Marriage distress - page 4

I am a senior nursing student whose marriage has gone into complete turmoil since I have started school. Any suggestions? I don't really know what's going on. I almost feel my husband is threatend... Read More

  1. by   NJNursing
    I just turned 28, so I'll be 28 when I graduate and file as well. Only difference is he's still here because, well someone's got to support the house. :-(
  2. by   amberc
    Your posts are really freaking me out. I also could have wrote all of that word for word. I am also 28. What is up with that. Did your husband go to college? I ask that, because I just don't think they realize that you are not at school partying and having a wonderful time. I don't think they realize just how much you are sacraficing (sp) when you are at school. Good Luck. You definately have people out there that can say I know exactley how you feel!!!
    Amber
  3. by   sabrn2006
    There has been some wonderful advice given here. I am reading with interest, as my own marriage is in turmoil. In truth, I've been married nearly 14 years and have not had one solid calm year. Lots of storms...LOL. I do think that nursing school is particularly taxing, though, and exacerbates any problems that occur. My life has been incredibly stressful financially and emotionally this past year and a half. Some of it would have been there whether I was in school or not. It's just that being in school made me less able to focus on anything else.

    My husband has also made many interesting accusations along the lines of me looking for a doctor to leave him for or only using him (husband) to get through school. I see this all as manifestations of his insecurity and nothing more. Why waste my energy arguing about it?

    My marriage will survive, or it won't. In my case, my husband is also suffering from panic attacks and a what I see as an underlying depression. He is also a substance abuser. He vacillates between a willingness to seek help and then an "I don't care what happens" attitude.

    I have babysat him for nearly 16 years now (2 years before marrying) and want him to grow up already! I am also tired of making excuses for his behavior. I come from a long line of codependent people. Where does it end? I guess I am somewhat passive-aggressive. Part of me just hopes it will come to a head and he will decide to leave on his own--thus saving me the responsibility and guilt. But, of course, this hasn't happened yet.
  4. by   purplemania
    yes he probably does feel threatened because you are focusing on something other than him and may be asking him to do things he considered "your work", such as cleaning, caring for children, errand running, etc. Sit down and tell him exactly how you feel and get all this out in the open. If he continues to make life difficult he is forcing you to make a choice you don't want to make. I made the wrong choice. I stuck with him and his selfishness got worse instead of better. My biggest regret was that I did not leave sooner. Hope you and your spouse can work it out!!!
  5. by   wonderbee
    Our instructors told us during our psych rotation that after graduation, a lot of divorces get filed or finalized. Maybe these were unhealthy marriages to begin with and the students are now equipped to take care of themselves with their RN in hand.
  6. by   vollmermc
    Wow! What a great response. Thank you for all the advise, since I too think school is going to put a strain on my marriage. It seems like every time I attend school, my husband has these strange accusations towards me. I think I get stressed out and he see's our marriage spinning out of control. I now feel I could handle the nursing program because I am good mentally now. Good luck to all of you that are in a relationship!
  7. by   NJNursing
    No my husband didn't go to college. He went to trade school after high school to become a plumber and he worked for his father for a while, but then decided that wasn't what he wanted to do and then went to become an EMT which is what he does now. And yeah, in the beginning I think he thought that I was just screwing around at school. I think he's now starting to realize there's more to it than that, but he still doesn't make it any easier on me with not giving me ample time to study. It's been driving me crazy. I actually just failed my first test all semester last week and it drove me from a B average to a C and I'm incredibly upset about it.

    Quote from amberc
    Your posts are really freaking me out. I also could have wrote all of that word for word. I am also 28. What is up with that. Did your husband go to college? I ask that, because I just don't think they realize that you are not at school partying and having a wonderful time. I don't think they realize just how much you are sacraficing (sp) when you are at school. Good Luck. You definately have people out there that can say I know exactley how you feel!!!
    Amber
  8. by   Balder_LPN
    Quote from RNKittyKat
    Our instructors told us during our psych rotation that after graduation, a lot of divorces get filed or finalized. Maybe these were unhealthy marriages to begin with and the students are now equipped to take care of themselves with their RN in hand.

    I think you are right that the divorces where already unhealthy mariages, although I dont think "the students are now equipped to take care of themselves with their RN in hand" that may be part of it

    but I think the larger part is that unhealthy marriages are less likely to survive the stresses of school. ie you werent really taking care of the problems before, and school exacerbates the issues and makes them that much harder to deal with.

    Thats what was true for me both times!
  9. by   JenNJFLCA
    I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years (why we're not married yet is a long story). I love him more than anything but it has been a rocky road in nursing school. Our relationship has been put to the test, but now I realize how strong it is. Neither one of us is perfect. He gave me a whole lotta crap about feeling neglected, and I spent a whole lotta time worrying about that. Then I decided that I needed to stop that and just keep moving forward. I make sure I set a time for just the two of us at least once a week. I don't talk about school unless has asks about it, and I devote myself to "us" time. That has helped a lot. It's not the perfect solution, but it has been good for me. This semester I also decided to quit my job of 5 years b/c it was too much with school and I was having a nervous break down almost every day. I'd been working FT the whole time I've been in the program and this was the mother of all semesters. I couldn't take it anymore. At first he gave me a hard time about it, but I think he felt sorry for me and saw what a toll all the stress was taking on me. Since I quit a month ago, I've been so much happier. I am still working PT at the hospital, but it's nothing like it was. Just keep moving forward and try to spend some quality time w/ your hubby. A little love & attention goes a long way. Men need that even more than women do I think. Good luck!
  10. by   NJNursing
    I think it's more of the fact that after graduating with their RN, they are financially stable and able to stand on their own two feet to be able to get out of a bad marriage.

    I, like many others, quit my job before I started nursing clinicals because one nursing class at a time is really taxing on time and trying to work through this (full time no less) would be difficult. And still the bills have to get paid. I'm basically still with my husband because the bills need to be paid and he's the only one working and it's not worth it to sacrifice my schooling right now to kick him to the curb any earlier. I'm waiting to get my degree, start working, pay off mutual debt (as I promised him) and then boot him out on his rear. I've got classmates doing the same thing. One classmate works one day a week (just to stay "in" with the hospital so she can lateral to an RN position - she's currently a unit secretary) and she's planning on getting divorced after graduation and it's not that she's got a rocky relationship is that she's just not in love anymore after 12 years and 3 children together. She says that they're more like roomates and good friends than husband and wife.

    I hope this clarifies.


    Quote from Balder
    I think you are right that the divorces where already unhealthy mariages, although I dont think "the students are now equipped to take care of themselves with their RN in hand" that may be part of it

    but I think the larger part is that unhealthy marriages are less likely to survive the stresses of school. ie you werent really taking care of the problems before, and school exacerbates the issues and makes them that much harder to deal with.

    Thats what was true for me both times!

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