and care plan. This has been a baptism by fire. I feel like if I can handle this, I can handle anything first semester has to throw at me.

I'm not sure I'm reacting in a healthy way to my mother's deteriorating condition but I don't want to stop to figure that out. I'm afraid that if I do, I'll lose the ability to give mom and the family what is needed.

[Altra, BSN, RN]

Originally posted by PJMommy

What I'm trying to say is that you can give your mom something the rest of your family cannot. That is such a gift! You just need to do as nurses always must - take care of yourself too.

Amen to that.

RNKittyKat, I've been in a similar situation. I started working on prereqs for nursing school in fall 2002. My grandfather's health began failing in February 2003, beginning with a fall and hip replacement. Since then he developed Stage 4 decubitii on both heels, went through 2 vascular surgeries to improve circulation in both lower extremities, and skin grafts and the amputation of 2 toes. He has now been admitted to an LTC facility. During the "intermission" between hospitalizations, however, I had to become extensively involved in his home care including dressing changes, ROM exercises, bathing, and ambulating him on days when the physical therapist wasn't scheduled. My entire family calls me regularly for information on his condition and expected outcome. I have also had to assume responsibility for my grandmother as she deals with this - I'm basically running 2 households - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc.

It's so important to remember that, as PJMommy said, you can offer knowledgeable input into your mom's care. Here's a "word of the day" -- dispassionate. Your knowledge can help you to be dispassionate (this does NOT mean uncaring, cold, or unloving) about the treatment your mom requires.

I feel for you, it's a VERY difficult and stressful road.

Wishing you peace,

Leigh

[wonderbee, BSN, RN]

Dispassionate... a verb. If you mean distance myself in order to keep my composure, objectivity and sanity, I'm trying. Sometimes not so successfully. Today I didn't do a very good job. Mom was oriented x 0. For the first time, she didn't recognize me or any family member. She looked at me puzzled and even perhaps a bit annoyed at the stranger who sat at her side in between partial seizures. She told me angrily not to call her mom. That's when I lost it.

I want this to be over. Each day is like a new death. Sometimes she temporarily regains a function but then it's gone. I just don't know what I'll find when I walk in that hospital room.

[nurse2be in ny]

{{{{Kitty}}}}} I'm so sorry. I wish there was more I could say.

[Carolanne]

I can appreciate what you are going through. My Dad suffered for months with cancer and it's such an emotional up and down roller coaster. I was a lot like you, I wanted to take it all on, his care, two kids, a job, a husband, a house. This all equals major burn out and fast. Even though you are a nursing student and perhaps have more medical knowledge than other members of your family and support network, this doesn't excuse others from their share and leaving the emotional burden on you. It's important for your own health, physically and emotionally, to take advantage of all possible outside sources to help with your Mom in her care. Visiting nurses, home health aides, outside agencies, sitters, etc. I wish you and your Mom peace and comfort.

[Altra, BSN, RN]

{{{{RNKittyKat}}}}

You and your family are in my prayers.

Leigh

[jaynelpn]

I understand what you are going through, I went through that myself til I lost my mother just a 2 1/2 months ago. It was a very stressful but rewarding time. When I was taking care of my mother I remember something she told during that time, she said "you know Jayne, you never get mad or upset with me, when you have to repeat to me what I have forgotten, you never act like it is a job to clean me up when I mess, even if I have just came out of the bathroom"

I miss my mother more then anything, but I do remember the special times we had and the rewards I got for seeing her smile, Knowing that I did what I wanted and needed to do.

Just remember to take care of yourself also, and dont be afraid to ask for help.

[wonderbee, BSN, RN]

Thank you Jayne and Carolanne and all who have opened your hearts to share about your losses with me. It's because of the support I get here and outside the family that I can deal with not only my mom, but the entire family's attitudes about ethics and coping mechanisms.

Mom's up and down course can go on for a long time. She will be going home from the hospital. I'm realizing that if I don't set my own limits here and now, I can just forget nursing school in January. So every time my sister volunteers my services, I set her straight. My dad will be primary care giver. It's what he wants to do. I'm volunteering my services on Saturday and Sunday for a couple hours each day. That's the best I can do. I may be able to give more but if I am, it will be unexpected.

It's better that everyone understand now that at 49, this is my last chance and I'm not giving it up.

[angelbear]

I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through. Everyone deals with these things in different ways. When I was in nursing school my son went into resp arrest and I absolutely froze. For awhile I was afraid that meant Iwould be a horrible nurse. Once I finished school I did fine I have not yet frozen on the job. mother who is fairly young has had several strokes and does not talk much any more. She used to be a very bold and outspoken person I am having a VERY difficult time dealing with her on a personal level however in nurse role I do just fine. Point being we all deal with different situations in different ways it really is no reflection on us professionally.