horrendously long post... read if you dare (and if you have time?) - page 3
Ok, this is pretty personal, but no one here knows who I am so here goes! I need any advice anyone has on juggling a full time family and full time nursing school. I get all A's and B+'s in school, I... Read More
May 17, '09Quote from SuesquatchRNI'm going to annoy a lot of people here but I'd keep dancing one or two days a week. CNA is $10 an hour. You can't support yourself and your son on that.
Kick the loser to the curb and keep on keepin' on, girl. You can do this.
LOL ! not annoying me every one is entiled to their on opinion. Why don't we all start dancing... Probably make more then RN's !!
May 17, '09From your post it sounds to me that your man is terrified of what will happen to him when you gain your financial independence by finishing school. He thinks you are going to dump him as soon as you don't need him anymore, and if I were you, I might do just that. If you try to uproot your entire system in the middle of, it may create a ton of drama for you just when you need to be focusing on school the most.
Have you tried to actually talk to him about how important reaching this goal is for you? Have you communicated your needs to him, ie, the need for quiet time to study, the need for help with housework, kids, etc?
I can kind of understand your position bc that is kind of how my husband is. I do a TON of housework, raise my 2 kids and entertain his 2 when they are here, keep a roof over our heads while he job hops (he's always "trying" btw but if it weren't for my efforts, we'd be homeless!) My husband is ridiculously jealous of time I spend AT school. I have never given him a reason to mistrust me, but he loves to give me a hard time about my school commitments. God forbid if I am involved in a study group. The only thing that isn't making sense to me about your man's behavior is that he is cool with your stripping. Maybe he has some undesirable actions of his own?
In any case, I know my marriage is important to my husband because he has never been so well taken care of by a woman in his life, so I know he values having me around. Using this as leverage, I explain to him (OFTEN) that I *NEED* him to grow up and not be jealous or insecure about my getting through school. In order to get through school, I will need to forego housework. I cannot live in a messy house, so guess what? He needs to pick up his shoes, clothes, dishes, etc. Furthermore, I am creating a list of daily, weekly, and monthly chores, and will find a way to delegate all of this. We have an infant to care for, so it is not in my best interest to go it alone at this point. I do need his help and he is capable of helping.
Now, if this were a dead end street, then I would do it alone, but I also have a wonderful family support system, so I am not going to tell you drop your boyfriend (yet). You need to think about honestly if he is going to purposely try to sabotage you because he wants you to need him so he can be taken care of by you, OR, does he actually love you enough to respect your wants and needs with regards to schooling.
Just be careful and think through your decision.
May 17, '09Like so many other people are saying, you need to get rid of your boyfriend. He doesn't seem to be satisfied with ANYTHING you do. I had the same problem with my husband for a while and I sat him straight, sometimes in this world, girls need to grow up and be the boss in the family. He would get mad because I was ALWAYS doing school work and he was taking care of the kids and I told him, "Guess what I'm doing this for you, All the wonderful things you will want in life, WON'T HAPPEN UNLESS YOU GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK!!!!" You need to make them realize they need to let you do what you need to do, because in the end its for them. So dump him, you can find someone SO MUCH better for you. Someone who will support you and your child with high hopes and dreams that meet the ones you have.
Finally, don't wait to do the RN, first of all you'd make more money as an RN and could fully support your Son without the need of a MAN! Also, its what you need to do for your self, you don't want to always thing that you could have done more, but stopped short because you felt that someone held you back. I deal with my own mother telling me I'm a failure and I can never compare to my sister who was killed. Its hard, I cry in silence and I move on!! You can too. Also, wow if I had the body I'd dance too, 300 to 400$ for 3 hours!! WOW! You have to do what YOU got to do to take care of your family. Plain and Simple, so good luck dear you truly do need it!
May 17, '09Quote from fairycarijust how old is your son? is he at the age where he is curious about sexual activity? do you think it is healthy for him to know that his mother makes her money by baring her body to men? really, think about this...would you be upset a few years from now if he was a regular patron at a topless place?
i disagree strongly.. since when do children have the right to know about their parents activities? i know many nurses who work the 11pm to 7 am shift, and all sorts of in between hours, so just because you work "at night" does not mean that you are stripping.
many single mom's do not tell their children about stripping, and quite frankly, it is none of their business.
children do not have the right to dictate parental activity. as long as a mother is not harming her child, then may may see fit to do as she pleases.
sorry, i don't see that i said anything negative about workiing "at night"...lots of jobs are worked at night; nurse; doc; any healthcare; police; hospitality, etc.
i am concerned about the child knowing his mother takes her clothes off for a living. i would be concerned if she was selling drugs, which pays alot, too. or stealing from the company to make ends meet. stripping may be legal, but is it healthy for a child to know his mom does it? it may put the child in harm's way, and harm them emotionally. parents are supposed to be role-models for their children.
actually, a shelter for women might be the better idea; get out and away from controlling boyfriend and help to continue at school.
May 17, '09i am concerned about the child knowing his mother takes her clothes off for a living.
really, think about it.. how on earth will the child find out? if my mother took her clothes off for a 'living', it would not bother me in the slightest. my mom is an rn, but if she danced it would be no biggie.
May 17, '09when you choose to have children, every little thing that you do in your life, affects your child. Jobs are no exception.
Not to mention that she should also think about how stripping might affect her career prospects down the line. People are judgmental and people talk and her current job may affect her being hired elsewhere down the road.
Just something to think about.Last edit by melmarie23 on May 17, '09
May 17, '09It sounds like you put everyone before yourself, so I am going to tell you to be selfish. Do what it takes to get through school. You and your son will be so much better off once you're an RN, and since you can't be everything to everyone (and you shouldn't have to be) you need to be a student first and a mom second.
I'm not saying that you neglect your son, but look at the next few years and figure out how to make your life work around your school schedule, not the other way around.
As a single mom and a nontraditional student, you should be eligible for a lot of financial aid. I can't imagine how hard it is to be without any family support network, but talk to your school's financial aid office and see what they have available.
May 17, '09Quote from FutureNOVARNI hate to say this, but you ans the OP are very much alike (and that's not a good thing, IMO). I can honestly say this because I have been there myself. My ex husband was very threatened by my education and profession, as well as my salary. We were married while I was going for my BSN (had my ADN already when we met), and started divorce procedings while I was going for my Masters. Fortunately, I was going part time, and still working full time, and never needed him to support me.I know that men can sometimes be hard to please. But if you really sat down and thought about it, MANY men are not satisfied with their partner doing all of the cooking, cleaning, and caring for the children. MANY men, including yours, are selfish and they need a lot of love and attention. And none of that includes cooking, cleaning, or caring for children. So, if you love him and you want to stay with him make more time for him. I am not going to tell you to ditch this guy because I can kind of understand where he is coming from. How would you feel if you were in his shoes, and your woman wasn't making much time for you? It is human nature to feel neglected at times. Guys don't generally care or express appreciation for the things we do, they just want attention.
I love my husband more than anything, but even he has accused me of using him. But that is just because he is insecure and jealous. But now that I know his insecurities I have to make tons of time for him and make sure that he gets all the special attention he needs, because my marriage is very important to me. So as I prepare to start the nursing program this fall, I am brainstorming various ways of making time for him. I think all of us should be doing this.
I am not arguing the fact that a relationship/marriage takes work. It takes lots of work. Yes, you do need to make time, no matter what your situation is (work, school, kids). Marriages and relationships don't magically stay intact because they were meant to be. But willing participants are aware that you just don't make demands on the other partner to make it work. Just because you are in a partnership with someone, doesn't mean you cannot have your own life, with your own goals and dreams.
As a professor, I have one student, whose husbands forbade her from going to school. She is in the process of divorce, and is doing very well. Another one struggled through a semester while engaged, planning a wedding, comes to me the morning of the final hysterical saying "I think the wedding is off". She maded it through the class (barely), almost withrew the following semester, then wiped that son-of-a-#$^&@ from her life, and kicked butt this semester (her final semester). I can't believe the transformation this girl made, I was sooo proud of her.
These are women, not young girls. They are my age (mid 30's). You'd think they should 'know better', but like myself, not matter how mature and educated you are, we can all fall victim to this. Our generation was raised to believe we obey our man, and do everything to please them, forsaking oursleves. It's nauseating, IMO. It's pathetic that a man cannot accept that his woman/wife (whomever) can have a education, career, and essentially support themself.
jay'smom: did you ever wonder why he doesn't mind supporting you? Ever think that this a control thing, a way to keep you? How can you live without him, is probably his thought.
May 17, '09Also, as far as your "job", I'm with the ones who don't think it's a great idea. It is a small world, people are judgmental, and there are still very many narrow-minded old school people in nursing. I can't even imagine bringing home the salary you are bringing home, then switching to a CNA paycheck. It's gotta be tough to weigh the pros and cons of it. I guess if you had to chose between losing the man or stripping, I guess I'd go with the latter :uhoh21:
May 18, '09your boyfriend: he's an emotional abuser. he's trying to control your life. whether he's worried about you having financial independence or not, it's not a healthy relationship. sorry to be the one to point that out, but i had a husband like that. it wasn't long before the emotional abuse turned into physical. this may or may not happen in your case, but the possibility is there.
money is an issue: you must keep the job you have, and pick up a couple of more shows if possible when you can, and start saving money somewhere you can hide it from this man. yes my abusive ex was a drunk and spent time in a strip bar-he wouldn't have remembered you with or without your clothes when he was sober, so i don't think that will be a major issue. i doubt if i'd put it on a resume unless i had to, though.
check with your college concerning housing options, daycare, etc. even many community colleges have deals with local apartment complexes, and daycares. also, there are federal and state programs through your college that are not widely known for single moms(i have no idea what the name of them are). our's has a program that pays for daycare and books, and other things for some.
check the bulletin board at school, you may find someone in a similar situation who has a room or two to rent. trade daycare (evening care) with someone else in your nursing class.
i'm truly worried for you, you need to have a plan in place to get out of this if and when you need to. yes i and many of the previous posters see signs in this man, but you have to make the decision that is right for you. having a plan in place and your options open, will enable you to relieve some of the stress you're feeling, whether you choose to stay or leave.
even after 16 years of marriage, some of it happy, some of it with my current husband in active alcholism (no i didn't learn from the first one) i still have a seperate bank account, with enough to tide me over for a few weeks. a few months before my current husband got sober, i knew his life was falling apart and i would probably be on my own soon, because i couldn't deal with it. so, i made a plan on how i would survive without his income and what i would have to do. luckily, he reached bottom and found his way to sobriety.
i'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
May 18, '09Quote from SuesquatchRNI had the same thought re: the dancing. To make that kind of $$ with a few hours work, and then to have all that free time to continue to study? Sounds good to me. Kinda makes me wish my ancient, cellulite-covered body was in better shape. :chuckle Seriously, if you want to be a CNA to get patient experience, go for it. But if it's to pay the bills, the dancing may be a better bet and a better use of your time.I'm going to annoy a lot of people here but I'd keep dancing one or two days a week. CNA is $10 an hour. You can't support yourself and your son on that.
Kick the loser to the curb and keep on keepin' on, girl. You can do this.
May 18, '09I personally don't see how her dancing would effect her son or her future job prospects. Unless she tells her son that she is going to work as a stripper he would never know. My mom worked third shift for years, she could have been a stripper I guess. The point is the child no matter what his age probably has no clue what his mom does and she should be able to keep it that way. From one single parent to another, I say kudos to you for taking care of your son in the face of adversity. I would keep the job while inand simply omitt it from your resume.
And to those worried about possible employers or patients recognizing you. I'll tell you my friends had girls night out a couple of times. And we went to see guy strippers. Those places are dark, smoke filled and everyone one there is drunk. I'm sure if you run into a future employer or a patient they would not be looking at your face and wouldn't recognize her. I could be sitting right next to one of those strippers right now and unless he dropped his pants I would have no idea who he was lol. (no offense)
Your boyfriend reminds me of my ex. He was very needy and hated the time I spent in school. He certantly wasn't an abuser but he was more like the type who needed a woman to depend on him to make him feel like a man (if that makes sense). That didn't work out and I think you need to really evaluate your relationship and soon. That I agree could have a negative effect on your son if he see him treating you poorly. Good luck to you.