Nursing school changing husband's behavior?

  1. Just curious how many wives have to deal with a husband who feels like they have to give opinions on your ability of being a nurse. Any husbands feeling like they will lose "control?"

    I've got one who "just wants to help me" but comes across as a total vote of no confidence. I've been informed that if I don't put away the blender in the same place, that I will have difficulties being employed as a nurse, and that I'll probably get into trouble for putting things back incorrectly.:smackingf I can't believe my spouse can predict the future and tell me what kind of nurse I'll be. This is the one who also told me I'd probably drop out of school.

    Can you believe that!?!? Anyone else get treated like a "kid" or is this just a common thing in marriages regardless of gender? Has nursing school really changed the dynamics of your relationship with your husband?

    Don't want to step on the toes of all you decent guys out there. I'm feeling that being a stay at home mom for the last ten years has made him think I might be disabled and clueless.

    K
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  2. 16 Comments

  3. by   Bonny619
    I'd have a serious problem with that. Just show him he's wrong. I also wouldn't say this is common, my dh is the opposite.

    Hang in there.
  4. by   Tweety
    That's too bad because family support is so important.

    Have a heart-to-heart talk (or a "come-to-Jesus type of talk. LOL) and tell him you need his support and would appreciate that he not make you feel belittled.

    Nursing school and wives entering a field that can potentially make them independent thinkers, and financially independent from their husbands can make some guys insecure.

    Even in the best of couples nursing school presents a change in paradigm and some challenges.

    Communicate.
  5. by   rn/writer
    Sniping can be a sign of insecurity. Some men worry that if their wives experience the independence of going to school, getting a desirable degree, and joining the working world, they will no longer need them as much, or maybe even at all.

    My otherwise-wonderful husband went through a spell of that. Neither of us realized how scared he was that I would "outgrow" him or just discover that I could make it on my own and decide to leave. I hadn't ever given him reason to think this way, but change can be a scary thing.

    What we did--and what I suggest you do--was sit down and talk over everything we could think of connected with my schooling and the various ways it would affect our marriage and family. We did this a number of times and kept at it until we had a unified goal and vision of what we were striving for.

    Knowing his fears, I made certain to communicate in great detail. I didn't let study time or hanging out with my school friends crowd out couple time. And I went to great lengths to reassure him that my progress was for US and that I couldn't imagine a future without him.

    He responded by talking more openly when his fears cropped up and even asking for reminders that I wasn't getting my degree so I could ditch him. He was able to recall childhood losses that he'd never had the resources to deal with and actually put a great many of them to rest. Initially, he forced himself to do supportive things, but when he saw how much I appreciated his efforts, he began to do them out of genuine caring.

    The result was that we survived my schooling and have both benefitted from my nursing career. Our marriage is stronger than ever. And we trust each other to care about what is important to each of us individually.

    Talk to each other. Don't just yank on the tug-of-war rope. All that does is strengthen the opposition. Find ways to connect even when you disagree. Respect the fact that, while your schooling is a challenge for both of you, at least your mind is occupied, while he probably has plenty of time to brood. Make sure you find the time to do something together. A two-hour movie and a bowl of popcorn can do wonders for an edgy couple. Seek him out and ask what's going on in his world so you don't lose sight of HIM during this extremely intense time in your life. Show him that he matters to you and ask him to let your dreams matter to him.

    Getting through school as a couple isn't easy, but it can be done with many rewards to show for the struggle.

    I wish you both well.
  6. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Matt's pretty much said "anything i can do to help, just ask, but till then, i won't get in the way". Which works for me (although i did have to tell him that sawing those floorboards is way too loud to study to :stone ) Not saying that won't change, though, you never know.
  7. by   Princess74
    Theres no excuse for him to treat you badly, tell him he better get his act together. If he doesn't then show him the door! He should be your #1 supporter, not the one being a jerk to you.
  8. by   j0hn
    Sorry to hear you're not getting the support you need. I guess that's what anonymous people in the net are for!

    Nursing school has definately changed my behavior AS a husband. All activities not directly related to studying, eating and sleeping have taken a serious back seat since school started. The program I'm in puts first-years through a month of very intense study before we start our first clinical rotation: classes 8am to 4pm daily, then mucho reading to do when we get home. I'd tell you how my wife is reacting to it all, but I'm no longer sure I can recognise her!

    --john
  9. by   WDWpixieRN
    Sounds kind of threatened....good luck with that....hang in there!
  10. by   rninme
    Sorry you are going through this....was there myself when I entered nursing school. Completely unsupported, sniped at, belittled daily. I was selfish...and not thinking of HIM when I quit my second job to attend nursing school. My new career choice just exacerbated already existing problems in our relationship. Attempt to communicate with him....try to find the underlying problem. I wish you the best!!

    DH I have NOW...is the most wonderful, supportive DH ever!! I'm working on a masters....and he is very proud of my accomplishments!!:blushkiss
  11. by   traumaRUs
    My husband has always been very supportive of my nursing career - for me its a second career. However, he does occasionally say stuff that I can be taken the wrong way. For the most part, though he is wonderful.

    I would also suggest a general "airing out" of what's bugging him. For me, my husband is practically not working during the summer (he is a teacher) and for me, that has been a very busy time - just graduated with a CNS, started a new job, demanding schedule etc. I just try to let him know that once orientation is done, it will get much easier.
  12. by   JaxiaKiley
    In most situations, one person in nursing school is very stressful on a family. Try to talk to him and see if anything is bothering him. Family support is so important, so I hope you can talk things out. Best of luck!
  13. by   buddiage
    Thanks to all you "strangers" for your insightful advice and show of support. I truly appreciate it.
  14. by   mkcrturner
    My hubby is planning a cruise with my first earned money- LOLOLOL
    I have been a SAHM (stay at home mom) for 6 years- so money has been really tight for us.

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