I need to vent...........................

  1. I'm sorry, I don't want to ruin anyone's day but I just need to vent. I am having a really, really bad day that I just can't shake off. I just exercised for about 45 minutes but that really has not helped yet, I then took a nice long bath, but that has not really helped yet, I am listening to soothing music while sipping on a cup of hot lemon herbal tea and I am just waiting. I had a really, really bad panic attack. I am really good about keeping things to myself but after my test this morning I stormed out crying really badly. One of my classmates asked me what was wrong, and I said just leave me the F*** alone. I feel really horrible because I am usually a nice, nice person and I promised I have NEVER cussed anyone out in front of their face. I got a 52% on my GI exam. The last exam before today was cancer and I got a 60%. Now Up until the cancer exam I had a 91% which is an A at my school. The first exam cardiac I got a 88%, second exam endocrine I got a 82%, third exam psych I got a 95%, fourth exam which was over renal I got a 87%, then the fifth exam cardiac I got a 60% and sixth exam I got a 52%. I went home crying and called my clinical instructor and told her I would not be in clinicals today because I am not feeling to good. I would NOT be able to function if I went to clinicals and I would not feel safe around my patients that I would have today.

    I have being feeling depressed lately, and a little on the suicidal side. Thoughts of killing myself had entered my mind recently but I keep thinking of my daughter and she is my motivation for snapping out of those thoughts and coming back into reality. I am tired, lonely, feel really stupid and feel like I know nothing. I called the doctor and made an appointment. I am really scared and I know I need help. I have actually been crying out for help for a VERY long time now and no one has notice but this morning during my bath I started seriously thinking, If I want to get better than I am going to have to take the first step. I am going to have to go and get help before I get worse and then really become weak and vulnerable and end up hurting myself.

    I am trying to remain strong for this semester I have the Hesi coming up on December 1st which will be over everything we done this semester and we have to get at LEAST an 85% and then I my final on December 12th over ALL the systems we have covered this semester as well and if I want to get a B in the class I have to pass the HESI and get at least a 80% on the final.

    I'm sorry this is really long, I just needed to vent, I am trying to calm down now because I know I really need to get on the ball for my upcoming exams.
    •  
  2. 18 Comments

  3. by   Scott_T
    Tonya,
    I'm new here and don't really know you, but I can tell you that extreme stress, depression and suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. I know because I too have suffered through this. Believe me that it's not easy for me as a man to tell others about such things. Men are taught to be strong and not to express emotion. I kept it all bottled up inside me untill it exploded and it about killed me.

    Thankfully, I got help and you can too. Don't hesitate to seek out help for this. I'm glad you realized that you had to take the first step. You are now on the road to recovery. God bless you.

    Scott

    P.S.: You are my hero. I'm contemplating a career change to nursing and am just getting started. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a single mom and a nursing student. Stay strong for Alicia and remember why you chose to become a nurse in the first place. You can do it. Your so close!
  4. by   nursedawn67
    Originally posted by Scott_T
    Tonya,
    I'm new here and don't really know you, but I can tell you that extreme stress, depression and suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. I know because I too have suffered through this. Believe me that it's not easy for me as a man to tell others about such things. Men are taught to be strong and not to express emotion. I kept it all bottled up inside me untill it exploded and it about killed me.

    Thankfully, I got help and you can too. Don't hesitate to seek out help for this. I'm glad you realized that you had to take the first step. You are now on the road to recovery. God bless you.

    Scott

    P.S.: You are my hero. I'm contemplating a career change to nursing and am just getting started. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a single mom and a nursing student. Stay strong for Alicia and remember why you chose to become a nurse in the first place. You can do it. Your so close!

    I agreee with Scott seek help and talk about this with a professional, don't let this destroy you or your life. You deserve everything good life has to give and to be with your child and to enjoy life with her. Take care.
  5. by   maire

    Group hug from all of us. I wish I could think of something clever to say but wanted to say SOMETHING so you know you're not alone out there!:kiss
  6. by   peaceful2100
    I took a nap soon after posting this and woke up feeling better from this morning. A LOT better. I am not one to wish anything on anyone at all but I do feel slightly better knowing that the class average was barely 65% so that means many of my classmates did not do so well either. I made my study plan up for what I have to do between now and Hesi and the finals. I made a strong finish last semester, I can do the same this semester. I am usually a positive upbeat person and usually offer the motivation to everyone else. It is really tough for me around this time of year and I know I need to keep my focus. Not to whine too much or get too personal but my daughter's fifth birthday is coming up and that is another year her father will not be there and she is asking about him more than ever lately and that really hurts me deep down inside when I don't know what to say to her without making him look like the bad guy when he really is. Also in a couple of weeks will mark the one year anniversary since I called off a relationship with a guy because he lied to me about his age and I still trying to shake that off.

    I just feel mainly lonely right now. I know it will get better when I am done with school.

    Once I got done with my nap I took out my book of motivation out. In my book of motivation I have put together all kinds of motivationa/inspirational things that I have found from books and onlines and have wrote my own mission statement about my career goals and what I want to accomplish out of life. Once I read that things felt so much better for me. My mind was really not there this morning at all. I know that I am capable, and I know that I am not stupid. I know that I don't want to hurt myself.

    My mom was home when I came back home this morning and she sensed something wrong me, She asked me what was wrong and I told her everything including the bad thoughts I have had. My mom told me everything will be OK, she will make sure I keep the doctor's appointment to get anti-depressants or some kind of counseling and she said she will be keeping an eye on me.

    Well, have to go now. I have exactly 2 weeks to my next test and it is time to get a move on it with studying to make the passing grade.
  7. by   BadBird
    Tonya,

    Nursing school is very stressful, being a mother is stressful, Please don't think that your situation is hopeless, you have so much to look forward to. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, you realize that your child is a priority, you realized that you needed help and made a doctors appointment. You talked to your mother about how you felt and you communicated with this board; All very good positive decisions. I know that you feel alone sometimes, we all do but you really aren't alone, someone is always here on this BB, you will find tremendous support here. It takes a brave person to ask for help, good for you!! Please let us know how you are feeling, and keep that Dr. appointment. You may want to talk to your clinical instructor and let him/her know your plans, you will be suprised at how supportive they can be, does your school have a mental health counselor? I am not a psych nurse and I don't even pretend to understand how to diagnois and treat anxiety or depression I am just reaching out to you as a friend and let you know that I am here to listen if you need to vent. Hope you feel better soon.
  8. by   emily_mom
    Nursing school is tough, but you're almost done! I think we all freak out at this point in the semester. We definitely need a break. Two days for Thanksgiving is not enough.

    Please go talk to someone. I know how tough it is with kids. You should just take a day and do something for yourself. Take Alicia to your Mom's and just do whatever you like. I think we all neglect ourselves during nursing school. It's not fair to you, and it's definitely not fair to Alicia. You deserve to be happy. Please let us know how you're doing!!

    Kristy
  9. by   Hidi74
    Cry!!!! IT helps so much for me...I know that sounds stupid but is working for me...I have felt the same way lately. It must be this time of year, the depression, the sadness, the lonelyness. OH I so deeply feel your pain. You said you have a daughter...how wonderful. You have been blessed with such a wonderful gift from God that I would give my right arm for.As far as the suicidal thoughts, I would be lying if I said those thoughts never entered my mind. Then I remember my life is what some would love to have. Creepy huh!! Any way .....I will pray for you tonight and I hope for you all the best. Sometimes it just helps to know your not the only one!!!
  10. by   Motivated, SN
    Tonya,

    You are not alone; we are all here for you. Being a single mom

    is TOUGH; being a young, single mom is TOUGHER: being a

    nursing student on top of it, is the TOUGHEST. BUT... I can tell

    by the ways you chose to cope with your depression, you are

    a very strong person. Unfortunately, having to be strong can

    get to you after awhile and you just want to be taken care for

    a change. Are you using those great coping techniques on a

    reqular basis or only when the pressure gets too much? You

    need to be good to yourself, every day. Not just when you

    are overwhelmed. I have a five year old daughter, whose

    father is not very involved in her life either and I know it hurts.

    All the more reason that we need to keep it together; because

    our daughters need us. We can't give to them though if we are

    depleated ourselves. I'm glad you talked to your mom and she

    will make sure that you keep your appointment with the doctor.

    Let us know how you're doing and keep your goals in focus.
  11. by   suzannasue
    Tonya,
    I read your original post before going to work this past Sunday night ...I have kept you close to my heart and on my mind since then and am really thankful that you feel better.
  12. by   MRed94
    All of us are praying for you and holding you close in our thoughts. If you didn't feel that way sometimes, I would worry. Nursing school and motherhood and whatever else you have going on is a HUGE load.

    Some of us have only a bit to go, some have years yet. But, we are ALL in the same boat, and we are ALL here for support. Please take advantage of this board and keep in touch.

    I, too am a single mom, with 3 kids. It is the biggest burden to continue on some days, cause I am tired of being tired, being poor, being the *itch cause we can't go out for supper. But, this too shall end, and you even graduate 4 days before me!

    We will all be better nurses because of what we are going through, and will be stronger people. Nursing school teaches us much responsibility, dedication, and just plain stubborness (I AM GOING TO MAKE IT COME HELL OR HIGH WATER!!!).

    So, hang in there, let us know how you are, and remember that you are not alone in this.

    M
  13. by   GPatty
    Tonya~
    :kiss
    God bless you sweetie...
    Don't you give up! You're a beautiful person who is going to be a beautiful nurse!
    Remember Philippians 4:13?
    I can do ALL things thru CHRIST which strengthens me...

    Sometimes I have to repeat this over and over and over again to get thru.
  14. by   Love-A-Nurse
    i have said a prayer for you and here is a big sincere (((((tonya)))))

close