Dealing with "haters"...

[mmcc26]

Hi everyone! I have a bit of a story...

I went to a family BBQ today to celebrate the 4th, and my cousin decided to take the liberty upon herself to tell me that she doesn't think I'm capable of completing nursing school, that it's too hard for me, and that I should consider other options. This happened out of nowhere. My uncle asked how I was doing in school, and she just jumped in with her negativity.

I have my days where I really doubt myself, I think things like "Will I be a good nurse?" "Do I have what it takes?" but at the end of the day, I am sure of what I want to do. For me, nursing is my calling, not just a career I picked out of a hat. I would be lying if I said I was not extremely hurt and offended by what she said today. The most bizarre part of all of this is that we aren't close, and we never speak about my academics or school, in fact, we don't really talk much at all. Her comment was truly out of left field.

The point of my post is, has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle the haters and the naysayers?

[Luv2BAnurse]

.....just maybe that was her way of warning you that nursing school is not easy.....

Not the best choice of words in that case, but just maybe that's what she was trying to do?

[mmcc26]

.....just maybe that was her way of warning you that nursing school is not easy.....

Not the best choice of words in that case, but just maybe that's what she was trying to do?

I hear you, and I hope I don't come across as being overly sensitive to criticism.. But there were digs made in the past, little snide remarks here and there, but this was the first time she outright said she thought it was "too hard" for me. She has never spoken to me about my academics or plans with school or anything pertaining to it at all until yesterday when she came out with that. She has asked my aunt questions. She even went as far as to assume that I didn't know what classes were required. It was insulting all around. I can't say what her intentions were, but her approach was ugly, she chose to put me on the spot and say this to me in front of a room full of people. It was just bizarre.

[faithicu]

Hi, I returned to nursing when I was 49yrs old after being absent for many years. I was a hospital trained nurse and was stunned when entering the hospital system again, to see how much everything had change. It was daunting! However, I was placed on a year rotation of 6 weeks in different locations. My first I was told was general nursing..... Neurology Trauma, and that was a shock! Although I was mentored I soon had to get my act together and pick up and do what was expected of me. Thank God I soon did. Then I was informed by many of the other R.N.s that all hospital trained nurses would soon be fazed out if they didn't have a Uni degree. Moving to another state after my marriage breakdown and now living in close proximity to a wonderful University, I decided to study for a B.N. Then the negatives from friends began. I was told by some I was too old and it would prove too hard for me. Well, I proved them all wrong! As well as working three shifts every two weeks while also being subsidised by the government to attend, I successfully finished three full years of study (Australia) I was not required to do the extra year as a New Graduate in a hospital as I was credited for this. I went on to attain a Post Graduate in Mental Health Nursing, and another in Emergency Medicine. Later I travelled to the US. and passed boards (becoming a B.S.N.) so that I could work there. I much prefer working as a nurse in Australia as we are not expected to do all the bookwork, that the U.S. nurses are expected to do. We have ward secretaries who do the filing and look after Patient insurance etc. I firmly believe you will get the negative people who will put you down all through life. I learned to laugh it off. Just believe in yourself, you know what you are capable of more than anyone else does. BUT, keep on learning and improving on your knowledge. Nursing is a wonderful career. I am now semi-retired and write a health Blog and am now an international author. Nothing is impossible to those who have faith to believe.

[calivianya, BSN, RN]

Just wondering - do you have to interact with her often? I personally wouldn't talk to her anymore. IMO, life is just too short to deal with those kinds of people. I don't care what they say about blood being thicker than water - someone that treats me like that isn't my family, period. My family is made up of people who support me, whether they're related by blood or not. I would personally deal with her by completely ignoring her and cutting her out of my life... until I sent her an invitation to my graduation. If she wanted to apologize for being awful and throw herself at my feet then, I might just decide that she's family again. Otherwise, she is totally not worth the effort.

[dotoriffic]

It is often upsetting when your own family doesn't have your back and cheer you on or wish you success. I am sorry you went through that, but as many have stated use that to push yourself and become a strong, successful nurse! You can do it!!

[nbsublime]

Let your haters be your motivators! Pray for your cousin and hope that she isn't so pessimistic towards others as well. Those hurtful words were obviously her lashing out because of her own insecurities. Maybe she needs some guidance to find her true calling.

[PeacenJoy]

You know what, there are a lot of techs where I work who said that they dropped out of nursing school because the teacher hated them. Always thought this was bull because I had a teacher who did not like me. I actually thought that she's gonna fail me out of nursing school but she had no ammunition. I always got to clinicals on time, I always did what I was supposed to do and I did everything by the book. Before I give any medication I research the medication, I know all the side effects and what it does, I always ask my patients their name and their birthday, and always check your ID band before giving the medication. Because I did this other people in my group started getting in trouble because they never did that. I passed and I went on. It was such a stressful time for me but now this woman has no chapter in my life. I will not let a hater have a chapter in my life. So I told the techs that They should've done everything possible to take away the weapons from that teacher. If you get it right there's no way she can say you got it wrong. You can get out of there and you will forget even her name. If you let haters damn you, you will remember their names every day and that is the worst thing that can happen.

[whattodo4]

Op for whatever reason there will always be people rooting, hoping for you to fail. Exactly why ,idk? But I think it is some sort of personality thing. So if you do fail out of nursing school, they can be smug , the "whole I told you so" . They get satisfaction if you fail, it feeds their ego , it makes them feel good. And yes there is a differnce between being realistic and honest when it comes to the difficulty of nursing school, but to say "you should have picked another major, you will never pass, what where you thinking etc...." That is not realistic, helpful or honest, rather thats just being a dick.

Ignore it and or use her comments as motivation .

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

I wrote about this phenomenon about a year ago. In fact, I have dealt with this from family members. It is called the 'crab mentality,' which is a metaphor for the human response to those of us who strive to succeed.

Pay attention to the behavior of crabs in a barrel. If one single crab is in the barrel, it will eventually reach the top, leverage itself out of the container, and find its way to freedom because nothing is holding it back. The lone crab usually escapes, but none ever get away if multiple crabs are in the barrel. If many other crabs are in the barrel, they will hold back any crab who attempts to escape.

In other words, when someone is striving to get ahead, take a different path, or improve one's situation, sometimes others latch on and attempt to hold the person back. These 'crabs' can be anyone in our lives, including longtime friends, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, and even close family members such as spouses or parents. The mentality can be captured with the phrase, "If I cannot succeed, neither will you."

https://allnurses.com/general-nursing-student/crabs-in-barrel-758617.html

[whattodo4]

hmm interesting, I did not know it had an actual title, I like "crab mentality". Most disturbing is when it comes from one's own family, you know the very people who should be rooting FOR you, encouraging you etc...

[mmcc26]

Just wondering - do you have to interact with her often? I personally wouldn't talk to her anymore. IMO, life is just too short to deal with those kinds of people. I don't care what they say about blood being thicker than water - someone that treats me like that isn't my family, period. My family is made up of people who support me, whether they're related by blood or not. I would personally deal with her by completely ignoring her and cutting her out of my life... until I sent her an invitation to my graduation. If she wanted to apologize for being awful and throw herself at my feet then, I might just decide that she's family again. Otherwise, she is totally not worth the effort.

Unfortunately, I do have to interact with her often! We have family get-togethers pretty often and I don't really speak to her much as it is, which is why this was so bizarre to me. We don't even hold conversations for her to make the assumptions she has. I am always very friendly and courteous, but I'm quiet around her. I purposely don't give much so she doesn't have anything to go on. She's sort of always like the "black cloud" at our get-togethers, which are unfortunately usually at her house. When everyone is laughing and smiling, it never fails, she either fights with her parents, complains incessantly about her husband and mother in law, and makes snide remarks to her mother and my other aunt, and she's flat out cruel to my sister, constantly judging her and putting her down, so I stay away.

The conversation started when another relative who has been enormously supportive, asked how things are going, and she pretty much ran across the room to interject and say what she wanted to say, in front of everyone. Everyone seemed like "hmm, ok that was odd".

I honestly considered never going back there, as when I left I was livid. I wanted to get up and leave after what she said to me, I completely agree with you about not needing someone like that in your life, family or not, that was ugly! But she has four kids ages 3 through 7 that I have a very close relationship with, I adore them and the feeling is mutual. Usually once I get there, they give me huge hugs and want me to go play with them... So I usually don't have to deal with her much, lol.

I'm putting the word out to the family members who are some of my biggest supporters, that next time, we can talk about my schooling in private. She can think what she wants, I don't hold her in very high esteem anyway, but I will not be put in a position where I am forced to have to listen to her bullsh** again.

[mandilee428]

I agree 100%. My older sister is a 2nd yr nursing student and I am starting nursing school this fall. She has told our mother that I have "no idea" what I'm getting into going to nursing school and that she doesn't see how I could possibly make it through because I have 4 kids. In our case, she has always felt the need to compete with me and the fact that I am now also in nursing school is really challenging her ego and sense of superiority over me. It's going to be really difficult for her to convince herself that she is #1 when we're on even playing fields. Personally, I have never understood why she's always been like this and it makes me really angry to know that my own sister, who is the only sibling I have, is hoping that I fail